Author: Maximilian

As sure as the wind from a Gunny’s mouth, every major event you can think of probably has had some Marine somewhere in dress blues–naturally, cameras and the like tend to drift toward these individuals, either in interest or to show their support for “the troops”. Reasons withstanding, you will always find an active military member in uniform at these events. Bare in mind, dress blues are only ever required to be worn at balls and the like, so if you spot a Marine outside of this environment clad in black and gold, odds are he’s doing it to impress.

That said, there’s not anything really wrong with that. As we all know, dress blues do tend to impress. I think I generally found the idea of wearing dress blues outside of a ball to be “moto”, and tried to avoid it, as most Marines do. Even I succumbed to their charm though, and ended up wearing them out for an anniversary dinner as well as a dinner with my mother while on leave.

I guess I should also mention that I don’t really use the term “douchebag” in any sort of angry fashion, I really mean it more like, “Hey, look at this douchebag.” For Marines, I would say it’s really more of a term of endearment when used in reference to other Marines. Well, okay, maybe not always, but whatever.

I suppose I should say that continuity really has no place in the Terminal Lance strips. Unless it’s some kind of storyline (e.g.: Necropocalypse), I don’t want there to be an expectation that these need to actually be a coherent story of any kind. If it really matters to you, we’ll just pretend that Garcia talked Abe out of leaving and he stayed to celebrate in the barracks. Good? Good.

Anyway, the holidays are officially over. For Marines, this means you’re probably going to be heading back to your station soon, if not already. While most Marines would have you believe they’re miserable on base, it doesn’t stop them from smiling and greeting eachother at that first morning formation back from leave. As much as you love your family, there’s also admittedly a certain amount of comfort in the return. In any case, I hope you all had a great bunch of holidays, unfortunately I just found out you have duty tomorrow. All of you.

I feel like I should reiterate that I don’t actually have anything against Chaplains, but the Catholic Church really writes its own jokes at this point. If you happen to find the chaplain at your barracks party though, I would be cautious.

I’m sure you’re all aware that this weekend is New Years, two-thousand twelve, to be exact. Idiots and Hollywood producers want us to believe that the end of the world is supposed to happen this year. The very idea is ridiculous, of course–I think you have to be fairly vain to truly believe that the 4.5 billion year old earth would end on your watch; or even human civilization, which is thousands of years old. Not only that, but who the hell are the Mayans to predict the future? They couldn’t even predict their own demise.

I’m afraid 2012 will be just another year for our beautiful planet, so try not to worry.

In case you missed it last night on Facebook, I posted a link to the Marine Corps Rank Insignia Wikipedia page, where someone had made this edit under “Enlisted”:

I found the entry to be quite amusing, unfortunately some motivator decided that wasn’t how they wanted people to see the Marine Corps and took it down for “vandalism”. In all fairness, it was bound to get taken down, but it was funny while it was up. Despite popular myth, I didn’t have anything to do with putting it up.

Anyway, have a happy New Year! Kiss something at midnight–unless it’s a creepy Chaplain.

I suppose I don’t have any profound wisdom to impart upon the world with today’s comic. I just happened to think of another idea for a Christmas comic and decided to go with it. Whether or not you’re coming back from leave, be weary of any presents handed to you by your company’s First Sergeant. In the famous words of Admiral Akbar:

I hope all of you had a great Christmas weekend. My wife got me a massive telescope, which I can only presume is supposed to compensate for my humorously small penis. I’m joking of course–my shockingly large penis compensates for my comparatively small telescope… Okay but seriously, I was looking at Jupiter and Mars like a boss this weekend.

I saw a bunch of people post on the Facebook fan page about receiving the “KNIFE-HANDS” book for Christmas, which I thought was pretty awesome! I’m sure it was the best damn present under your tree. If you found that there were no “KNIFE-HANDS” stabbing your throat this year, you’re still more than welcome to purchase the book online for yourself.

In other random site news, in between long bouts of Zelda: Skyward Sword, I’ve been looking to host a public game of Modern Warfare 3 (or Battlefield 3 possibly) for fans of the comic to try their best to take me out. I’ll have more details hopefully soon, but possibly this weekend I will set something up and whoever can fit into the room will get to play. I only play on PS3, so, sorry to all you PC and 360 players–perhaps in the future.

In the meantime, check out the MW3 and BF3 threads in the videogames section of the forum. You have to be a registered user to access it, but as I mentioned on Facebook–we have punch and pie.

I debated doing this strip simply because the subject of hazing has popped up recently with the Army’s recent unfortunate incident. While it is a touchy subject, it makes for a funny comic. The fact is, hazing is a part of Marine Corps (and other military) infantry culture. It is a staple of it, as much as MRE’s or field-ops. Anyone who tells you otherwise is either lying or out of touch with the average lower-enlisted service member.

Unfortunately, many take it too far.

There is a very fine line between acceptable punishment or training and hazing. Without offering my lengthy opinion, I won’t get into the moral implications of what is and what isn’t appropriate. When I reached the coveted rank of “Senior Lance Corporal,” myself and the rest of my section took a very adamant stance against hazing in regards to our newer Marines. We were lucky enough that our seniors felt the same way (for the most part), and passed on this mindset to return the favor.

Anyway, enough of that downer stuff. It’s Christmas this weekend! I’m not particularly religious, I celebrate Christmas more as a staple of American culture than I do with any implication of any important person’s birthday–as do most people these days, probably. Today, Christmas is more of an American holiday than a religious one; its as American as Mountain Dew, McDonald’s and Don Draper. I simply enjoy it for what it is.

Whatever you celebrate, whether it be Hanukkah, Christmas or otherwise, make it the best it can be. Get into it, decorate a tree, buy someone a present, make the best of your situation wherever you are. I spent a Christmas in Iraq, I know it can suck–but you all have eachother out there. May as well make it fun right?

Merry Christmas.

Edit:

Looking for a last minute present? Howabout “KNIFE-HANDS!!!”–the Terminal Lance compilation book with a ton of extra shit in it. Pick up here!

Sorry gents, no new Terminal Lance strip today, but here’s a strip previously only published in the Marine Corps Times newspaper!

You may remember “Green Weenie Hotdogs” from a previous comic I did on the site, this is technically the origin strip of the restaurant.

Why is there no new strip today? Finals. Finals, finals, finals. I know, it’s lame, but it’s that time of the year and I’m balls deep in a myriad of assignments. With that said, I do have something special planned for Friday for you all, so stay tuned for that…

Also, to keep you all busy, I’m putting this blank strip up for you all to fill in. Fill in the speech bubbles and post it on the Facebook fan page!

I don’t remember a lot about bootcamp, but I remember one thing very vividly: I was always fucking sick.

Most recruits were, in fact I believe there were moments during “2nd phase” when the infection rate of my platoon was 100%. Everyone was sick with something. As it turns out, being thrust into a new environment with 60 other guys from different parts of the country for three months is a shock to the immune system. No amount of peanut butter shots or vaccinations can keep the sickness away, you will end up with some strange disease you’ve never heard of.

My favorite? Cellulitis. Never before joining the Marine Corps had I heard of it, yet it was one of the most rampant problems in my platoon. Cellulitis is simply a bacterial infection that makes whatever part of your body infected swell with puss and nastiness until it gets drained and treated–it can also cause a fever and is actually very dangerous and awful to have. I never got it personally, because I maintained good hygiene, but many recruits would find themselves with some horrific growth dangling off their bodies, desperately trying to hide it from the Drill Instructors so they wouldn’t get dropped into MRP (Medical Recovery Platoon).

We had a recruit catch such a bad case of pneumonia that his lungs filled with fluid and he was sent to the hospital 2 days before graduation. He almost died, but no one wants to get dropped from their platoon.

Also rampant in my platoon was the somewhat humorous disease of “pink eye” or conjunctivitis. Everyone had pink eye at some point. I got it during the crucible, and actually did the entire reaper hike with pink eye in both eyes. It was terrible, but just part of the reality of bootcamp.

As for the old-timey doctor… I just thought it would be funnier. I also stole the design from my 20,000 Leagues Under the Sea project for my Character Design class.

Anyway, in other news, “KNIFE-HANDS” is still on its holiday sale of $17.75, so pick up your copy while its still so motivated! For those of you unaware, “KNIFE-HANDS” is the 1-100 compilation with extra commentary and bonus material, including strips previously only published in the Marine Corps Times newspaper (and never seen on the website). I compiled it myself and I can personally say its fucking awesome–so check it out!

Also, very late update today, but its finals week and I decided to catch up on sleep today, since I got basically none all week. Deal with it.

To be honest, this strip started out on the basis of “bag-fries”–which came to me the other night when I was eating at Five Guys. In any case, there’s something inherently shameful about eating fast food in a “combat zone”. Through phone calls and other correspondance, you try desperately to maintain the rugged image of your combat experience to your friends and family back home. However, the modern warzone is no longer Phantom Fury–it’s large, sprawling bases with as many call centers and gyms as there are Green Beans and KFC’s. Our decade of war experience has brought to us the ability to erect the most unnecessary of amenities across our larger bases.

I recall (quite fondly) the Pizza Hut of al Asad in Iraq. It was a small, clean trailer in a centralized “food court” location on the base. They served not only pizza, but Wing Street buffalo wings as well as a variety of cheesy breads and sauces. Across from it lay the Cinnabon and Burger King trailers, and to its flank was the KFC–home of the highest ranking Colonel in-country: Colonel Sanders.

I never went to Afghanistan, but I hear great things about the TGI Fridays at Kandahar.

In other news, our Movember MAX-Stache contest winner was Staff Sergeant Jay Mullen, by a narrow margin.

I know, I was shocked you all voted for a Staff NCO as well. But just think, if anyone ever tells you to shave, just point to this guy’s unruly moostache hairs and say, “BUT STAFF SERGEANT DOESN’T”.

SSgt Mullen won himself an autographed copy of “KNIFE-HANDS!!!” as well as a custom T-shirt, which I will reveal soon.

Speaking of mustaches, I posted a photo of mine on my tumblr. Feel free to scroll through and take a gander at it. I looked like a total douchehammer, so I was happy to shave it. Strangely, ever since I shaved it I’ve been shaving daily for the first time since I got out of the Marines. For the time being, I am very much over having facial hair.

Until next time, gumshoes.

I’m not sure how it is with everyone, but I know in the infantry your “options” are limited to “do it”. When the annual Combined Federal Campaign (CFC) stuff comes around, you really don’t have a choice when it comes to donating something to something. The same goes for the Navy/Marine Corps Relief Fund; when your command asks you to donate, they’re really just telling you to donate. But honestly, if this is the case, why not just take it out of our paychecks in the first place instead of annoying us with having to fill these stupid things out every year?

Don’t get me wrong, it’s not like I don’t support donating to a good cause, but being forced to is always a drag. Also, flipping through the phone-book of a catalog for the CFC is always cumbersome. Trying to find a good organization to donate to, one that you actually care about, is usually the hardest part. I think one year I donated to a bald eagle conservation organization, another time to a cancer thing (there’s lots of those) and again to some kind of Jewish thing. It’s all usually pretty random and somewhat obscure.

Whether or not you agree with allowing homosexuals to serve openly, or whether you’re even gay, straight or otherwise–one thing is for sure: The Marine Corps will probably be the gayest experience you’ll ever go through. Whether it’s the open showers, the homo-erotic humor, the lack of women in your every day life; you will never go through anything quite as gay again.

As for the baby wipes, maybe it was just my platoon, but during our trip up to Camp Pendleton in our time in the field we had to do exactly this: wipe each other down with baby wipes. Well, not the whole body, mostly it was to get the cammy-paint off of our faces, but it was still pretty gay.

I’ve actually had this strip in my head for a long time, but I figured I’d wait until all the hype around Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell died down before putting it up. I’ve been wanting to follow up the first It’s Already Gay strip for some time, but was looking for a good chance. I figure everyone that was upset about it has probably moved on, and everyone that didn’t care probably still doesn’t care.

In case you missed it, “KNIFE HANDS” is currently on sale for the motivated price of $17.75 for the holidays. It won’t stay that way for long though, so click here to purchase a copy! It makes a great present for anyone that likes things that are fucking rad.

In other news, you have until I update on Friday to submit to me your Movember MAX-Stache contest entries! I’ve already gotten quite a few emails of some disgusting stache’s, keep it up! In no particular order or ranking, here’s some photos:

Don’t worry, if you don’t see yours here it doesn’t mean you won’t win the contest, I just didn’t want to put all of them up.

Anyway, if you have a MAX-Stache you want to enter please email it to me at maximilian.uriarte@terminallance.com

Otherwise, have a motivated week, shitbag.

Those of you unfamiliar with military acronyms may not realize that we don’t say them in some kind of letter-sequence, but rather we sound out the entire acronym as if it were a word. When someone says, “SMAW” or “BAMCIS”, they don’t say “S-M-A-W” and “B-A-M-C-I-S”, but rather say “smaw” or “bam-siss”. This is particularly apparent and annoying in the film Battle Los Angeles, where they repeatedly refer to the “FOB” (fobb) as the “F-O-B”. There is one exception: the “COC”… for obvious reasons.

Point being: if you read this comic as “C-A-C”, it probably won’t make sense. As well, if you don’t know what a “CAC” is, it probably won’t make sense. The CAC is the “Common Access Card” issued to all Marines and service members alike, or rather, your ID card with the little data thing on it that you can stick into computers.

When I was making this strip, the thought came into my head of “What is Abe trying to get into exactly?” But then I realized it didn’t really matter, because there’s a lot of things you have to show your CAC to get into. Making a destination of some kind in the frame or within the dialog would’ve just cluttered up the strip, so made the creative decision to nix it.

Anyway, in other news I’ll be driving up to Portland, Oregon tomorrow. I’m not so much looking forward to the 9 hour drive, but I am looking forward to seeing my family. My wife and I are very busy people, we haven’t really had time to see family until now since we moved out here over a year ago. In any case, I’m not sure if I’ll have something to put up on Black Friday for a comic strip, but maybe if all of you behave I’ll see what I can do.

I want to remind you all again about the Movember MAX-Stache contest, don’t shave until they make you! I trimmed the beard off my cheeks, it was growing too sparsely and just looked awful, leaving me with this goatee… thing. It’s also sparse, and really shows my Spanish heritage.

If you haven’t picked up a copy of “KNIFE-HANDS!!!”, I suggest you hold off until Black Friday… hint. A perfect Christmas present for any Marine!

Have a great Thanksgiving. Eat a ton of food, even the chow hall offers a good meal on this great American day of engorging.