Terminal Lance “Area 51”

July 23, 2019

Boy they sure are going to be disappointed when they get to Area 51 and it’s just another really boring air wing base filled with POG’s. I would say the aliens aboard Area 51 probably aren’t even attractive enough to have sex with, but it’s an Air Force base and everyone is attractive.

Have I mentioned before that the Air Force is bizarro Marine Corps? Everything is the opposite.

They have an Area 51… We have a 51 Area at Camp Pendleton. Area 51 is super famous, mysterious, and full of hot aliens that everyone wants to dick down. 51 Area has like… a gas station Marine Mart MCX? Not nearly as interesting, but it’s all we have.

In the meantime, do me a solid and don’t tell the general public that Marines don’t actually know anything about Area 51… It’ll help me out with something.



Terminal Lance #551 “Firewatch”

June 25, 2019

It’s that time of year again! The time when nearly every week there’s a new, major fire breaking out at Camp Pendleton. There’s something about the combination of dry, California brush with Marines firing machineguns and explosives that seems to really light up Camp Pendleton. Perhaps there’s some science behind it–who really knows?

Last week, Camp Pendleton was ablaze with its first major fire of the season. Of course, this isn’t anything that the base isn’t already used to, but it never stops Marines from hoping that maybe work will get canceled. Camp Pendleton fires are like the snow days of the Marine Corps for those stationed aboard the SoCal stronghold, with Lance Corporals secretly wishing the mountainous wilderness will burn down just enough (with no injuries, of course) that it cancels next week’s five day field-op that absolutely no one was looking forward to.

Of course, with the luck of the average Lance Corporal against him, it’s been an unusually cold and wet start to summer here on the west coast. Maybe if we send a platoon of grunts to sleep in the fire, we can cheat nature into putting the fire out with the inevitable rain cloud that follows them… It’s worth a shot, at least.



Terminal Lance #543 “Unlimited Power”

April 16, 2019

For over 250 years, since 1775, the chillest of Marines have been at war with the great power of the Green Weenie. Using its vast network of officers and Staff NCO’s it has conducted extensive efforts to screw over Marines every chance it gets. It has but one weakness…


The only thing the great Green Weenie has never been able to stop is Time. With time, every Marine’s contract must come to an end. As their EAS date approaches, freedom ever looms in the background. What starts as a distant light at the end of the tunnel on day one, soon turns into a bright warmth of guiding rays 4 years later. It is often that the only truth a Marine has to look forward to is that their EAS date will eventually arrive.

Until now.

The great Green Weenie is constantly looking for new ways to fuck you over.

Stay vigilant, Marines. Complacency kills.



Terminal Lance #539 “Chow Hall Nightmares”

March 15, 2019

There’s terrible things going on in chow halls across the Marine Corps. Well, I don’t actually know this, I’m just assuming so because the food is often so bad that it must mean something has gone terribly wrong. Of course, bad food and the military go together like moldy peas and carrots. Hell, the DOD spends $22 million a year on lobster tails and the food still sucks.

Not even Gordon Ramsay himself could save the hell that is a Marine Corps chow hall.

I’ve heard horrific rumors of Marines coming across boxes of meat and produce that state things like “FOR MILITARY AND PRISON CONSUMPTION ONLY,” which I believe simply on the basis of the food being so generally awful. There’s only so much even the most talented, bored, gold-ranked chow hall Lance Corporal can do with with what he’s given.

Still, I have to give credit where it’s due, weekend breakfast at the chow hall is among the best in the business. I’d pay top dollar for one of those glorious Sunday morning omelets in the civilian world.