Maximilian

Creator


Terminal Lance “The Curse of the Dependapotamus: Gay Marriage”

June 26, 2015

A historic and landmark Supreme Court decision was made this morning regarding the legalization of same sex marriage across the country. In case you haven’t heard, same sex marriage is now legally recognized across the land! Rainbow flags rejoice!

Don’t worry though, the Curse of the Dependapotamus cares not whether you are gay or straight. It starts the same. You marry young, in love (or just a convenient way for both of you to improve your living standards), you get to move out of the barracks and have awesome sex every night while your friends are field daying. It almost seems to good to be true, until the Curse starts to creep in. Your spouse starts gaining weight rapidly, and they’re upset because they think you don’t find them attractive anymore. They buy a puppy, but they’ve never had a dog before and they really have no idea what they’re doing, but that doesn’t stop them. The dog is shitty, untrained, pisses on everything and barks at everyone. The next thing you know, you’re coming home to a house smelling of animal excrement and suddenly there’s a child–then another–and maybe even a third. You max out your credit cards trying to keep your life afloat, only to find that your spouse has been having an illustrious affair with your POG neighbor the entire time you were deployed.

Somehow, this will even happen to gay Marines.

Surprisingly (or not at all surprisingly), the military and specifically the Marine Corps have been extremely progressive in their handling of same-sex affairs. Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell was repealed a few years back, and everyone knew it was already gay anyway. This NCIS poster alone should give you an indication that the military has been more progressive than the average civilian populace over the last few years.

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On the other subject of the Dependapotamus, the Military Times recently did a piece about the subject of “Dependa Abuse.” I was interviewed for the article and I stand by everything I said. Obviously, I write and draw comics that are meant to get a laugh. This is not abuse, and I’m not going to stop any time soon. It’s one thing to make a joke out into the void, it’s another thing to seek people out and spout vitriol to them on Facebook or otherwise. Don’t be an asshole.

Additionally, I defend all of my Dependapotamus work simply because I make comics based on observational humor. I didn’t invent the Dependapotamus, it is a creature that exists in all of its profane glory whether I am here or not. We have all seen it, repeatedly, which is why it is funny. It is truly unfortunate that good spouses get dragged through the mud because of some unsavory wives, but every Marine in the Corps has seen it, and you would be lying if you said you hadn’t. I make generalizations out of observation, it is the nature of what I do. The marriage system in the military is ultimately flawed, by encouraging young people to get married before they even know themselves with generous incentives.

Anyone that thinks gay marriage ruins the sanctity of marriage has never seen a Marine contract marry a stripper for BAH.

In the end, of course my Dependapotamus jokes don’t apply to every military wife. That’s not the point.