First


Previous

RANDOM


Next


Latest

The Pandorussy

Written by

Maximilian

Let’s be realistic, Marines probably weren’t the best choice for this mission. When you ask people what is an authentic movie about the Marine Corps, many of them will say Full Metal Jacket or Jarhead. Me? I say James Cameron’s Avatar.

Avatar is the story of United States Infantry Marine veteran Jake Sully traveling to a moon of Jupiter and immediately engaging in coitus with the local flora and fauna. He finds the hottest alien of the tribe and has incredible, hot, sensual magic tree sex with her and takes over her entire tribe. I’ve never seen a filmmaker capture the espirit de Corps of Marines with such accuracy and respect.

Having just watched Avatar: The Way of Water in the theater, I thought it would be a good time to visit Pandora and take a look at the 2009 original again.

I’ll be honest: I really love this movie in an unironic way. I know people like to talk a lot of shit about it for its “derivative” story, but we all just sat through 29 Marvel movies with the exact same plot and characters, so I don’t think that’s a valid critique anymore.

I may post a full review of The Way of Water, but for now just know that I was blown away by it. It’s been so long since I’ve seen a big-budget blockbuster movie that made me actually feel anything. It was a much-needed breath of fresh air (or water?).

About the author

Maximilian

The creator of Terminal Lance. Infantry Marine turned Combat Artist turned animator turned bestselling author turned dad.

18 responses

  1. Aki

    This made me laugh way to much, I am wheezing xDD
    I found this website while researching about the marine corps and this is NOT what I expected xDDD
    (I am from Germany hi :D)

    Reply
  2. snuffy the fool

    Tbh my split opinion. Half the marines would want to bang them and live out a harem anime life collecting cat people . The other half would want to recreate starship troopers / war hammer 40k relations with xenos. I doubt there is a middle ground

    Reply
  3. John

    Does not take place on a moon near Jupiter. It takes place in the alpha Centauri system.

    Reply
  4. Mojrim

    I’d say “Boys in Company C.” This is a must-see for any of us and you’ll never look at “Full Metal Jacket” the same way again.

    Reply
  5. Pierre Savoie

    “No sex with the aliens.” Too damn right! An old-timer could tell you why: if you think gonorrhea is bad, you’ve never had cyano-gonorrhea…little micro-organisms that either consume cyanide, or that generate cyanide…in your body…causing tissue necrosis…

    Reply
  6. Anonymous Coward

    I don’t wanna be that guy, but who am I kidding, I am that guy. Although in real life there is a Jovian moon called Pandora, the (second, I guess?) Pandora in the movies is “a large moon of the planet Polyphemus, in the Alpha Centauri A system”.

    Reply
  7. izzy

    @snuffy the fool
    There is a middle ground. First have sex with the aliens, then burn their villages down. 😛

    Reply
  8. Vince P

    Reminds me of Whisper Alley on Oki. “Pst, put. GI. Ha, ha.

    Reply
  9. Al

    My favorite science fiction Marines are in Aliens. Bill Paxton may not have ever been in the Corps but he sure as shit nailed down about 70% of the guys I was in with and the butter bar was 100% accurate.

    Reply
  10. Mike

    Aside to Aki from Germany: Go to YouTube, type in POST “Frag Out”, laugh until you cry.

    Reply
  11. Anonymous Coward13

    It’s always some hot alien pice that’s gonna cause problems. Area 51 all over again.

    Reply
  12. SpaceDorf

    That is the most accurate review of both movies.

    also one word : Stormtroopers.

    Reply
  13. Uncle Touchy and the B Team Strippers

    @snuffy the fool Worse, there’s overlap.

    Reply
  14. Padraig Peterson

    Y’know who wouldn’t screw this up?

    Space Marines.

    Reply
  15. Glenn Hendricks

    I was a sailor in the 70s with frequent trips to the PI.

    Yes. All of this.

    + don’t have sex with the ugly ones.

    Reply
  16. Ernest Ondrias

    Hey Vince!! Just curious if your not referring to what we knew as “Honk Alley” in the 60’s, in Naha…

    Reply
  17. Shane Wegner

    So, we’re in Navy boot camp. Maybe only a week until final test and pretty much all recruits going to wash out already have. Remaining recruits are approaching something tolerable as future Sailors. Plus it’s the weekend, and so added together a tiny hair’s breadth of tolerance has been granted. We’re done with everything on the Plan of the Day ahead of schedule, (another tiny point in our favor), but there’s still a little time left before we could be authorized to rack out, so Chief (Chief Steel Worker, a Seabee) tells everyone just to grab their boots and polish because we’re going to run out the clock being vaguely productive. So we’re sitting by our racks polishing and some chatting was allowed.

    SOMEhow the topic of military spouses and our brother Marines came up, Someone mentioned that they’d noticed a lot of Marines they know have girlfriends or spouses or are just like, really TALL. Out of nowhere, Chief comments: “I’ve noticed that too. I think they like the challenge, maybe it reminds them of storming Iwo Jima.” That was going on fifteen years ago, but it stuck with me whenever the situation came up. Of course that quote came back to me at every joint service event where a Marine happened to have a taller lady in their lives.

    So yes, I can see ten foot tall, athletic blue Na’vi women striking a particular chord with Marines.

    Reply
  18. Michael G

    Jar head clan! Yup that’s about right, nailed it! Semper Fi

    Reply

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

From the archives