Author: Maximilian

If you think the Fab Five are fabulous, let me tell you about the United States Marine Corps! An organization consisting of over 90% fit males, they strictly enforce tight haircuts and tight buttholes sleeves. Dressed wrong? A fit, masculine man in the shortest, silkiest shorts will come over and set you straight.

Enlist today if you love looking good in front of all your manliest friends, being told how to think and feel about everything, and love getting fucked daily. Love showering and sleeping in the tightest of quarters with people of the same gender as you? The Marine Corps is definitely for you.

And to think, of all places, it used to be illegal to be gay there.

The Marine that reaches Corporal before his friends is quite like the kid that hits puberty first. He used to be cool, but now all he talks about are girls and his three facial hairs. New Corporals are like this, except they only talk about “NCO Creeds” and their three peacetime ribbons. While they’re largely the same as the people who used to be their friends, they feel different.

The new Corporal feels the weight of leadership thrust upon him. He’s not just a Marine, he’s now an NCO of Marines. The rank of Corporal is a test of character that the Marine Corps wants you to fail.

Will you still be a cool ass dude? Or will you succumb to the desires of the Green Weenie and delve further into the dark side of the Corps? The Green Weenie is relentless, constantly trying to lure good Marines to being a dick.

Lucky for you, adventurer, The Terminal Lance Bestiary of the Marine Corps is here to act as your guide against the green forces of evil! The Terminal Lance Bestiary of the Marine Corps is a brand new eBook on Amazon and Apple Books, featuring character classes, ranks and all manner of creatures and ghouls you’ll encounter throughout the Corps. May it guide you in your darkest hours across the Corps.

Adventure awaits you! Prepare yourself against the dark forces of the Green Weenie with the new Terminal Lance Bestiary of the Marine Corps eBook available NOW on Amazon and Apple Books!https://t.co/m080YYL7AG pic.twitter.com/upEAw0UoRq

— Terminal Lance (@TerminalLance) August 8, 2019

Click the sad Corporal to find out more.

Marines are known for many things: their tenacity for war fighting, spirit of brotherhood, and the ability to drink vast quantities of alcohol and still function are just a few. Marines also love to yell. Mostly at each other, but exceptions can be made. Go on to any Marine Corps base and your ears (if they work) will be filled with the distant echoes of asses getting chewed. Marines are taught to yell and to be yelled at as early as they step on those yellow foot prints; a lesson happily given by their Drill Instructors.

One of the most common complaints at the VA post-service is the ever-present, ever-annoying ringing in the ears known as Tinnitus. It’s almost a rite of passage for Marines, at least in the infantry, to say that you’ve entered and exited the Marine Corps with totally fucked ear drums. It means you’ve lived a full life! Full of explosions and loud noises, and you were man enough to do it without hearing protection.

Marines yell because they have to. With more yelling comes more hearing damage, and the cycle continues.

At the very least, you’ll have a few percentage points at the VA to look forward to when you get out.

Boy they sure are going to be disappointed when they get to Area 51 and it’s just another really boring air wing base filled with POG’s. I would say the aliens aboard Area 51 probably aren’t even attractive enough to have sex with, but it’s an Air Force base and everyone is attractive.

Have I mentioned before that the Air Force is bizarro Marine Corps? Everything is the opposite.

They have an Area 51… We have a 51 Area at Camp Pendleton. Area 51 is super famous, mysterious, and full of hot aliens that everyone wants to dick down. 51 Area has like… a gas station Marine Mart MCX? Not nearly as interesting, but it’s all we have.

In the meantime, do me a solid and don’t tell the general public that Marines don’t actually know anything about Area 51… It’ll help me out with something.

As soon as you tell us what's inside Area 51…

— Rockstar Energy Drink (@rockstarenergy) July 22, 2019

There’s no greater tool to understand another culture than empathy. As we’ve explored before, life as an officer in the military is very different than life as a peasant an enlisted member. The military is one of the few professions on earth where a 4 year bachelor’s degree immediately qualifies you for irreproachable god-status within the organization. You get much better pay, housing, O-Club access, general wellbeing and treatment, and more attractive women by becoming an Officer of Marines over the lowly enlisted.

Marine Corps uniforms are full of great history and symbolism. The shiny ranks of the officer represent a beacon of light that may guide us in our darkest of hours. The blackened rank worn on the enlisted collar is to represent the dirty, unkempt underclass that lives in the shadow of the glorious Commissioned Officer.

Of course, none of this is true, but we could all benefit from trying to understand each other better every once in a while.

It’s official: The Marine Corps has a new Commandant as of this week. The esteemed General Neller has stepped down into retirement, and his replacement, General Berger has taken over as the 38th Commandant of the Marine Corps. General Neller can now take his place in the circle of life, joining Jim Mattis and John Kelly in Malibu where they’ll all get lit and talk shit about Joe Dunford, who is stuck back at the Pentagon doing POG shit and being depressed.

At least, this is my headcanon of what goes on between the Marine Corps’ most recent four star Generals. My wife and I have this theory that they’ve got a group chat going where they talk shit about everything and everyone, and how much they can’t wait to fuck off into the sunset after it’s all said and done.

For my part, General Neller has always been a cool ass dude to me and to the Marine Corps. Under his command, he embraced outside the box ideas and was always a Marine’s Marine, being prior infantry. General Berger has some big corframs to fill behind papa Neller, but I’m wishing them both the best of luck in their new lives.

Bob, if you’re ever on the west coast, feel free to hit me up.

Just another day in the life of the Angry Facebook Veteran. Don’t misunderstand me, I’m not saying that the military can’t be good for some people who choose to enlist. For all of my daily degradation, I think I gained quite a bit from my enlistment. What I’m saying is that the people that support the draft are never, like, normal, chill people. They’re also usually never people that were drafted themselves, seeing as we haven’t done that since the Vietnam war.

The bottom line is that, no matter how much I may value my time and experiences in the Marine Corps (in many ways I do), I chose to go. No one forced me to. There’s a rather selfish gap of logic that must be jumped before one can wish to indenture that experience onto the entire American population, somewhat directly contradicting the whole idea of personal freedom and happiness that that silly constitution blabs on about.

The common argument is that, because we’ve been in a perpetual state of war for the last 18 years, we should have a draft to fix the “veteran and civilian divide.” Why this is the preferred solution to the perceived problem, as opposed to literally anything else, I’m not sure. The problem is so far beyond just sending more people into the mix, which logistically doesn’t really even make sense.

When World War III breaks out, we’ll talk.

The Angry Facebook Veteran is an obnoxious creature. He shares outdated, badly compressed and pixelated memes about how badass he is, while simultaneously unable to do a pull-up since 1998. He is outraged about everything, and turns literally any national discourse into something to do with veterans and the military.

Oh sure, black lives matter, but what about VETERAN LIVES?! #22aday #hero #blessed

It’s that time of year again! The time when nearly every week there’s a new, major fire breaking out at Camp Pendleton. There’s something about the combination of dry, California brush with Marines firing machineguns and explosives that seems to really light up Camp Pendleton. Perhaps there’s some science behind it–who really knows?

Last week, Camp Pendleton was ablaze with its first major fire of the season. Of course, this isn’t anything that the base isn’t already used to, but it never stops Marines from hoping that maybe work will get canceled. Camp Pendleton fires are like the snow days of the Marine Corps for those stationed aboard the SoCal stronghold, with Lance Corporals secretly wishing the mountainous wilderness will burn down just enough (with no injuries, of course) that it cancels next week’s five day field-op that absolutely no one was looking forward to.

Of course, with the luck of the average Lance Corporal against him, it’s been an unusually cold and wet start to summer here on the west coast. Maybe if we send a platoon of grunts to sleep in the fire, we can cheat nature into putting the fire out with the inevitable rain cloud that follows them… It’s worth a shot, at least.

In every Senior Lance Corporal’s life, he must have a talk with his Boots about the possibilities of going to war. The boot will be awkward and scared to ask questions about it, but you just have to sit him down and have the talk. It’s better to just get it over with as early as possible.

The looming threat of war is always a constant possibility, but as a Marine it becomes a matter of “what is my next year going to look like.” What was once the droning expectation of going on a POG ass MEU across the pacific abruptly becomes an exciting prospect once a real war breaks out.

During peacetime, the Marines spend every waking moment hoping the headlines escalate into something worthwhile, something that gets them on the next plane and into the fray. While the civilians sit at home, worrying about the possibility of sending our brave men and women into a violent conflict, the Marines are worrying about the possibility of getting a Combat Action Ribbon before they EAS.

With the way things are looking with Iran today… It may be time for you squad leaders to sit down with your boots and give them the talk.

@TLCplMax me walking in to the prior service recruiter office disgusted in myself bc I’m tryna go to Iran lmao pic.twitter.com/69lHDICb4U

— C. ❤️‍🔥 (@belisle_charles) June 21, 2019

I think back to my time in the Corps and I remember how incredibly stupid it was that it was considered illegal to be gay. Not only that, but there was no shortage of ignorant, scared men defending this position as if it actually made sense (I’m sure those long, angry, hateful Facebook posts circa 2009-2010 have aged well). The set up for this comic is actually a reference to a terrible homophobic joke I’ve seen many times over the years along the lines of…

Back when I enlisted it was illegal to be gay. Now it’s allowed. I better get out before they make it mandatory!

The intent of this joke is obviously to disparage the idea of an all-gay Marine Corps, but the more you think about it, the more an all-gay Corps actually makes sense. Hear me out: if the military is all about efficiency, an all-gay Marine Corps would be much closer to that utopian society vision than the former straight Corps. With less dependents due to less pregnancies across the Corps, the force becomes much leaner and much more mobile and ultimately efficient for deployment around the world. The Marines are better-dressed, better-mannered, and better on camera for our PAO-minded HQMC folks.

Of course, this idea requires me to make sweeping generalizations about a group of people…

…So did disallowing people to serve on the basis of them being gay.

Of course, we already know that the Marine Corps is actually the gayest thing a straight man can ever do… And now that I think about it, maybe there’s a correlation to this and the fact that Marines have historically been known as one of the world’s most elite fighting forces… Perhaps a thought for another day.

Happy Pride Month.