Terminal Lance – Stimulated

March 22, 2021

Marines are famously great with money. Well, they’re not great at keeping it, but they’re great at spending it. All the more reason that the economic stimulus checks of $1400 are better spent with Lance Corporals than anyone else. If the purpose is to put the money back into the economy, Lance Corporals will happily dump $1400 into beer, strippers, and new cars faster than they got it.

This is what happens when most of your income is completely disposable. Of course, there are many Marines with real obligations and money sense, but the vast majority of young E-3’s live in the barracks, eat their meals at the chow hall, and don’t have to pay anything for health care. What else are you going to do with your guaranteed bi-weekly government paycheck?

This is why I’m announcing that I’m going to open a theme park outside of Twentynine Palms specifically for Marines to waste their money on. Beer, guns, strippers, coffee, roller coasters, you name it. Terminal Lance Land coming soon (not really).

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Terminal Lance “Happy Thanksgiving 2020”

November 25, 2020

It’s a weird time for everyone. To be honest, I thought this whole COVID pandemic was going to be over and done for within a few months. Here we are, 9 months later, unable to celebrate Thanksgiving with our loved ones and forced to eat chow hall for our biggest national food holiday.

For you Marines stuck in the barracks this year, I bless upon thee that you acquire a coveted PlayStation 5 and can spend your time playing Demon’s Souls instead of pretending to want to hang out with your ugly cousin.

Blessings upon thee.

Happy Thanksgiving, Marines… Or at least as much of a Thanksgiving as you can get.



Terminal Lance “He’s a Marine”

June 26, 2020

He’s a Marine

First to fight, he’s loyal

Honor, courage, commitment

Corps Values, Semper Fi


He’s a Marine

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Terminal Lance #498 “Senior Lance Corporal”

November 3, 2017

One of the most coveted ranks of the Marine Corps is that of the “Senior Lance Corporal.”

This is when a Marine holds seniority in a platoon, but is generally perpetually stuck at the rank of Lance Corporal for at least the foreseeable future. This happens for a variety of reasons, but it’s mostly an infantry phenomenon that happens due to a weird, archaic and stupid cutting score based promotion system designed to benefit POG’s.

This happened to myself and most of my entire infantry company. In fact, we were in such a poor state of affairs at one point that we had basically no NCO’s in our entire company. Everyone but the Platoon Sergeants were Lance Corporals, it seemed. This is a sadly realistic scenario, and where the necessity of the “Senior Lance Corporal” comes in.

Someone has to be in charge.

It’s going to be the guy that’s been in for 3 years with two deployments, rather than the fresh-faced SOI drops with the beady eyes.

In other news, I’ll be in Yuma next week for the MALS-13 Marine Corps Ball and a book signing beforehand. If you’re around come say what’s up! I’ll sign anything you put in front of me.



Terminal Lance #468 “Personal Financial Management II”

April 4, 2017

Man you can save so much money when you don’t have a life.

Marines are terrible with money. We all know the jokes about paying for a new Mustang with 75% interest, but they’re not really jokes at all because these motherfuckers do it every day. It’s always interesting how broke Marines generally are on that “Lance Corporal pay,” (myself included) when you consider the fact that single Marines don’t have to pay their own rent or for their own food if they don’t want to. The paycheck that Marines do get is nearly 100% disposable income, and it is more often than not disposed of at strip clubs and on copious amounts of alcohol from the 7 day store.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m not advocating for anyone to live the boring ass life of an old man or worse, a Staff NCO; but I often regret how much money I wasted while I was aboard MCBH Kaneohe Bay. Let’s be real for a second, the chow hall food isn’t that bad.

Some of the best omelets you’ll ever have, to be honest.



Terminal Lance #463 “Repent”

March 10, 2017

Lance Corporals are my people, but let’s be realistic, they’re a fucking headache.

But that’s why we love them, right? It’s like owning a cat. The cat doesn’t give a shit about you. The cat most likely actively despises you. But still, you feed it, clean up its shit, and give it a warm place to sleep at night because their antics are entertaining. Plus, I mean, someone has to do menial labor around the Corps, and it sure as hell aint gonna be Staff Sergeant.


As the fallout from this whole female Marine nude scandal continues to simmer over the week, I find myself sympathizing with the top having to deal with this shit storm. At a press conference earlier today, General Neller, a 63 year old man, had to field questions from reporters and the highest levels of government because some shit heads decided to share nude photos of women on Facebook. Abstractly, that concept alone is both hilarious and sad, but it makes the comic strip today ring even more true.

Dealing with Lance Corporals is indeed punishment to senior leadership for their sins, in this life and possibly the past.

Repent while you can.

In Abe’s defense though, there could be valuable scientific information gleaned from sleeping inside of a cow like Luke Skywalker in a Hoth snow storm. I’m sure when his paper is published in journals across the nation, he’ll be the last one laughing.

And showering.




Terminal Lance #462 “It All Rolls Downhill”

March 3, 2017

For years, scientists such as Albert Einstein have been looking for a unified theory of everything; something that reconciles quantum physics and relativity. In the Marine Corps, I have developed my own unified theory of everything:


Shit is the overarching theory of everything in the Marine Corps.

Field ops are shit.

The food is shit.

Working parties are shit.

Duty is shit.

It’s all shit.

The most important facet of this law is also the physics involved with the direction in which the shit moves.

Shit only moves one way: Down.

Most of your time as a junior enlisted Marine will either be spent doing literally nothing, something, or being yelled at for something, or nothing. Understanding the laws of the Marine Corps, if you can’t figure out why you’re being yelled at, you can deduce, through scientific method, that the shit must have come from above–as shit can only move one way.

Perhaps your Team Leader caught shit for something you did, which was received by his Squad Leader, who in turn received a shitting from his Platoon Sergeant, who got shat on from the Platoon Commander, who took massive shit from the Company Commander; etc.

Never forget, shit only moves one way.

Don’t be at the bottom when it lands.