WASHINGTON, DC — On Saturday, April 1st, nearly 400 Staff NCO’s stood in formation (by request of the honored) for a ceremony that lasted nearly 7 hours, culminating in the official title designation of Lance Corporal of the Marine Corps by USMC Commandant General Berger.
“I think we can all agree that this is a long overdue honor for such a remarkable, good looking, and incredibly talented young man,” General Berger said in a statement, “this is the least we could do to honor the much needed levity that Mr. Uriarte has brought to the Corps for over a decade. Let’s be real, we don’t make being a Marine enjoyable.”
The official designation comes with its own rank insignia and special identification card, which will allow the artist and author aboard Marine Corps installations worldwide with full MCX and Dining Facility privileges. LCMC Maximilian Uriarte also received a ceremonial white can of Monster Energy and a stipend of one log of Grizzly Wintergreen chewing tobacco per month.
“This is truly the honor of a lifetime,” said LCMC Maximilian Uriarte as he was leaving the MCX with an armful of tax-free goods, “it’s incredible to know that the work I’ve done with Terminal Lance hasn’t gone unnoticed. I’m going to do all of my grocery shopping at the Commissary now.”
General Berger has released a Marine Corps Order instructing commands across the globe to update their Chain of Command walls with a photo of LCMC Maximilian Uriarte.
The 400 Staff NCO’s from the ceremony are said to be in stable condition and are staying hydrated, per their Corpsman.
TO ALL WHO SHALL SEE THESE PRESENTS, GREETING.
KNOW YE, THAT REPOSING SPECIAL TRUST AND CONFIDENCE IN THE FIDELITY AND SKATING ABILITIES OF THIS LANCE CORPORAL OF THE MARINE CORPS, WE HEREBY APPOINT
OFFICIAL LANCE CORPORAL OF THE MARINE CORPS
TO RANK AS SUCH FROM THE FIRST DAY OF APRIL, TWO THOUSAND AND TWENTY THREE
THIS APPOINTEE WILL THEREFORE CAREFULLY AND DILIGENTLY DISCHARGE THE DUTIES OF THE GRADE TO WHICH APPOINTED BY AVOIDING AND NOT PERFORMING ALL MANNER OF THINGS THEREUNTO PERTAINING. AND WE DO STRICTLY CHARGE AND REQUIRE ALL PERSONNEL OF EQUIVELANT OR LESSER GRADE TO RENDER EYE ROLLING TO APPROPRIATE ORDERS. AND THIS APPOINTEE IS TO OBSERVE AND DELEGATE SUCH ORDERS AND DIRECTIONS AS MAY BE GIVEN FROM TIME TO TIME BY SUPERIORS ACTING ACCORDING TO THE RULES AND ARTICLES GOVERNING THE DISCIPLINE OR LACK THEREOF OF THE ARMED FORCES OF THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA.
GIVEN UNDER OUR HAND ON BEYONCE’S INTERNET, THIS FIRST DAY OF APRIL, IN THE YEAR OF OUR LORD MATTIS, TWO THOUSAND AND TWENTY THREE.
SIGNED, ALL READERS OF TERMINAL LANCE.
This may sound corny, and outdated to some. But at almost 65 years of age on this green earth I still get choked up when I read something about the Marine Corps. Thank you for posting this.
PFC Cano graduation from MCRD San Diego 29 November 1978 platoon 1076.
Definitely gonna make a voice recording of that.
TAKE MY UPVOTE!!!!
Preacher. Beautiful words, beautiful words.
Very cool , Congrads Ooorah
2 comments, I hope this is real. Terminal Lance deserves it! Second, as a proud POG SNCO, I hope the award was read by some 3rd grade educated GySgt like so many are. SFMFs.
I wish this wasn’t a joke…….. LCMC Uriarte, you will always be the 1st LCMC in the hearts and minds of past, present and future Marines… SFMF, ‘Rah, YUT, etc……..
It’s good to know about the willingness of today’s Marines to descend into the bowels of depravity that the old Marines disrespected. Semper Fidelis.
The new Marine Corps composite score formula for promotion to corporal is Terminal Lance’s score plus one.
I have never been more proud of my Marine Corps. This type of dedication and commitment to our Corps, will forever set us apart. Not just as a Marine Corps. Other countries also have Marines. British Royal Marines, Japanese Marines of WWII. No, we embrace Everything that makes us a United States Marine. Good, Bad or just different. We stole the Globe from God, begging his pardon. We stole the Anchor from the US Navy. We Are the Eagle and we took that for ourselves. God bless the United States Marine Corps, and our new Terminal Lance Corporal of the Marine Corps. So help us God.
Signed, a Marine Forever
terminal Sgt james r Murphy Jr.
SEMPER FI Mack!
What the heck!
Outstanding! Pfc. Joe Smuckatella will also be getting promoted too.
What day in April was this?
I got out 20 years ago when we were switching from the old cammes to the new ones, anyway I still use my tears as lube to jerk off.🤣
I’m with Jerry Allison hope not joke.
Lcpl Davis John E 59thru63
Awesome…. SEMPODIMUS DEFONDA LICKME…
HEEYAH…. Ain’t nothing like a dadgum lance corporal…. What a great time..
As a former Sgt. of the United States Marine Corps. Mr Gomer, Pyle would be proud of you Marine!? 👀 P.S. Stay Thirsty There You! 🍻
Gunny 31 years ago. Laughing my ass off at the big picture here that only Enlisted Marines can truly grasp. However, should have been presented by the Sergeant Major of the Marine Corps….to keep it REAL.
As a 28 month lance, I say Ooh rah!!!
Semper Gumby on a pair of silver skates!!
We Lance Criminals carried the Corps on our backs, with skill, vigor and indignation! Oorah!