As many of you embark on your 96 hours of liberty on this fine American holiday, I want you to remember the rich¬†history of America’s separation from the British.

So basically, the British sent a bunch of disgruntled Lance Corporals out to the new world with no Staff NCO or officer supervision. They saw how awesome it was, from the beautiful and vast vistas of the American plains to the hot, dark-skinned local girls and decided that they really didn’t want to go back. This shit was awesome. Why would they?

So on July 4th, 1776, LCPL Thomas Jefferson went into IPAC and picked up his DD-214. All of his buddies from his platoon saw it and thought it was rad as shit, so they all signed it. They stayed in America, got drunk as fuck, stopped drinking tea and switched to coffee because tea is for pussies.

This weekend we celebrate the most glorious EAS date of all time.

America’s.

Afterward, America and the British fought over their VA benefits for like 8 years. Using his GI Bill, LCPL George Washington got his degree (Badassery, BFA) and became the first President of the United States.

Have fun this weekend. Watch stuff blow up. Enjoy a Samuel Adams.

America.