Author: Maximilian

The Marine Corps issues its members a variety of gear and clothing associated with the position of killing for Uncle Sam. One of those that is rather understated is the luxurious, soft and shitty underbody of the Staff NCO. Upon reaching Staff NCO status—usually in your mid-to-late twenties and after popping out a few kids with your shotgun marriage wife from your Lance Corporal days—your body goes through some… changes.

This is most regularly expressed in the form of the dad-bod. The dad-bod is a specialized shape of male fitness provided by years of neglect and beer. All Staff NCO’s are typically given a dad-bod upon reaching the higher enlisted ranks.

…Or if they’re not, you’d certainly think they are.

I haven’t posted in a bit, but I’m sure if you follow Terminal Lance on other avenues you probably noticed the continuing drama between myself and the abstract social media policies at large of the Marine Corps. Simply put, I think the Marine Corps has (in typical Marine fashion) misunderstood the intent of the social media guidelines created in the wake of the Marines United scandal a couple of years ago.

What began in earnest as a way to protect women and other Marines against online harassment has spiraled into a dogmatic witch-hunt against any Marines appearing on social media for anything ever. Unit commanders get nervous, fearing that a video of a Marine doing something funny will get them in trouble. After all, everyone answers to someone. So, as a response, they do silly shit like demand that a video get taken down from a private, civilian-owned company under threat of revoking an entire battalion’s liberty on Thanksgiving.

For the record, I find this to be an outright act of cowardice and a disgrace to the Corps values that these people pretend to embody. That’s really all I can say about it, other than the fact that Terminal Lance’s social media policy is not the Marine Corps’ social media policy. Last week, a representative from the Marine Corps’ media relations offered to have a conversation with me about it, but when I called he never picked up or called me back.

Oh well.

Some women go their whole lives wondering if that special someone will get down on one knee with a diamond ring and ask her that magical question. Women in Oceanside and Jacksonville know that they can accomplish this just by standing around at the right barbershop on a Saturday. Ladies, date a military man for more than a few minutes and you may find yourself the owner of a new, cheap engagement ring and a mountain of emotional burden.

I’ve talked about this a lot in the past, but there’s some pretty clear cut issues that encourage Marines (and other service members) to marry young. The system itself is rigged, as it’s probably the only profession in the world that will double or triple your take home pay simply for tying the knot.

This seems like an innocuous problem enough, except that young people making lifelong commitments with serious consequences probably shouldn’t be encouraged.

However, if they cared about that, they’d probably stop recruiting 18 year olds into the United States military all together.

In other news, I’ll be speaking at Rutgers University in New Jersey on Thursday night at 7pm at the Zimmerli museum. It’s open to the public so come on by and say what’s up and listen to me talk about storytelling. As well, you may get a sneak peak at my latest project… The White Donkey is currently an exhibit at the museum as well, so if you’re a fan of the book you will be able to catch a glimpse of some never released development materials on display.

Also, check out this fun article from Task & Purpose.

If I can elaborate a bit in my own words, I completely understand that the Marine Corps’ own PAO guys are, like, their own thing and wanted to post a fun video because they’re fans and they’re having fun with it. I can appreciate that as it is, but it’s the principle of the matter that makes me uneasy. On one hand, the Marine Corps brass at large will not hesitate to ruin the life of a 19 year old over a funny video I post that they don’t agree with, but on the other, they will think a video is cute and share it with the world on social media. This was never really supposed to be news, but Paul (a friend) asked me how I felt about it and I elaborated on it honestly.

It just kind of made me feel gross, is all.

I haven’t been updating as much lately with how inundated with work I’ve been on a new book, but I also just wanted to give a shout out to the National Museum of the Marine Corps. I have been officially inducted into their ranks as an official Combat Artist. No, this does not mean I’m going back on any kind of official duty status, active or reserve, it just means I can work with them as an independent civilian to produce real combat art perhaps in the future.

Stay tuned, Terminal Lance isn’t going anywhere…

Every year you will hear the same gestures of kindness coming from the mouths of Staff NCO’s across the Corps. Come over on Thanksgiving or Christmas day if you have nowhere to go. It seems genuine and nice, but no one would ever know if it’s for real…

…Because no Lance Corporal in their right mind would actually show up to a First Sergeant’s house of their own free will, for any reason.

Happy Thanksgiving, Marines!

Enjoy some turkey if you can. If you have duty, well I don’t really know what to tell you. Maybe start an EAS countdown timer on your phone?

It’s that favorite time of the year again, when we get incredibly drunk at birthday balls and plot our attacks on unsuspecting restaurants to cash in on those Veteran’s Day freebies. The combination of the Marine Corps Birthday and Veteran’s Day in one weekend is enough to send any motivator into a self-indulgent patriot spiral of alcohol and red-white-and-blue pancakes at IHOP, so tread carefully this weekend.

For you Staff NCO’s out there, remember that if you have a moto-boner lasting more than 4 hours, see a Corpsman.

This weekend doubles in both birthday shenanigans and Veteran’s Day freebies, which is why I tried to fit both in today’s comic. For those of you like myself that have no shame in getting free shit this weekend, below is a list of free food (that I tactically acquired from USA Today) you can partake in this Sunday for active duty and veterans.

Lastly, as always, Happy 243rd Birthday, Marines.

Applebee’s Neighborhood Grill: Free meal from a special menu Sunday.

Back Yard Burgers: Free Back Yard Classic Burger Sunday.

Bakers Square: Free Veterans Day Breakfast Sunday plus get a 20 percent off coupon for a future visit.

Bar Louie: Free flatbread or burger Sunday.

Bertucci’s: Free small cheese pizza Sunday and Monday.

BJ’s Restaurant & Brewhouse: Free meal up to $12.95 and free Dr. Pepper beverage Sunday. Also in November, military personnel can also reserve a Pizookie through the Buy a Hero a Pizookie Program.

Bob Evans: Free meal from a special menu available all day Sunday at all locations.

Bonefish Grill: Free Bang Bang Shrimp appetizer Sunday.

Boston Market: Buy one individual meal and a drink, get one individual meal free with a coupon posted at www.bostonmarket.com Sunday or Monday. This deal is not only for veterans.

Buffalo’s Café: 50 percent discount for veteran and military Sunday.

Buffalo Wild Wings: Free small order of traditional or boneless wings with a side of fries Sunday.

Buffalo Wings & Rings: Five free wings and a free beverage Sunday.

California Pizza Kitchen: Free meal from special menu Sunday. Get a buy-one-get-one free card to use Nov. 12-18.

Cheddar’s Scratch Kitchen: Free appetizer or dessert Sunday.

Chili’s: Free meal from special menu Sunday.

Chipotle: Buy-one-get-one free deal Sunday.

Chuck E. Cheese’s: Free personal one-topping pizza Sunday.

Cicis: Free adult buffet Sunday.

Cotton Patch Cafe: Free Chicken Fried Steak or Chicken Fried Chicken Sunday.

Cracker Barrel: Free slice of Double Chocolate Fudge Coca-Cola Cake or a Crafted Coffee beverage.

Creamistry: 50 percent off any single item Sunday and Monday.

Daphne’s: 10 percent discount Sunday.

Dunkin’: Free doughnut Sunday. No purchase required.

Famous Dave’s: Free two meat lunch combo Sunday and Monday.

East Coast Wings + Grill: Free meal from special menu Sunday.

El Fenix: Free meal from special menu Sunday.

Fogo de Chão: 50 percent off meal Veterans’ Day weekend Friday through Sunday and 10 percent off for up to three guests’ meals.

Freddy’s Frozen Custard & Steakburgers: Veterans and active military who visit a Freddy’s restaurant Sunday get a free combo meal card good through Nov. 30.

Freebirds World Burrito: Veterans and active military get a buy-one-get-one free deal on full-size entrees Sunday.

Friendly’s: Free Big-Two-Do breakfast or free All-American Burger meal for lunch or dinner.

GetGo Cafe + Markets: Free coffee or fountain drink, excluding made-to-order and packaged beverages Sunday. Also available for first responders.

Grimaldi’s Pizzeria: 15 percent off Sunday and Monday. Not valid in New York, New Jersey and Connecticut.

Hickory Tavern: Free Tavern Burger with the purchase of a beverage Sunday.

Hooters: Free meal from a special menu Sunday.

Houlihan’s Restaurant + Bar: Free meal from special menu Sunday. Plus, the chain has a 15 percent military discount every day of the year.

Huddle House: Free order of Sweet Cakes Friday through Monday.

Hurricane Grill & Wings: Free meal Sunday.

Jimboy’s Tacos: Free meal up to $10 at participating locations Sunday.

Kolache Factory: Free kolache and a free coffee Sunday.

LaMar’s Donuts: Free doughnut and 12-ounce coffee Sunday.

Little Caesars: Free Hot-N-Ready lunch combo from 11 a.m. to 2 p.m. Sunday.

Logan’s Roadhouse: Free meal from special menu between 3 to 6 p.m. Sunday.

LongHorn Steakhouse: Free appetizer or dessert Sunday.

Margaritas Mexican Restaurants: Free meal Sunday.

Max & Erma’s: Free cheeseburger, fries and fountain drink Sunday.

Menchie’s Frozen Yogurt: Free six ounces of frozen yogurt Sunday.

Miller’s Ale House: 50 percent off meal Sunday.

Mimi’s Cafe: Free meal from special menu Sunday.

MOD Pizza: Free MOD-size pizza or salad Sunday.

Native Grill & Wings:Free menu item up to $11.99 Sunday.

Ninety Nine Restaurant & Pub: Free meal from special menu with purchase of another entree from 11 a.m. to 4 p.m. Sunday.

O’Charley’s: Free meal from special menu Sunday and Monday.

Olive Garden: Free meal from special menu Sunday.

On The Border: Free Create-Your-Own combo meal Sunday.

Outback Steakhouse: Free Bloomin’ Onion and non-alcoholic beverage Sunday, plus 10 percent off everyday.

Peet’s Coffee: Free small cup of coffee or tea Sunday.

Pluckers Wing Bar: Free meal, side and non-alcoholic beverage, up to $15, from 11 a.m. to 11 p.m. Sunday. Dine-in only.

Ponderosa and Bonanaza Steakhouses: Veterans can choose a free buffet and beverage or 50 percent off a menu item. Some locations will honor veterans Sunday and other locations on Monday so check with your closest location.

PT’s Taverns: The chain will offer happy hour selections throughout the entire day to veterans and active-duty service members who present a valid military ID Sunday.

Quaker Steak & Lube: Offers vary by location.

Red Lobster: Free appetizer or dessert Sunday and Monday.

Red Robin: Free Red’s Tavern Double burger with Bottomless Steak Fries Sunday.

Rock Bottom Restaurants & Breweries: Vets eat free Saturday through Monday. Plus, each brewery will be brewing a limited-edition Veterans Day IPA and Saturday through Nov. 12, 25 cents from every pint will go to a local Veterans charity.

Romano’s Macaroni Grill: Free Mom’s Ricotta Meatballs and Spaghetti entrée Sunday.

Ruby Tuesday: Free appetizer up to a $10 Sunday.

Scooter’s Coffee: Free drink of any size Sunday. Plus, stores will be taking donations for Wounded Warriors Family Support Sunday and Monday.

Shake Shack: Free scoop of Shake Shack Custard at all locations Sunday.

Sheetz: Free six-inch turkey sub and a regular size fountain drink Sunday.

Sizzler: Free lunch from special menu until 4 p.m. Sunday.

Starbucks: Free tall coffee for any veteran, active duty military and military spouse Sunday.

SweetFrog Frozen Yogurt: Free 12-ounce frozen yogurt Sunday.

Taco Cabana: Free Brisket Taco Sunday.

Texas de Brazil: Two veterans dine for free plus 20 percent off for up to six additional guests on Sunday and Monday.

Texas Roadhouse: Free lunch from a special menu Sunday.

TGI Fridays: Free meal up to $12 Sunday and Monday.

The Greene Turtle: Free meal up to $12 Sunday.

Tijuana Flats: Free entree and drink Sunday with military ID. Dine in or take out. One per person.

TooJay’s: Free meal from a special menu Sunday.

Walk-On’s Bistreaux & Bar: Free classic burgers Sunday.

Wawa: Free hot coffee Sunday.

Wienerschnitzel: Free Chili Dog, small fries and a small drink Sunday.

White Castle: Free combo meal for veterans and active military members who dine in or go through the drive-thru Sunday and Monday.

Yard House: Free appetizer Sunday.

Zoës Kitchen: Free meal Sunday and Monday with a valid military ID.

The barracks can be a spooky place. In all reality, standing duty all night can be quite frightening. You often find yourself alone into the wee hours of the morning… You hear a strange noise, so you fulfill your obligations as the only sober person in the barracks and creep your way along the barracks catwalk to see where it came from. You approach the corner hearing a gurgling, wretched sound getting louder and louder. You turn the corner to find…

…A drunk Marine vomiting off the third deck at 2am.

The scariest part? You probably have to clean it up before the OOD comes by.

Other spooky barracks activities include locking your door and hiding under the covers while your drunk seniors bang on the door to drunkenly haze you late at night; or perhaps walking in on your roommate balls deep in a woman that can only be described as a beast of sorts, on your bed, leaving stains on your pillow. Very frightening, indeed.

Happy Halloween.

You’ll probably lose quite a few things while you’re in the Marine Corps. Your Goretex jacket, those weird black leather gloves that CIF gives you for some reason, your dignity and sense of shame, etc. Once they’re gone, it’ll take a crew of many Marines to search and scour for them. If those things are found, you’d better believe you’ll be busting out that 550 cord and wrapping it around a rock (or something) to drag around with you for at least a good few days.

The dummy-corded rock is a common practice within the Corps. The idea is, if you have to do something as stupid, childish, and annoying as drag around a rock for a few days, you’re much less likely to make the same mistake in the future. It’s fuck-fuck games 101, taught to all Lance Corporal squad leaders and up within their first year of getting to the fleet (or the first time they lose a piece of serialized gear).

If you find yourself with a pet rock… Know that it’s probably your own fault and you deserve it.

As well, you’d better remember that rock’s serial number when asked, or we’ll be playing games all night. Good to go?

What is… Anywhere else?

The military is a weird thing–especially as infantry–where you and all manner of other individuals from across the country get plucked and pulled from your past life and placed into a single spot, where you all can wallow in misery together. Very rarely are you placed somewhere very close to your home of record, unless you happen to hail from Oceanside or Jacksonville. In a rare twist, I had a guy in my platoon that was born and raised in Kailua (we were stationed in Hawaii).

For the rest of us, going home was quite the endeavor, reserved only for specific times of the year. Of course, being stationed in Hawaii was a unique thing on its own. If I were in Camp Pendleton, making a drive to see family would have been fairly easy, being from the west coast myself. However, flights off the island are expensive and few and far between.

More to the point though, a junior enlisted Marine will often find themselves wondering how and why they ever ended up there in the first place. Don’t worry, we all feel it. There are days where you’re pretty sure not a single member of your platoon actually wants to be there, but for some reason you all show up and sound off for roll call anyway.

Don’t fret.

The Green Weenie can stop a lot of things, but the one thing it can not?

The clock.

On an admin note, you’ve probably noticed my updates have been spotty lately. Not intentional, but I’m working on a really important deadline this month and it’s going to be like this until I’m done with it. The thing I’m working on? You’ll all find out soon enough.

Marines will bitch about anything. However, the one thing that sets Marines off the most? Cleaning. Marines, generally, feel like cleaning things is some form of torture. This is probably due to the negative association with cleaning and punishment given to most of us during boot camp. If you fuck up, expect to find yourself cleaning things for hours on end.

Despite the fact that cleaning is ultimately self-beneficial in the form of avoiding diseases and overall nastiness, Marines despise cleaning. Any effort to make them do so will be seen with absolute disdain and aversion. Marines go to great lengths to avoid cleaning in all of its dubious forms.

A lot of this has to do with pride and rate. Since cleaning is usually relegated to boots (ew), Marines that feel like they rate will see it as a challenge to their social standing within the unit. In the infantry, where basically everyone is a Lance Corporal, rate is often more important than rank. As such, cleaning becomes one of the delineating factors in who rates and who doesn’t.

Those who rate should not have to clean. Not even their own bodies.

Am I right?

In unrelated news, don’t forget that I will be in San Diego on October 4th on New York Times hosted a panel with some cool ass people. Get your tickets to the event here, and VETERANS AND ACTIVE MILITARY GET A DISCOUNT with the code “NYT.”

I’m a little late with this, but in case you missed it, Camp Lejeune was hit by the devastating Hurricane Florence over the weekend, which cause some significant damage and equally significant barracks partying. Prior to the hurricane making landfall, the world was abuzz in disbelief that the base commander had ordered the Marines to remain in place while the hurricane battered the east coast.

How could they force the Marines to stay there?! EVERYONE WILL DIE!

Well, you’d think so at least, with the way people were freaking out about it. The deluge of hilarious videos and photos I got during and after the weather event made me start to think that the base commander was on to something… Maybe they didn’t let the Marines evacuate, because they simply knew the Marines would have so much fun if they stay.

https://instagram.com/p/Bnrhlq7nh2r/

In all seriousness, the hurricane is no laughing matter. Practically the entire state was flooded and it is in fact a state of emergency. Being on the west coast, hurricanes aren’t something I’m super familiar with, but they seem like they suck. Of course my thoughts and prayers are with the people of the east coast as they recover from the disaster.

In another somber note, I want to mention the loss of a Marine that was in my platoon back in India Company 3/3, Weapons Platoon. Rest in peace Kasey Ozzello, or as I knew him, Ozz. He was an 0341 Mortarman back in the day and we are all sad to see him go. I was never personally super close to him, but I know his loss is affecting everyone that knew him, he was a great guy.

On a less somber note, I want to mention that I will be in San Diego on a panel hosted by the New York Times on October 4th. Please check out the event site here for tickets and the details! I’ll be joined by Pulitzer Prize winning author CJ Chivers, filmmaker Jason Hall, and Marine and author Dave Morris. It should be a good time!

I found myself in yet another familiar predicament today when I woke up to a bunch of panicky emails from distressed Lance Corporals asking me to remove a video they had sent to me under the threat of non-judicial punishment. Keep in mind, the military operates on non-judicial punishment and not judicial punishment because the latter would require actual due process and, like, rights and stuff. By keeping things non-judicial, the military reserves the right to fuck you over for basically any reason they want.

What I find most despicable about this is the idea that some scared 19 year olds need to reach out to me instead of just the Staff NCO threatening to ruin their careers. I find myself to be quite a reasonable guy. If some SgtMaj of some battalion sent me an email saying something like:

Hey dude, I know this is stupid but I have douchebags breathing down my neck about (VIDEO), can you please take it down? My Marines are idiots. Thanks. With love, SGTMAJ Schmuckatelli

I’d more than likely not give two fucks about taking down some video with this kind of candor and honesty. Instead, I get something like this:

Because I am so disgusted at the fact that some poor LCPL’s have to plead with me, terrified, in poorly worded emails, now the entire Marine Corps has to see how fucking dumb this is.