Month: September 2011

Anyone who’s ever been in a bar within 10 minutes of a Marine Corps base knows this story. The unfortunate truth to this is that, much like in the third panel, there’s always at  least one Marine that will fulfill the dreaded Marine Hunter’s goal of getting some of that 18-22 year old cock. I feel like any woman that even knows all the shitty bars that Marines hang out at probably is someone you should avoid, if you value the health of your genitals at least.

But hey, ladies, if that’s your thing–more power to you. I’m sure if there existed a place full of decent-looking young women willing to fuck anything that walks in for free, Marines and men in general would be all over it. I’m sure this could be spinned into a discussion of gender roles and societal standards, but lets not.

All of this reminds me of a friend of mine though, who was in my platoon. He would literally pick an animal and go out to the bars as some kind of sport. Some nights he would go cougar hunting, some nights he would go whale hunting, and some nights he would even go hippo-hopping. The guy would sometimes pick the ugliest girl in the bar, say to everyone, “I’m gonna drink her pretty!”, then proceed to pound alcohol until he had reached his goal and bagged her for the win–as if it was some kind of accomplishment to wake up in absolute regret.

But hey, we all need hobbies right?

Another slightly late update today. Keep in mind, update days are scheduled for Tuesday and Friday–there is no specific timeframe but I do usually try to get them up around midnight. Unfortunately this week wasn’t good for me, and I never really caught up on sleep from the long weekend of book-signing until today.

Speaking of books, if you don’t have a copy of “KNIFE-HANDS!”, you’re wrong! Srsly, I know today is Friday before the 1st, I know you all just got paid! I know some of you may fear online ordering, but it’s actually really simple and easy. Click here to order the book, or scroll up and click the little ad underneath the main title.

And if for some reason you haven’t seen my balls yet, please look here:

Well this weekend was great! For those of you not in the know, which would be weird since you’re reading this, myself accompanied by my publisher went out to Camp Pendleton and 29 Palms this weekend to sell and sign copies of “KNIFE-HANDS!” This comic is based off of a scenario that actually happened on Saturday. Well… except without the hoodie and sunglasses. However, there were a couple of Staff NCO’s that didn’t want to take a photo with me, which I found somewhat amusing.

Trust me, it’s okay! I’m sure the Commandant himself is reading this and laughing, so don’t sweat it! We even had a Staff NCO take the duty van to our signing at the 29 Palms Inn!

Thanks to everyone that made it out! It was a great time, I always love talking to Marines. There’s something inherently great about chatting with Marines; I much prefer the simple honesty of the average grunt over the insincere formalities of the way many civilians will talk to people.

For those of you that missed out on this weekend, it went something like this:

Myself, Brian Iglesias and Anton Sattler (they published the book) went to Camp Pendleton and Big Helyn’s bar on Saturday. We met tons of awesome Marines and sold and signed a bunch of books. The crowd was mostly Marines from 1/4, 2/5 and I think 3/1. I think it was mostly 0311’s and 0331’s there, with a few POG’s and like one 0351. Regardless of what they were, everyone was completely awesome and we had a great time chatting with them all.

That night we wrapped up and drove to 29 Palms, stayed at a hotel and hit up “The Zone” in the morning. I think the boots scared off most the Marines, so I decided to try and get to Camp Wilson before we had to get to the 29 Palms Inn. 3/3 was at Mojave Viper, so I wanted to see if I could find anyone I knew. We hit up the Warrior’s Club and some guys from 3/3 came out, which made me happy. Unfortunately we couldn’t stay longer, but we had to make it to the 29 Palms Inn so we headed off there after a short while. The Inn was awesome, tons of guys came out, including an 0331 in Silkies! I even signed someone’s checkout sheet under “Terminal Lance of the Marine Corps”!

Overall the whole trip was great, we have a ton of photos I’m going to put up on Facebook after I go through them. I had to drive from 29 Palms to the Bay Area after the signing (8 hour drive, I got back at 2:30am and had school yesterday) so I haven’t had much of a chance to put anything up yet.

Thank you to the staff of the 29 Palms Inn and Big Helyn’s for hosting us, you guys were awesome! And thanks of course to all of the Marines and Sailors that came out, it was a lot of fun!

Hey everyone, come join me this weekend for a “KNIFE-HANDS!” book signing in SoCal! Here’s the gameplan so far:

Saturday we’ll be heading over to Camp Pendleton, we plan on hitting up San Mateo and Camp Horno from noon to 2:30pm or so. From then we’ll head over to Big Helyn’s Saloon in San Clemente where we’ll have books for sale and the actual signing event will take place. We’ll be there from 3-6 chilling out, so come on by just to say what’s up if you want.

On Sunday, details are still a bit sketchy but we’ll be in 29 Palms, on base, from noon to 2pm or so and we’ll move off base again for the actual selling and signing of books. Once I have the location off base I’ll blast it on Facebook and Twitter and here and wherever else I can, so just stay tuned and stand by for that. Don’t panic though, there’s really only so many locations to do anything in 29 Palms. I may also stop by Camp Wilson if I’m allowed to for old time’s sake.

In any case, I look forward to seeing everyone this weekend! Even if you don’t have a copy of “KNIFE-HANDS!”, feel free to come by and say hi. I’ll have some little bits of swag with me to give out as well (card thingies). Brian Iglesias will also be there, so if you have a copy of his Chosin DVD feel free to bring it for a signing. We also are planning on having some books for sale, though supplies will be limited and we’ll only be able to do it off-base.

Also, if you wear your silkies I might give you a high-five or something, or at least slap you on the ass. No balls.

Family Fun Days are one of those things that everyone consensually agrees to be annoying, overdone, and unenjoyable in almost every regard. No one wants to go to Family Fun Day. You don’t, your wife doesn’t, your kids don’t, your Platoon Sergeant doesn’t, your CO, First Sergeant and Gunny don’t; and hell, your Battalion Commander probably doesn’t either. It still happens though, and you’ll be forced to go and mingle with everyone on your day off, because clearly spending every waking moment with eachother otherwise just isn’t enough.

The single Marines will stand around on their phones or talk to eachother in circles while dependents run rampant and motivators try to suck up to their command by engaging in some friendly discourse in proper civilian attire as if they don’t both secretly hate eachother when in uniform.

Family Fun Day just isn’t fun. It never is, no one wants to go, and no one should be forced to. They only make you go because if they didn’t, no one would show up.

In other news, I expect to be in SoCal this weekend doing book signings for “KNIFE-HANDS” somewhere around Camp Pendleton and possibly 29 Palms. Unfortunately, we still haven’t locked down the exact details but I expect to have more information tomorrow. I’ll keep the Facebook page updated and whenever I have an official announcement I’ll post it in the “News” section of the site (I really need to update that one more).

Stay tuned in the near future for more details!

No, I’m not suggesting everyone join the infantry. I think it’s been quite a while since I did a strip that actually brought up the subject of POG’s and grunts. Keep in mind, if you read the “About” section of the site you’ll find that I was, in fact, a POG for a little bit (ComCam). During my infiltration of the POG megaverse, I found that this was a common thing brought up amongst those who hadn’t yet deployed to Iraq or Afghanistan. While the boat has certainly been missed for Iraq, Afghanistan remains a viable spot for the adventure-seeking types to explore for a couple more years at least.

I understand (vaguely) that there are “non-deployable” jobs within the Marine Corps. Frankly, the idea itself kind of boggles the mind. Call me crazy, but no matter what your MOS is, it seems like at some point over the last ten years, you should’ve went somewhere.

I suppose my point of view (or Garcia’s) is that if your intention on joining the Marines was to go to Iraq or Afghanistan, there’s probably at least two round-trip tickets to the warzone of your choice in the 03XX field. Obviously, I only speak for myself, but when I was enlisting my intent was entirely devoted to going to Iraq (where the cool kids were going in 2006). Even after scoring in the 90’s on my ASVAB, I told my recruiter, “I want to be a grunt”. His comical response of, “Are you sure?!” went largely ignored, but I had promised myself I wasn’t going to join the military without the possibility of going to a warzone.

If your intent is entirely outside the realm of going to war, whatever. If you’re going to suggest you really want to go, but can’t due to powers beyond your control, I think most grunts would question your motives. If you’ve been enlisted in the Marines in the last ten years for more than a few years, regardless of your MOS, and you haven’t been somewhere… you’re doing it wrong.

Outside of comical things, Sergeant Dakota Meyer was officially awarded the Medal of Honor yesterday. While perusing the many online articles about the ceremony, I happened across this image:

While this is a stupidly cropped version of the photo, I would say it is arguably one of the most powerful photos I’ve ever seen, at least as it relates to OIF/OEF and wartime in general. They say a that every photo is worth a thousand words, but I don’t think a thousand words would be enough to describe the look in Sgt. Meyer’s eyes. Those are the eyes of a man who bears more burden than I can fathom.

Myself and the entire Marine Corps is honored and proud to see Sgt. Meyer receive the Medal of Honor. I can only hope that some day I can be half the man that Sgt. Meyer has proven he is, and I’m sure many others feel the same way.

In other news, we’re looking at doing book signings next weekend around Camp Pendleton and 29 Palms. I have absolutely no info on it other than that right now, but I’ll be updating as soon as I know. If you haven’t ordered your book yet, click here!

Other than that, have a great weekend and wash your dick afterward.

I had trouble deciding if this strip should end up with the title of “Literally” or what you see here. Either way, this is what I imagine happens to the MRE’s that are left out for the platoon to eat. After all, surely no decent Marine would take an MRE out of the box, remove the contents they want to eat and put it back in the box. Surely, they would take the entire MRE and just accept the hand that the MRE gods had dealt them. Because surely, only the biggest douchesticks in the world rat-fuck MRE’s.

Therefore, surely, it is the rat you don’t see that literally fucks your delicious Meals, Ready to Eat. The rat seduces them, undresses them, and has sensual love-making sessions that last into the wee morning hours of reveille.

If I might change the subject, I just wanted to briefly mention something. We all know that Sunday was the tenth anniversary of September 11th. The news poured over it, people updated their statuses, tweeted and blogged about their experiences on the day. Instead of suggesting to you all that anything I could possibly say about it would be a worthy tribute to such a horrific tragedy, I spent the day in solemn remembrance, and suggested (via Facebook) that you all do the same.

I took a trip to the Walnut Creek veteran’s memorial to pay my respects. I posted these photos on Facebook, but I figured I’d put some of them here in case you missed them.

Anyway, I don’t think any of you need a reminder from me to “never forget”. As veterans of Iraq or Afghanistan, the day will forever be a silent reminder of everything we’ve done. No one needs to say it to us, and we don’t need to say it to anyone else, because even if we tried, we could never possibly forget.

Lastly, and another abrupt change of subject, if for some reason you haven’t ordered “Knife-Hands!”, go to your company office and knock on your CO’s door. When he asks what you want (if 1st Sgt doesn’t catch you first anyway), tell him, “Sir, I’ve lost my fucking mind”, because clearly you’d have to be insane to not want to buy such an awesome book.

It is perhaps a possibility that I am one of few–and your views do not pertain as such–but when I think of my time in the Marine Corps, the cool stuff that we do doesn’t usually pop up. At least not at first. No, before all of the recruit-bait moto-stuff most civilians think of when they hear “Marine”, I tend to think of abstract small things like the hours I’ve spent cleaning floors, jerking off in port-a-shitters, cleaning a rifle, barracks parties (which are every night), hazing, bullshit, the way cammies kind of chafe my inner-thighs, yelling and anything else that was part of my every day life.

The great secret of the Marine Corps is that we only do the cool stuff about 10% of the time. The other 90% is spent doing everything mentioned above, plus confusion and anger at every corner. I shot over twenty SMAW rockets in my four years, trained for weeks at a time in the field and spent sleepless nights and sizzling days hunched over an M2 .50 cal atop an MRAP, but I don’t usually think about it.

The Marine Corps–actually living the Marine Corps–isn’t about the cool stuff. It’s about the little things, the 90% of the time things that are often funny and immensely miserable at the same time.

At the same time though, it’s very important that we don’t reveal to our civilian brethren what really goes on in the Corps. Otherwise, those care packages would come a lot less often.

Fashion and the Marine Corps don’t typically mix, at least not when you’re considering what many SNCO’s define as “proper civilian attire”. Don’t let those snazzy uniforms fool you, when confronted with clothing that wasn’t issued, many Marines have no idea what they’re supposed to do–and many take the regulations just a little too seriously. There is an obvious bit of irony in seeing someone dressed like a 1940’s golfer chew you out for looking “like a bag of dicks”.

While not everyone is functionally retarded in regards to their clothing, it’s something you see a lot on and off base. I believe it to be (more or less) the result of people that have been institutionalized since they were functioning adults, whose parents probably bought them all the clothes they had prior to joining. 20 years later, they’re in charge of everyone and no one has told them they look like an idiot. You can technically dress within regs and not look like a total douchehammer, but it’s a hard concept for some.

The Marine Corps has always been one of those things that seems to be about 10-15 years behind the times in terms of modern trends. Not just clothing, but you find many things on base to be behind modern standards. For instance, some stores or shops on base may only accept cash rather than debit or credit. That one always bugged me personally, who the hell carries cash on them these days?

Anyway, in personal news, I’ve got classes starting up again this week! Today, actually. Summer flew by pretty quick, and I realized I didn’t really do anything exciting. Oh well, I’ve had worse summers, after all (Iraq 07 and 09). It’ll be good to get back into class, and I expect to learn some new stuff that will help me with making cartoons for you all–so expect good stuff in the future.

Because I can, I’m going to plus my book again!

If you haven’t bought “KNIFE-HANDS!” already, why not? If you’re reading this, you’re obviously a fan and love things that are awesome–which includes awesome books. So if you’re a fan, love awesome things, and are awesome, you’ll love “KNIFE-HANDS!”

And shit, it’s only $19.99

I suppose I’m the kind of person that’s never really been “in to” conspiracy theories. In general, I find the vast majority of them tend to assume a lot of things in order to validate themselves. Being someone that bases his opinions off of logic and obvious evidence, conspiracy theories are something I just don’t tend to agree with. Also, conspiracy theories usually involve the government, and having worked for them directly I find it hard to believe they’d at all be capable of pulling 90% of this stuff off. With that said, I’m sure all of you have either run into this or at least heard of or seen some bullshit YouTube scientists “exposing the truth” about the September 11th terrorist attacks.

Being a Netflix subscriber and a slut to modern technology, I noticed that “Loose Change” was available to watch on my PS3’s Netflix app. I figured, why the hell not? I sat through the entire series of “Ancient Aliens” and found it entertaining enough to laugh at the ill-informed Greek guy with the crazy hair, how bad could it be? (Has anyone noticed that his hair gets crazier and he gets more spray-tanned every new time he’s on screen?)

So I start watching “Loose Change” and for about an hour I’m like, “Okay, I guess this could make sense if I believed everything I saw on TV.” The majority of the film seems like it is relatively well-researched, genuinely trying to make a point and asking some real questions about the attack. I’m at a point where I’m starting to question my own beliefs, I’m starting to think, “Hey, maybe these crazed hippies are onto something…”

And then it happened.

Yup, Smedley-tittyfucking-Butler shows up in the “documentary”. You know, one of the most famous Marines in Marine Corps history? Two Medal of Honor awards? Yeah, that one. Only, within the film in question, they said he was in the Army.

Yup. I know right? Take a moment to clean the shit out of your pants before reading on.

Apparently, for the all the effort it took to compile YouTube videos in a pizza and Mountain Dew-filled basement into a “documentary” about the “conspiracy” of the 9/11 attacks, the creators of Loose Change couldn’t even be bothered to do a fucking Google search about Smedley Butler. My patchouli-scented, unkept-hippy fantasy about the “conspiracy” of 9/11 was completely shattered around me. You could say my conspiracy-boner went from 12 o’ clock to 6. No way in fucking hell was I going to believe a single word this hack-job movie says if they can’t even get that one relatively minor detail correct. For a movie that relies entirely on details, it lost all credibility the instant they claimed Smedley Butler was a hooah.

Anyway, moral of the story? Most conspiracy theories are bullshit, created by people with nothing better to do.

In other news, I’m just going to plug my video again in case you haven’t seen it yet. It’s only gotten about 7,000 views so far, so I know for a fact that not all of you have watched it. I guess I wouldn’t watch it either if I didn’t like awesome things that make my life better. However, I know you’re not the type, so you should definitely watch it.

If you’re just now finding out that my book “KNIFE-HANDS!” is available to order, take a minute to flick yourself in the testicle of your choice, then scroll up and click the ad at the top of the page to buy the comic. Or, you can click here if you’re too lazy to be bothered with such trivial matters. The book is only $19.99, has over 100 strips in it and more. Also, purchasing the book directly supports the site, and lets me do cooler things in the future since I won’t be begging for change on the street like the people that clearly made “Loose Change”.

I KNOW YOU JUST GOT PAID. Get on that shit.

Seacrest, out.