Terminal Lance “Revenge of the Dependapotamus” #1

November 29, 2013



Today marks the beginning of my holiday Revenge of the Dependapotamus fest. The great Lance Corporal Garcia has made the terrible mistake of drunkenly entering into a contract marriage with a woman at the E-Club! It is up to a lone Lance Corporal to rescue him from his imminent doom.

I know, I know, Abe and Garcia are stationed in Hawaii–howcome they’re in 29 Palms? Well we just have to assume that they were there for Mojave Viper or something.

Just roll with me here.

For those of you that might not know what’s going on here, this is a 10-part storyline like the Necropocalypse a couple of years ago. I’ve actually had this one in my head for a long time, but it wasn’t until the Kickstarter that I had a good opportunity to put it out. Star Wars is obviously a fairly well-parodied item in the world of media, and this is no different. The Marine Corps and Star Wars already share a lot of the same mythos, with Wookies and such, plus things like how Yoda is who makes all of those horrendous tray-rat sausages you eat in the field.





Terminal Lance “Bravo Foxtrot Four”

November 26, 2013

Can we talk about Battlefield 4 for a second?

Does anyone else just fucking hate playing this game? Don’t get me wrong… it’s a great game… but I hate it. For everything the game does well, I think what it possibly does the absolute best is make you want to smash your face through your screen and lick the insides of your monitor in the hopes you’ll be electrocuted before you have to be subjected to dying again by some absolute bullshit. I must digress however, the game is actually fairly decent, assuming you don’t break your controller or keyboard before you figure that out.

As expected, the aesthetics of the game are phenomenal, though it recycles a lot from Battlefield 3. Most of my gripes with the game are personal, relating largely to the way that fixed-wing aircraft were implemented into the game, which is to say rather thoughtlessly. My favorite part of Battlefield 3 was flying around, providing air support and actually enjoying it. Taking away runways, providing two extremely uneven different vehicles for flight on both sides, weak weapons, etc., has really ruined my favorite part of the game for me.

Also, why did the folks at DICE decide to just say fuck you to the rank structure and do whatever they want with it? This kind of goes for all of these military games, but I’m really getting tired of seeing Lance Corporal 5-Stars running around and then getting “promoted” to Warrant Officer after they blow past Sergeant Major 5th Star (whatever that is), where they continue to get the coveted rank of “2nd Lieutenant” further down the line. Can we just have a game that uses a normal rank structure that isn’t total bullshit?

If I ever get the opportunity, I’m going to make an awesome war game. You’ll spend half the time on deployment, and the other half on base trying to avoid getting NJP’d or married to a dependapotamus.

The game will stop at Lance Corporal.

It’ll be the most realistic war game ever made.

Speaking of Dependapotami, I’ve been thinking I might start running “Revenge of the Dependapotamus” starting this week. I’ll be traveling for the holidays back and forth between California and Oregon, so it’s as good of an opportunity as any I suppose. If you pledged more than $10 to the Kickstarter and didn’t receive your PDF version of Revenge of the Dependapotamus, check your Kickstarter messages or emails for the one I sent out.

Also, tons of people have been asking me about getting stickers and coins. The stock I have is limited to just the Kickstarter backers. If you missed the Kickstarter and have no idea what I’m talking about then I apologize, but in all fairness, I did spam Facebook and this page for like an entire month about it.

On an unrelated note, the artwork in the strip has gotten a lot smoother lately. I’ve sort of been changing the way I draw it and I like where it’s going. As I get older I seem to enjoy doing less realistic work. Of course, this look is not going to be carried onto The White Donkey, but I think it really fits the humor of the webcomic well.



Terminal Lance “Females in the Infantry

November 22, 2013

As many of you are aware, I’m sure, the first three females to ever graduate infantry training did so this week at ITB east. While they made history as the first to complete training, they will not be awarded the actual MOS or allowed into an infantry battalion to fight. From what I understand, the Corps is simply collecting data on the training aspect of the infantry, which, as many grunts know, is the least important part of being in the infantry.

If you really want to “collect data” (I like how there’s this implication of a really high-tech room with guys in headsets analyzing vitals in real-time), send them to the fleet, because that’s where the real infantry is born.

I feel like people have been waiting for me to say something about this, but I’m not really sure what to say. They passed the MOS training, which is really cool, but why not let them into the fleet? The lifestyle of the infantry isn’t just about what battalion you’re in when you get to SOI, it’s about the every day life of being a grunt. It seems like a hardy ‘fuck you’ to these ladies who just spent the last two months training to be something they’re still not allowed to be. The fact that they still have to go to another MOS school and be students again for another however-many months is just silly. If you’re really worried, try making them headquarters platoon folk first, where they can be company clerks, armory clerks, etc., which is all filled with 03XX people anyway. It may not be in the front lines, but at least they’ll be in an infantry battalion.

I suppose I don’t really have an opinion on this anymore, it’s going to happen anyway so we may as well embrace it. There’s not much anyone can actually say at this point that isn’t laden with an undercurrent of misogyny. The most that one can say with any legitimacy is that sexual assault will be a problem; but if you’re the kind of piece of shit that will sexually assault someone, it’s you that is in fact the problem.

I hate that sentence, “We can’t let women in the infantry, think of all the sexual assaults,” is basically giving shitty men a free pass to rape women. One can only hope that if, in fact, sexual assault does occur in the infantry, that the men perpetrating it will be punished accordingly.

To the ladies in the strip, I apologize if I didn’t nail your likeness down.

Well, not really, because you just graduated SOI, which means you’re all fucking boots.



Terminal Lance #298 “Bird of Prey”

November 19, 2013

Beware the call of the mighty Blue Falcon.

He prowls the skies searching for his next target. He is a bird of prey, but he preys not on the typical feast of field mice and smaller birds. No, this great azure raptor seeks only those to whom it is close… for you must be it’s buddy, in order to be buddy-fucked. When you feel that warm splat of milky blue shit on your shoulder, you know you’ve been hit.

The Blue Falcon comes in many forms, but usually it’s the careless friend of yours that unintentionally (or intentionally–for the true assholes) manages to screw you over in some way or another. The Blue Falcon is merely a guise for the infamous Buddy Fucker, an alternate form of being for when he is in the skies, on the prowl. In all actuality, it can be really easy to fuck your buddy over in the Marine Corps, without even realizing it. You can have the best of intention and good will, but if you find that you’ve fucked your buddy, you shouldn’t be surprised when he pulls the wings off and calls you by your true name…

…Buddy Fucker.

The Marine Corps is all about the brotherhood. I know it’s a cliche, but it’s largely true. If there’s one thing I took away from my drunken rendezvous with SgtMaj Kent this weekend, it was that human interaction is an important, yet fading part of a good Marine Corps. Too many officers, commissioned and the non, are so quick to push paperwork down your throat instead of actually talking to you, man-to-man. Email has replaced conversation, with comically long and obtuse signature lines replacing an honest, ‘thank you.’

The CO that slams you with an NJP before even trying to fix the situation with counseling is just as much the fucker of buddies as the falcon of the skies.

Don’t be the falcon, be a man. If someone is acting out, there’s always a million ways around it before anything official needs to be done, potentially ruining someone’s career.



Terminal Lance #297 “Book Smarts”

November 15, 2013

I thought of this joke last night while I was out drinking with former Sergeant Major of the Marine Corps, Sergeant Major Kent, and Paul Szoldra from The Duffel Blog.

No, that’s not a meth-induced fantasy scenario I cooked up last night, that actually happened.

Baller Status

Baller Status

It’s a weird story, but it started with this:

Is this real life?

Is this real life?

What proceeded was me and Paul getting sloshed in downtown San Francisco on “Leatherneck” beer at the Marine’s Memorial Club and Hotel courtesy of SgtMaj Kent. We even exchanged challenge coins.

It was weird.

…But it was awesome.

Anyway, about today’s strip:

Those of us that chose the infantry moniker of “Assaultman” at ITB are frequently known as the “smart ones” of the infantry. There’s a prerequisite algebra exam prior to entering the training program. It was fairly easy, I got 100% on it, as did other members of my class. We learn all about demolitions, to include some advanced knowledge of calculating the blast radius of different explosives, etc. It’s a lot to take in, and generally speaking, the 0351 group of a Weapons Platoon generally tends to be the most “nerdy” of the bunch. This is undoubtedly true, as many times our little circles in the field would devolve into debates about Star Wars and whether or not Wolverine could kill Captain America; all whilst the 0331’s were busy calculating the amount of times they had pulled out versus let it soak.

Of course, it’s all irrelevant in the end. In my battalion, 0351’s were mostly turned into turret gunners and whatever else they needed. I, myself, ended up being a .50 cal gunner on my first deployment more than anything else.

We’re smart, but unfortunately most battalions don’t really utilize them for that purpose anyway. 0351’s become a weird jackoff of all trades of sorts.

Regardless, we all end up in the same place, doing mostly the same stuff, and hating it just as much as anyone else.



Terminal Lance “Veteran’s Day at Applebee’s”

November 12, 2013

“You don’t look like a Veteran,” I’ve been told.

“What is a Veteran supposed to look like?”

Veteran’s Day is often a time that I experience a plethora of emotions, none of which I know how to fully describe. While I sit in a commercial establishment that’s been embellished with pro-military Thank You’s and American flags to appeal to my patriotism, I still feel out of place. I wore a polo yesterday, a blue one from Banana Republic. This was a stark contrast to the many black vests laden with patches, medals and camouflage fatigues I was surrounded by.

Everyone expresses their “Veteranisms” their own way. I suppose I maintain that I look “military” because I like to stay clean cut and I keep my hair short. I don’t feel the need to wear patches or comically oversized “Veteran hats” that are so standard among our predecessors. I feel that the modern veteran is a different animal than those of the past. The Vietnam war veteran imagery that was so commonplace in my childhood has been replaced by fit men in polos with neat haircuts. The era of the Vietnam war was very different; it was spiteful and angry. You’d never know, by walking into an Applebee’s on Veteran’s Day, that the warrior class of 40-50 years ago was spat upon and shunned when they returned home from that ugly war.

Still though, much like my own generation, for all the anger and hatred they felt upon returning home, they wear their veteran status with pride.

Some people lately have accused me of things they don’t understand. They tell me I hate the Marine Corps or that I am disrespectful to it. I disagree wholeheartedly. I feel that I, more than most, have shown above all else that I do not hate anything other than ignorance. My goal here has never been to hate, and if you feel that way, I might invite you to fuck off in whatever way best suits you. I can introduce you to ways you can fuck off, if you need me to. My goal here is, and has always been, to show the Marine Corps and the military in the most honest light I can comprehend, which occasionally involves criticism and (hopefully always) provides humor.

Like those other veterans–even without patches and hats–I wear my veteran status with pride. It was my accomplishment, enlisting in the Marine Corps as infantry and going to Iraq twice, and I would have it no other way.

On an unrelated note, I’m currently looking for a new shop system to take over the Terminal Lance merchandise store. I’m looking for someone to handle printing, distribution and logistics, etc. If you’re someone that owns a print shop or otherwise and are interested, please shoot me an email. Also, make sure you come by the Terminal Lance Forum, which has also recently been revamped.

Oh, I also made the front page of my old school’s website.



Terminal Lance “Happy 238th Birthday!”

November 8, 2013

This is certainly not the first time I’ve done a strip about the Marine Corps birthday, and it’s certainly not the first time Gunny has gotten too drunk to handle himself. It’s no secret that Marines love to drink, and Gunny has a good point here in that we are not particularly cultured creatures. The Marine Corps Ball is really a pain in everyone’s ass, but it’s one of those things that everyone has to do regardless.

Instead of just getting a bunch of your friends together at a dive bar 5 minutes away from base, you’re usually forced to go to some extravagant, overpriced gathering at a hotel 60 miles away. Despite the fact that you’ll be doing countless car washes and other equally mind-numbing fundraising events in preparation for the ball, you’ll still have to pay $60 for your lukewarm poultry dish and watch your Battalion Sergeant Major awkwardly try to tell jokes. While I and many women do enjoy how amazingly, brilliantly, blindingly good-looking I am in my Dress Blues, I’d just as readily delight in going to Red Robin in a T-shirt and jeans with a small group of Marines for $12.48 (+tax) where we can celebrate the Marine Corps’ birthday on our own time.

If you’re married or have a girlfriend to accompany you, it can actually be kind of fun, albeit more expensive. However, don’t expect single Marines to give a shit about the oldest and youngest Marines in the battalion eating cake. They’d rather just go back to the barracks and play GTA V in their pajama pants with a Lagunitas IPA and a deep dish pizza from Domino’s.

In any case, Happy 238th Birthday this weekend Marines! I hope whoever made this cake at least got a Page 11, they would have been better off going with beer cupcakes anyway.




Terminal Lance “MEU Mischief”

November 5, 2013

Firstly I wanted to express my deepest gratitude to Mr. Uriarte for affording me the opportunity to contribute to his strip and for being patient with me. I was introduced to Terminal Lance by a Lance Corporal Andrew Ross over three years ago while I was still stationed on a Wasp-Class amphib. I’ve been following the strip ever since (partly because it loaded easily on shitty internet connections) and to be able to be a tiny mote in it is extremely exciting and worth sleep deprivation.

So diving into the content, the amphibious assault ships, or ‘Gators’, are home to one of the biggest culture clashes in the Department of Defense. On board these ships, hundreds if not thousands of Marines are crammed on to a boat dwarfing the population of the permanent crew to basically steam circles in the ocean and standby to support any operation where they are needed. Which sometimes isn’t a whole damn lot.

The infantry Marines on board said Gator have it the hardest because there is almost nothing that they can actually do that pertains to their jobs. They’d try to find constructive things to do, but once the berthing is spotless, training’s done, and there’s no chow being served, they tended to work-out or break things. Sometimes they succeeded in doing both at the same time.  This strip is based on an event that happened right before I checked aboard, according to my mentors. So how true this is up for debate, but quite honestly, I wouldn’t count it out.


You can see more of Minnie’s work by clicking this awesome link. And this one.