It’s not really a secret that the Marine Corps is technically a department of the Navy, but you’d be hard pressed to find a Marine willing to openly say that out loud without gagging.

A Marine trying to say "We're a Department of the Navy."

A Marine trying to say “We’re a Department of the Navy.”

Now, now, before all you Corpsman and sailors get butt hurt as if you aren’t already (from all the butt sex) and send me a bunch of angry emails and messages, keep in mind that inter branch rivalry is nothing new to the military. It’s true, we all love each other but secretly kind of hate each other as well. It usually goes something like this:

  • Marines look down on everyone.
    • Here in the Marine Corps, we’re better than you, and we know it!
  • Navy is pretty cool with everyone but always tries to pull the “Department of the Navy” card on Marines. People also like to make excessive gay jokes about them (not that there’s anything wrong with that).
  • To the Marines, the Army is like that dude you know that is always trying super hard to appeal to you and be really cool, but you just don’t care. To their credit, the Army is actually the only other branch with proper infantry that does real gangster shit as well, so we respect them for that; but watching their lax standards and sometimes odd tactics in the field is mind boggling and irritating to most Marines.
  • No one cares enough about the Air Force to even make jokes about them beyond “Chair Force.” They have a weird plethora of hot girls though.

Marines, I believe, are generally well-regarded by everyone. It is an established fact that the Marine Corps has the toughest boot camp, regulations, and entrance standards of the 4 branches. Cockiness is inherent, but often well-deserved.

Then again, I’m probably a little biased.

This little comic strip of mine has given me some dubious honors over the years. One of them is that I have become the defacto dick art guy simply because I’ve done a couple of comic strips about the penis doodlings of Marines across the globe. You do one or two comics about penis art and all of the sudden everyone wants to send you photos of penises. It’s a weird feeling, knowing that as soon as someone sees a funny penis they have a gut reaction to send it to you. I’m not sure if I should feel honored or ashamed, but I’ll take either one.

Either way, it’s an interesting phenomenon. Recently the question was raised on my Twitter of whether or not female Marines engage in the doodling of phallic members on shitter walls or if perhaps they prefer their own genitalia in the matter.

After careful pondering and consideration I have come to the only logical conclusion that female Marines can not possibly draw vaginas, and therefore must draw penises like their male counterparts. Why?

A simple fact: you will rarely see a vagina drawn on a bathroom wall.

With the abundance of male genitalia decorating the inside of any bathroom (portable or otherwise), one must come to the conclusion that either females don’t doodle on the wall at all, or they also draw dicks. Since I refuse to believe the former, I’m forced to accept the latter.

This is science.

In other news, I might drop off the face of the earth for a little bit while I work on the book. You know… the book. I mean, I’ve been working on it, but I’m trying to really kick it up right now to finally, actually get it out the door. A fun fact: the over 200 pages of this book will have more drawings in it than my entire library of over 600 comic strips (between the website and the Marine Times). If this book doesn’t kill me before I finish it, I think it will be as rewarding of an experience as it is difficult. Anyway, it’s been a long time, but stand by to stand by and I’ll have more news on it soon.

I’m sure most people reading this are aware of the recent warnings courtesy of the FBI regarding ISIS targeting service members at home and abroad. Of course, if you’re anything like me, you’ve been way too distracted lately with all of the awesome coming out of Hollywood to really notice. Sorry, ISIS, maybe you should try again in a few weeks when I have time to give a shit about you.

Besides, you’ve been wanting to kill us for like 15 years now, it’s not anything new.

WHAT??? ISIS WANTS TO KILL US FILTHY AMERICANS???

We know.

No one cares.

In more important news: holy shit, did you guys see the new Star Wars trailer? For the first time in a long time I’m actually super excited about Star Wars again. As many of you know, I’m a pretty big Star Wars fan, and it’s actually nice to see something new that doesn’t have the smell of George Lucas on it. People were rather skeptical when Disney announced they were purchasing Lucas Films (and in turn, Star Wars), but I think it was for the best. George Lucas had been sitting on this beloved franchise for the last 30 years with not much to show for it other than perpetually altering the originals with every new edition, as well as three subpar prequels which not even Natalie Portman’s gorgeous ass could save. At this point I don’t think it even matters if you like JJ Abrams or not (I do), all that matters is something new is being done with Star Wars, and it looks awesome.

I talked about Jurassic World before, so let me just talk about the Terminator Genisys trailer that was released yesterday for a moment. I’m not the hugest Terminator fan, but like any male between the ages of 3 and 41 I have seen all of the movies and keep hoping they’ll do something profound with the franchise. I don’t know if this is the film that will do it, but seeing young Arnold Schwarzenegger computer animated always gives me a good laugh. Plus, Arnold is gangster as fuck so I’m always happy to see him in new stuff.

Me and Arnold on "Sabotage"

Max and Arnold on “Sabotage”

Here’s the Terminator Genisys trailer:

 

EDIT: The original strip said he had a “thick neck,” which is incorrect since having a “thin neck” would actually be less desirable for body taping standards. I updated the strip to reflect this.

I’ve never met a Marine in BCP (Body Composition Program) that actually felt like he was supposed to be there. People end up in BCP for a variety of reasons, but generally because they’re overweight and need to improve their physique. This probably doesn’t seem like a generally “Terminal Lance” stance to take on this, but I am a proponent of the idea that Marines should generally be in good shape.

Of the many disappointments and failed expectations I had joining the Marine Corps, being in shape was not one of them. Marines fight wars, and if I can’t fireman carry your ass because it’s too fat, that is a genuine problem. I’m not typically one to fat-shame, but I would argue that the Marine Corps is an appropriate place for such a thing. You’re literally getting paid to stay in shape. PFT’s and CFT’s may seem trivial, but they serve the greater purpose of making sure you’re fit to actually do your job (mostly speaking in infantry terms).

In any case, being in BCP is certainly embarrassing and a hassle, but just stick it out and get past it.

As for the comic itself, this is just mostly what I imagine BCP is like. I never had the problem of being overweight, my body type actually loses weight if I don’t consistently work out to maintain it. I suppose I’m lucky in that regard. The First Sergeant in the comic is inspired by one of my old First Sergeants, Michael Burke, who is now a Sergeant Major.

You might have noticed there was no new comic on Friday. My mom was in town for the holiday so I figured I would try and take a bit of time off for her sake since I hadn’t seen her in almost a year. In any case, we should be back and running at least until Christmas and New Year when I plan on trekking up to Portland to visit home. Busy times right now, trying desperately to get The White Donkey out the door, among other projects in the works as well.

On another note, if you’re an active duty infantry Marine and a decent writer with a sense of humor, shoot me an email.

 

In all fairness, the chow hall Thanksgiving is as good as chow hall Thanksgiving can get.

I’ve spent Thanksgiving both in Iraq and Anderson Hall aboard MCBH Kaneohe Bay, the food really isn’t that bad if you ignore the lingering taste of depression and homesick. But of course, like anything else, Thanksgiving is what you make of it. Sure, maybe you’re stuck on base and can’t enjoy it with your family, but I’m sure there’s plenty of Marines stuck in the same boat as you. Being miserable together is what brings Marines closer to each other. Yeah, shit sucks, but at least it’s shitty together.

That last point might sound kind of corny, but it actually is true. Your platoon is your new family, and even if you can’t spend Thanksgiving with your old family, you’ve still got your new one. Besides, everyone knows going on leave gets old after a few days anyway, when you find yourself strangely wanting to go back instead of fielding off stupid questions and being continually disappointed with life back home.

When I was making this comic, I had a lot of trouble finding a reference image for chow hall Marine uniforms. You guys have like ten different shirts and none of them seem to be consistent. All I know is you chow hall guys get that baller ass gold rank.

It’s a little bit late today for the new comic, but I’ve just been so distracted by the recent news events. You know what I’m talking about… the one that has everyone freaking out. Trust me, I was floored and a little angry when I found out too, but I remain optimistic that good will come of it. That’s right… they released the new Jurassic World trailer.

To this day, Jurassic Park remains in my top 3 films of all time. Watching it again recently, I still find the film amazingly well-made and still able to stand the test of time over 20 years later. I’m not sure if I get the same impression from Jurassic World, but it certainly looks worth watching.

 

I was thinking to myself: what kind of person becomes an MP (Military Police)? It has to be someone that wants to join the Marine Corps, but also just kind of doesn’t actually like Marines. There’s a dubious double standard for MP’s in terms of perception amongst the average populace. On one hand, Marines do stupid shit and the base needs a police force like any other town. On the other, being an MP automatically makes you a blue falcon since you kind of have to be the guy that gets Marines in trouble every day. There’s really no winning here.

Of course, the MP field is pretty big, not all of them are pulling you over for going 30 in a 25 zone on base (the whole base, really). In all honestly I would consider being an MP if I knew I could be a dog handler, because that’s a fucking awesome job. I remember traveling with a dog handler and his dog during my 2nd deployment to Iraq from al Asad to COP Heider up on the Syrian border. I recall looking at them with immense jealousy, because I wished I could hang out with a dog all day.

My only other real experience with MP’s was when I got pulled over once on base, but it was totally my fault. There’s a stretch on MCBH Kaneohe Bay that goes into the base housing area, the speed limit is 25 MPH but it’s just one long straight away. Of course, I took a liberty with this and was doing something like 37 down the straightaway, not realizing there was an MP behind me. He pulled my dumb ass over and gave me a warning since it was my first offense, which I am grateful for since I obviously knew I was speeding.

In any case, I’m not one of those idiots that decries the police in a general sense. In my general experience, people that have a problem with police are people that often do stupid shit. Here’s an idea: maybe you wouldn’t have a problem with cops busting your shit if you didn’t do dumb shit worth busting you over.

“We live in a police state!”

No we don’t, you’re just a fucking ass.

There was a bit of commotion over a Marine Corps Times article regarding the age old debate of POG’s vs Grunts on Monday. The article presents the case that maybe POG’s shouldn’t be made fun of and called POG’s. Hilarity ensued online and across the Corps as people reacted in ways ranging from “who cares?” to “stop being a pussy.”

I am an 0351 by MOS but spent some significant time with Combat Camera during my 2nd deployment to Iraq. As someone who has been on both sides of the fence, I can confidently say that no one actually gives a shit that you’re a POG. Like really, no one does. However, it is a simple fact that POG’s actually generally do have it better than the average grunt. This isn’t really a matter of opinion, it’s just true. Smaller unit sizes, regular work hours, more time in the rear–all of these things add up to a generally less-miserable existence than anyone with an 03 moniker in their title.

They are truly two entirely different cultures; in fact, I would argue that there’s basically three different primary Marine Corps cultures that are largely segregated from each other:

  • Infantry
  • POGside
  • Air Wing

Technically the Wing is still POG, but because the day to day is still vastly different than the regular POGside, it is really its own thing. For clarification (and this seems to be confusing for some people), the definition of a “Grunt” is “infantry,” and you’re not infantry unless your MOS starts with “03.” It really is that simple. Being a POG isn’t a matter of opinion, it simply means that your MOS doesn’t start with “03.”

Semantics aside, something should be abundantly clear here: there’s nothing wrong with being a POG (Person Other-than Grunt). Seriously. No one cares. The only time it’s a problem is when they either get super butt hurt about grunts not respecting them (this article) or when they make vast claims that their job is worse or that being a POG makes them inherently smarter.

The Marine Corps is a big place and has a lot of different roles to fill. Whatever it is you do, just own it. You’re a POG? Be proud to be a POG! Some POG jobs are actually pretty cool. If yours is not, just admit it. For instance (totally random example), there is literally no part about being an 1171 Water Dog that is badass, so don’t try to spin it that way, just own the fact that your job is lame as shit and that you have a small penis.

Regardless of what I say here, the dichotomy of grunts and POGs is probably never going to go away. Marines are a proud people, and the infantry even prouder. If you’re a POG, don’t get so worked up over it. No one actually cares.

Today is Veteran’s Day and if you’re anything like me, you’re probably going to cash in on the free food being given out by various restaurants around the country. This year, moreso than the last couple of years, I’ve seen an increase in self-righteousness at the subject of getting freebies from these places.

“I don’t feel like I need anyone to thank me with free stuff,” they say.

Neither do I, but that doesn’t mean I’m not gonna stuff my fat face with free food. I’m not suggesting you all should be like Abe here and make entitled demands, but I’m certainly not going to feel bad about indulging in some gracious offerings when it is presented. I’ve never met a real Marine that turns down free food, and frankly I don’t want to. These are big companies throwing out a deal to get you to come in with your friends and ultimately still spend money. So if you’re a veteran, get out there and enjoy it–because why the fuck not?

At the very least, just make sure you tip your server.

Happy Veteran’s Day everyone.

Well it’s that time of year again. The time when you dust off your old Dress Blue jacket and realize you still have PFC rank on it from boot camp, so you try to rush it to the base tailor at the last minute where the angry Asian lady tells you it won’t be ready in time; so you harass your platoon mates and boots to see if anyone has an extra Dress Blue jacket that you can borrow… and maybe a pair of corframs too.

Okay so maybe all of that won’t happen, but I promise you it will for at least one of you reading this. Some of you have probably already had your birthday balls since they vary in time, but I’m guessing most of you will be going this weekend as the actual date of the Marine Corps’ 239th birthday approaches this Monday. This time of year is always extremely motivated, with the Marine Corps birthday and Veteran’s Day happening in direct sequence with one another.

I’m sure, in addition to busy taxis this weekend, doctor’s offices will be flooded on Wednesday with Staff NCO’s complaining of longstanding erections.

Anyway, I don’t have much else for you, other than have a fun time this weekend and be sure to post your best ball photos on the Terminal Lance Facebook Page. (You can always message or email them to me if you wish to remain anonymous.)

On a side note, I’m contemplating some changes to the site in the near future. It’s a bit too soon to really say anything about it, but more content could be coming… You’ll just have to stay tuned to find out what.

*On another random note, I just want to give a shout out to my old friend and squadmate Bill, who I borrowed this alphabet soup line from.

Oh yes he did. Your ass just got sent to Twentynine Palms. There isn’t any kind of mixup, no one made a mistake, you’re going to the desert and you’re going to like it.

This is essentially exactly how it went down for me when I was leaving SOI West. I’ve heard legends and tales about POG’s getting some kind of wishlist and being sent where they request to be stationed after MOS school, but as a grunt you get no such luxury. I’m not sure how true the wishlist is, but I can tell you with utmost certainty that no one asked me where I wanted to be stationed.

Luckily for me, in this story, I was the Assaultman going to Hawaii.

Our Mortarmen weren’t so lucky though, as they were sent to 2/7 (if I recall correctly) out in Satan’s Taint beautiful Twentynine Palms, California. It’s an undoubtedly undesirable fate, but one that many Marines are given. Hell, I only spent two Mojave Vipers there and I’d be happy never going back. I did actually return for a day a couple years back when my first book came out, but it certainly wasn’t something I would recommend to anyone not forced to go there.

Admittedly, the new PX is a lot nicer, as I have a documented weakness for Starbucks.

I thought about doing a strip today about the new Call of Duty: Advanced Warfare, but at the same time I haven’t actually played it yet. With all the media coverage surrounding the “Quick Time Event Funeral” scene in the game, it seemed like a ripe material for the making-fun-of. However, being the objective person I am, I figured I’d at least give it a shot before I shoot it down (huh?).

Though I’m admittedly swamped with working on The White Donkey, I might take some time later tonight to live broadcast the game on my Twitch channel if I decide to go pick it up. Maybe Friday’s strip will be reserved for making fun of the game after I actually play it.