WASHINGTON, DC — On Saturday, April 1st, nearly 400 Staff NCO’s stood in formation (by request of the honored) for a ceremony that lasted nearly 7 hours, culminating in the official title designation of Lance Corporal of the Marine Corps by USMC Commandant General Berger.
“I think we can all agree that this is a long overdue honor for such a remarkable, good looking, and incredibly talented young man,” General Berger said in a statement, “this is the least we could do to honor the much needed levity that Mr. Uriarte has brought to the Corps for over a decade. Let’s be real, we don’t make being a Marine enjoyable.”
The official designation comes with its own rank insignia and special identification card, which will allow the artist and author aboard Marine Corps installations worldwide with full MCX and Dining Facility privileges. LCMC Maximilian Uriarte also received a ceremonial white can of Monster Energy and a stipend of one log of Grizzly Wintergreen chewing tobacco per month.
“This is truly the honor of a lifetime,” said LCMC Maximilian Uriarte as he was leaving the MCX with an armful of tax-free goods, “it’s incredible to know that the work I’ve done with Terminal Lance hasn’t gone unnoticed. I’m going to do all of my grocery shopping at the Commissary now.”
General Berger has released a Marine Corps Order instructing commands across the globe to update their Chain of Command walls with a photo of LCMC Maximilian Uriarte.
The 400 Staff NCO’s from the ceremony are said to be in stable condition and are staying hydrated, per their Corpsman.