Maximilian

Creator


Terminal Lance #145 “Conspiracy”

September 2, 2011

I suppose I’m the kind of person that’s never really been “in to” conspiracy theories. In general, I find the vast majority of them tend to assume a lot of things in order to validate themselves. Being someone that bases his opinions off of logic and obvious evidence, conspiracy theories are something I just don’t tend to agree with. Also, conspiracy theories usually involve the government, and having worked for them directly I find it hard to believe they’d at all be capable of pulling 90% of this stuff off. With that said, I’m sure all of you have either run into this or at least heard of or seen some bullshit YouTube scientists “exposing the truth” about the September 11th terrorist attacks.

Being a Netflix subscriber and a slut to modern technology, I noticed that “Loose Change” was available to watch on my PS3’s Netflix app. I figured, why the hell not? I sat through the entire series of “Ancient Aliens” and found it entertaining enough to laugh at the ill-informed Greek guy with the crazy hair, how bad could it be? (Has anyone noticed that his hair gets crazier and he gets more spray-tanned every new time he’s on screen?)

“Ancient Aliens” in a nutshell

So I start watching “Loose Change” and for about an hour I’m like, “Okay, I guess this could make sense if I believed everything I saw on TV.” The majority of the film seems like it is relatively well-researched, genuinely trying to make a point and asking some real questions about the attack. I’m at a point where I’m starting to question my own beliefs, I’m starting to think, “Hey, maybe these crazed hippies are onto something…”

And then it happened.

Smedley Butler, bitches.

Yup, Smedley-tittyfucking-Butler shows up in the “documentary”. You know, one of the most famous Marines in Marine Corps history? Two Medal of Honor awards? Yeah, that one. Only, within the film in question, they said he was in the Army.

Yup. I know right? Take a moment to clean the shit out of your pants before reading on.

Apparently, for the all the effort it took to compile YouTube videos in a pizza and Mountain Dew-filled basement into a “documentary” about the “conspiracy” of the 9/11 attacks, the creators of Loose Change couldn’t even be bothered to do a fucking Google search about Smedley Butler. My patchouli-scented, unkept-hippy fantasy about the “conspiracy” of 9/11 was completely shattered around me. You could say my conspiracy-boner went from 12 o’ clock to 6. No way in fucking hell was I going to believe a single word this hack-job movie says if they can’t even get that one relatively minor detail correct. For a movie that relies entirely on details, it lost all credibility the instant they claimed Smedley Butler was a hooah.

Anyway, moral of the story? Most conspiracy theories are bullshit, created by people with nothing better to do.

In other news, I’m just going to plug my video again in case you haven’t seen it yet. It’s only gotten about 7,000 views so far, so I know for a fact that not all of you have watched it. I guess I wouldn’t watch it either if I didn’t like awesome things that make my life better. However, I know you’re not the type, so you should definitely watch it.

If you’re just now finding out that my book “KNIFE-HANDS!” is available to order, take a minute to flick yourself in the testicle of your choice, then scroll up and click the ad at the top of the page to buy the comic. Or, you can click here if you’re too lazy to be bothered with such trivial matters. The book is only $19.99, has over 100 strips in it and more. Also, purchasing the book directly supports the site, and lets me do cooler things in the future since I won’t be begging for change on the street like the people that clearly made “Loose Change”.

I KNOW YOU JUST GOT PAID. Get on that shit.

Seacrest, out.