As a career Marine, I’ve been accused of ruining movies with my critical remarks concerning poor dispersion, questionable weapons handling, and awful close quarters hand to hand combat slap fighting. Though I enjoy Star Wars as much as the next nerd, I can’t help but notice it may be the worst at portraying a space military than any other science fiction franchise.
By far my biggest grievance is with the Stormtroopers themselves. How in the galaxy are space commandos, indoctrinated since childhood, unable to get in step when marching around the damn place? I’m disappointed to see an army of galactic sturmtruppen move and shoot like a bunch of noobs at a paintball park. If I were the Galactic SgtMaj I’d so be force choking some of these clowns. Could the filmmakers at least trick us into believing the Empire has something resembling military discipline within its ranks?
And what good is Stormtrooper war gear anyway? Even I’m equipped with a mask that will protect against field concentrations of chem/bio agents, toxins, and radioactive fallout. Stormtrooper masks only filter smoke, what? Let’s not even start on their body armor’s inability to protect them from a stiff breeze. Your average Marine could take out a platoon of Stormtroopers armed solely with a mouthful of harsh language. Considering they can’t make a better Death Star, I suppose this really shouldn’t be surprising.
Where in galactic space are the senior enlisted leaders? It’s like the rank structure leaps from NCO directly to officer. No wonder they are losing to the rebels.
You just know somewhere in the guts of a Star Destroyer is a space Gunny chewing out a Stormtrooper because his kit hasn’t been polished white enough.
“Your greaves look like you you’ve been patrolling on a planet of dog shit!”
At one point in the Rogue One trailer the rebels appear to be infiltrating an Imperial facility. Diego Luna’s character, Cassian Andor, is wearing an Imperial uniform while looking like he hasn’t shaved his grill in a month. Could you imagine the reaction of a SgtMaj if an officer was walking around with a beard like that? That’s a scene I’d like to see.
“Sir, your face looks like a Wookie wiped his ass with it! You need to hygiene yourself at warp speed or I might have to blow you out an airlock before Darth Vader sees you.”
Forest Whitaker’s character Saw Gererra admonishes our heroes to: “Save the Rebellion. Save the dream.” I want to see a Stormtrooper 1stSgt in there giving a liberty brief saying: “Crush the Rebellion. Stack Rebels.”
This is what happens without the guidance of a senior enlisted advisor, in space.
Want to write for Terminal Lance? Email Max with something funny.