Year: 2016

In all reality, it’s probably better that we don’t allow Marines to organize Easter egg hunts anyway.

For the children’s sake.

If you’re a boot in the Marine Corps and you’re reading this (and I know there’s a few of you), I have a tip for you…

Don’t answer the door when the duty knocks.

Just don’t do it. Why would you do it? You’re just going to end up on some working party. Keep your door locked, pretend you’re not there, pretend you’re masturbating, etc. Just do whatever it is you have to do to avoid that ominous knock from the man in chucks.

I assure you, he is the bearer of bad tidings.

Anyway, it’s Good Friday today, and if you’re anything like Garcia (Mexican) you’re probably going to church this weekend. I’m not particularly religious, but if I were Christian, I’d be Catholic (I’m Mexican). I don’t much like these new age churches that call themselves “Christian Centers” with rock bands and hip, cool preachers that can totally relate to you. I like my religion old school, with ancient and ominous hierarchy and a violent history of crusading. Plus, Catholic churches have the most rad gothic architecture, and bitches love gothic architecture.

Anyway, it’s Friday and it’s a holiday weekend. I don’t have a lot for you, other than if it looks like shit, smells like shit, it probably is shit. Don’t be the one to put your dick in it.

Can we just talk about MRE’s for a second?

I’m not some kind of hippy, vegan, organic, vegetarian, gluten-free yuppie or anything like that… But I can’t help but simply feel sorry for those sad fucking animals that end up getting turned into the monstrosity that is just about any of the MRE menu items.

I’d be okay if I knew I was going to be eaten, as long as I knew I would be prepared with dignity in a nice restaurant of some kind. But unfortunately that can’t be every cow. Some poor fucking creatures need to be slaughtered, ground up, mixed with 100 preservatives and other animal parts, pressed into a patty shape, and given to hungry Marines in the field.

It’s quite possibly the saddest fate I can imagine.

Speaking of animals, I’m getting my dog pet insurance. He had a pretty bad spill yesterday at the dog park, required some stitches, and it was kind of ridiculously expensive. Still, I was able to get this shot of him before that happened. It’s depressing knowing my dog is better looking than me.

I haven’t really posted anything personal in a while, but my life has just been so insane lately it’s been hard for me to even keep track of it. I’m trying to get back in the swing of things, after taking a brief vacation and dealing with all of this book stuff, not to mention relocating my entire life to LA. In any case, there’s definitely some good stuff planned for the near future!

Don’t forget, you can preorder “The White Donkey” now if you missed the first printing. This new hardcover edition of the book will be in stores everywhere April 19th!

When he gets to a high enough rank, he’ll start his own Tumblr.

The world of the officer is very different from that of the enlisted. Instead of boot camp and SOI, officers attend Officer Candidate School (OCS) and The Basic School (TBS) for their Marine Corps indoctrination. To qualify, you just need a bachelor’s degree in pretty much anything. From then on, you are a tried and true leader of Marines.

There’s often quite a bit of friction between the officer and enlisted world. Enlisted comprising the majority of the Marine Corps, we are the working class citizens of the military. The officers then are usually seen as the white collar, pedigreed elite, with their shiny ranks and vastly superior living conditions and overall treatment. The difference between the two lifestyles is actually tremendously different, almost to the point of absurdity.

To be completely honest, becoming an officer in the military is one of the best and highest paying jobs you’ll likely find with nothing more than a bachelor’s degree in today’s age. On top of that, you’ll be treated like royalty once you hit the fleet. The starting pay of around $30,000 a year might not seem like a ton, but your paycheck is on top of the already provided housing, food, medical, and other perks. Plus, bitches salute you. How cool is that?

That is assuming you make it through The Basic School.

Where you learn to be basic.

Happy 0311 Day!

Every year, on March 11th, we celebrate the Rifleman.

No, I don’t mean every Marine. I mean the 0311 Infantry Rifleman. Despite what the recruiting posters tell you, not every Marine is a Rifleman. The 0311 is the infantryman of the infantry, and those of us in Weapons MOS’s are grateful for them and their unwashed masses. It is because of them that we can skate so expertly throughout our careers, as we can send their plethoric Camelbak-laden boots in our place to police call the parking lot, sweep the catwalk, and do basically any other menial bullshit we don’t want to.

By we, I’m referring of course to the Weapons MOS’s of 0331, 0341 and 0351. If you’re unfamiliar with a basic infantry company setup, you generally have three platoons full of 0311’s, and one platoon mixed with the other three Weapons MOS’s.

0311’s are the grunts of the grunts, and we love them as such. And so it is, on every March 11th, we designate it “0311 Day.”

So here’s to you, my Rifleman friends, for kicking ass and taking names… and letting the Weapons Platoons continue to skate.

On a side note, you can now preorder the hardcover edition of The White Donkey, due out on April 19th!

I knew it… Stephens is that guy.

Safety stand-downs are a ubiquitous part of Marine Corps life, where you learn such valuable things as how to avoid shaking your baby to death or not rape people or things. These usually come prior to a long weekend, but can be gleefully inserted into any work day after some catastrophic event happens from some idiot in your company.

Have you ever noticed it’s always the same people? It’s always the same motherfuckers that mess everything up for everyone else, but it’s you that has to sit around in a theater all day and get treated like a 4 year old. The only logical conclusion is that they’re doing it on purpose. After all, sitting in a classroom all day is better than being stuck at the armory cleaning your clean weapon for the 5th time this week.

Anyway, I don’t have a lot to say at the moment. As I type this, I’m in the process of moving my entire life to Los Angeles. Hopefully things will settle down here in the next couple of weeks. Busy times!

Lastly, I just want to point out that you can actually pre-order the new hardcover edition of The White Donkey on Amazon!

Click here.

Can you blame him?

In case you missed it, Navy SEAL Senior Chief Edward Byers is the first living Navy SEAL to receive the Medal of Honor since the Vietnam war. You might have also noticed that his ribbon stack is quite impressive, to say the least.

It has inspired the most rock-hard moto-boners across the military, though I would expect no less from a Navy SEAL. In all seriousness, I congratulate Senior Chief Edward Byers, as well as all of the Medal of Honor recipients, on being a much more hardcore badass than myself and most of us will ever be. I had the honor of spending a couple of days with three Army Medal of Honor recipients last month at the 13 Hours premiere in Dallas, and it was a humbling experience to say the least. To even be invited amongst such company was an honor for me, a guy who is most well-known for artful representations of phallic objects.

In other news Terminal Lance is back!

I have to apologize for the rather unannounced absence, I was actually on a much needed vacation for a couple of weeks in Europe. It’s crazy, but my entire life is essentially imploding right now with just a lot of things.

In case you missed the big news, my graphic novel The White Donkey was picked up by Little, Brown and Co. for national publication on April 19th! Little Brown has been amazing to work with so far, and they’ve been super excited about bringing the book to a broader audience. The book will be available in stores and online in hardcover starting April 19th!

Europe was a lot of fun, most of the time spent actually in London. I did travel to Brussels in Belgium for a couple of days, which was fun, except it was really impossible to find any food that wasn’t waffles, chocolate or fries. There was also a creepy peeing baby everywhere. I don’t know.

I’m back in the glorious land of the free now, however, I’ll be busy again this weekend as I relocate my entire life to Los Angeles. Like I said, it’s been a crazy last month or so.

Don’t worry, Terminal Lance isn’t going anywhere any time soon.

One final note: If you’re a Kickstarter backer who pledged over $40 and you still didn’t receive a copy of the book, please email me at kickstarter@terminallance.com so we can get you sorted out. I’m caught up on everyone that has emailed me, but I will not send the book out until you confirm your current address with me.

It’s a commonly known fact that when every man exits military service, he will grow his beard out. It’s a badge of honor and rebellion! After years of being forced to scrape your face every morning, it becomes almost a nightly fantasy akin to threesomes with exotic women to walk the world freely with your beard at length.

Unless you’re a Spaniard like me and you grow more hair on your chest than you do your face. Thanks, dad.

I’m just assuming that women do the same thing. Probably.

After all, women are allowed in the infantry now, and it’s looking like women will soon be required to register for the draft. I have no choice but to assume that the hair between their legs has attained similar equality to men, post-EAS.

If you don’t know what EAS means, you’re probably new around here, but it simply means “End of Active Service,” otherwise known as the day you get the fuck out of the Marine Corps.

Sorry of the late update, there’s a ton of stuff going on behind the scenes in Terminal Lance land, and it’s been an exhausting week with the book release on Monday. The book has been a huge success, selling out in barely over a day.

If you missed your chance to get The White Donkey, I have some good news for you on Monday… Stay tuned and have a good weekend.

It’s tax time, and while Staff Sergeant can’t claim us all as his dependents, he might be able to claim his alcohol at least.

Once again this is a comic previously published in the Marine Corps Times, and I apologize for not being on top of things lately with the strip, but this book launch has really consumed my life over the last week. The main reason I’m writing this post today is just to update you guys about The White Donkey. The good news is that the book launch yesterday was a huge success! The book sold out in 36 hours after its release and has 100% 5-star reviews. This was an independently published, limited run of books. I’m currently seeking a publisher to pick up where I left off, so we can get the book back in stock.

I want to thank everyone who bought the book yesterday, as well as all the Kickstarter backers that made this whole thing possible. It was a huge project, a labor of love that took 2 years to finish, and I’m happy to see that it was worth it. I received this email yesterday, and while it nearly brought me to tears, it was a somber reminder of why I made this book in the first place.

The success of any real artist isn’t measured in money, but in cultural and emotional impact. As I mentioned in my interview with Task & Purpose, if this book helps even one veteran, it will have all been worth it to me. I put two years of my life into this book, and I’m happy to see it resonating with people.

Myself and some good friends have been able to get over 1300 books shipped out to Kickstarter backers. If you don’t have it yet, it’s in the mail. If it’s not in the mail, it’s because you haven’t updated your address with me yet.

This is important: if you pledged over $40 during the Kickstarter campaign 2 years ago, you need to email me at kickstarter@terminallance.com and send me your current address. 90% of people have different addresses than I had on my roster 2 years ago, and I will not send out your book unless you email me with a confirmed address (it doesn’t matter if you haven’t moved, you need to confirm it with me). I’ll be mailing out the stragglers for the rest of the week, but I’m also traveling next week, so I won’t be around to sign and mail books. I’m posting this here because I think a lot of people aren’t paying attention to the Kickstarter emails I’ve been putting out.

Anyway, thank you again to everyone that makes Terminal Lance possible, and if you bought the book yesterday, I hope you enjoy it.

In the ongoing struggle between east and west coast Marines, it usually comes down to two things:

• Mountains on the west coast.
• Sand fleas on the east coast.

Keep in mind that Marines, especially infantry, take great pride in knowing they had it so much worse than you. Their misery is a point of accomplishment, akin to the medals and ribbons on their chest. As a west coast Marine, I never really bought into the horror of the sand fleas, least not in comparison to the “Alpha Shelf” or “Reaper” hikes that we had to endure at Camp Pendleton.

If anything, the east coast Marine Corps just sounds miserable because it’s a miserable fucking place. Everything I’ve ever heard about Camp Lejeune and the surrounding areas has made me nowhere near interested in taking a visit. The horrors of the sand fleas, the sights and smells of Jacksonville, it doesn’t seem like the kind of place I’d want to be.

So I’ll give you guys that.

The east coast sucks, as a general thing.

In other news, my book “The White Donkey” will be available for purchase on Amazon starting February 1st! We’ve sent out around 1000 books to Kickstarter backers over the last week, it’s been a madhouse here. Trying to send them all out to you guys before the 1st, but bear with me. Speaking of backers, today’s strip features Austin Coulter, a Kickstarter backer that purchased himself a spot in a Terminal Lance comic strip! (I know, it was a long time ago and I’m still finishing this stuff, I’m a piece of shit)

The book will be available here on Monday.

It sucks, but we love the way it sucks! No we don’t.

They say the grass is always greener on the other side, but in the case of POG’s and grunts, the grass on the POG side would be a fluorescent safety-green (almost like a glow-belt) whilst the grass on the grunt side would look something like this:

We don’t even have grass and we’re not allowed to walk on it. You’d better believe that if one of those Lance Corporals took a step on that barren dirt, a Staff NCO would materialize out of nothingness and shove 3 knife hands in his face over it.

There’s always a lot to say on the subject of POG’s and grunts, but I think the argument often gets twisted into a “combat” vs “non-combat” sort of thing. This is only half of the issue, really. The other half is that grunts, as a general thing, are treated like the lowest of the low on a daily basis even outside of a combat zone. Of course there’s POG’s that do hardcore shit outside the wire, but at the end of the day, they’re not treated like a grunt.

Grunts take pride in knowing they have it the worst, at all times.

In other news…

It is official. Look for The White Donkey on Amazon starting February 1st.

If you were a Kickstarter backer 2 years ago, there’s a good chance the book is already on its way to you, as myself and a bunch of really great folk have helped me get over 700 books mailed out over the weekend.

The White Donkey is the story of Abe, and his surreal journey to and from Iraq. It is the world’s first 284 page graphic novel about Iraq written and illustrated by an Iraq veteran. This book has been a long time coming, over 5 years in the making since the day I started writing it. Believe it or not, Abe and Garcia were written as characters for this book even before they were meant to be in the comic strip. I’m terribly excited and a little nervous to be putting something that has been so personal to me out into the world next week, but I’m also proud of it and optimistic that it is in fact a good book.

You can read more about the book in the special edition article I did for the Marine Corps Times.

I’ve mentioned before that there will be some changes to the site coming soon–they’re already being worked on. My goal is to expand the site so more people can contribute–to kind of give Terminal Lance back to the active duty junior enlisted. If you’re interested in writing for Terminal Lance next month, email me with some writing samples. Active duty Marines are preferred, but not required.