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Best of the Worst


The existence of a Lance Corporal in the Marine Corps is pain. You spend all day, every day just trying to avoid getting yelled at and shit on in every direction. Among the reasons for your severe depression are the various institutional roadblocks you’ll come across from time to time.

The front desk POG at IPAC (where you need to go to handle all your paperwork, records, etc) is almost always too busy and annoyed to care about what’s going on with your shit. The SODEXO employees are damn-near trying to kill you with salmonella. The armory custodians make nearly every day twice as long as it needs to be with their insane standards of rifle cleanliness… And finally there’s CIF (now called IIF), who can essentially stop-loss you on the spot if they feel like your flak has one too many stains on it.

How can you pick just one?

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Infantry Marine turned Combat Artist turned animator turned bestselling author turned dad.

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  1. My vote is for the CIF guys. Why? At the armory you can start cleaning right there and you’re on working hours. I honestly never had an issue at IPAC. For the sodexo people, their a pain but they feed you and if they make you sick you get out of work. A plus. CIF tells you to clean again, then you have to go home, clean it, inspect it (all on your own time) and try again. CIF was the worst

  2. I go with CIF.

    – You can sweet talk and hit on the IPAC girl; hell you might even get a date out of it.
    – As Fight Club taught me, don’t f*** with the people that handle your food.
    – The Armory custodian just inconveniences you when you know you half-assed cleaning your rifle anyway.
    – The CIF guy… They’ll nickel and dime you for obscure shit you maybe saw maybe once in your career. Nothing will piss you off more at your EOS check out than having surprise pay for a $300 piece of gear you were issued on paper but never physically…. and they shake you down then and there like a loan shark.

  3. I had to once check out an Army ROTC cadet from the post for his post-advanced camp assignment and the CIF people wouldn’t accept his turn in stuff. I looked them dead in the eye and said that this guy was wasn’t subject to UCMJ, and I would tell him just to drop his gear on the floor and walk away because he could.
    They told me to plop the stuff on the desk, the cadet signed the receipt and that was that.
    I took the cadet to the airport but bought him a good lunch because he provided me what I knew would be my best CIF story ever.

  4. I was missing an item, and CIF hooked me up. Apparently they had an extra, so I can’t vote for CIF.
    Sodexo, got food poisoning but got off work, so eh. Armory would get second place, but IPAC… nothing more frustrating having a junior Marine tell you that you’re in the wrong place when you weren’t.

  5. I absolutely hated the process of getting a missing gear statement approved by your command so my pick is the CIF employee.

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