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Terminal Lance ‘Happy Valentine’s Day 2015’


And they lived happily ever after… For a few months, then he went on deployment so she started shooting low-budget Craigslist pornos out of his house and then left him for another Marine while taking all of his money.

The whole Dependapotamus thing is a weird and common phenomenon in the military. I personally think it’s driven mostly by the ludicrously generous system in which the military will essentially pay you exponentially more money in the form of BAH (Base Allowance for Housing) if you happen to drag a woman along with you. It’s kind of strange, I can’t think of any other job where you’re literally paid to be married.

Let’s be real though, being married in the military is a lot better than being single. You get to move out of the barracks–avoiding field day and general fuckery; you also get a lot more money added on to your paycheck if you choose to live off base (especially in expensive areas like Hawaii, where an E-1 with dependents can net a whopping $2922/month). These benefits unfortunately lead to Marines getting married at unreasonably young ages, before they’ve even figured themselves out at the age of 19 or 20. Most of the people I know who got married while active duty are now divorced a few years post-EAS.

But hey, that’s not to say that every military wife is a morbidly obese money-sponge out for the bennies. To their credit, the wives that do care go through a lot of stress in the whole situation–constantly moving around to different bases, worrying about you while you’re deployed, often raising children without the physical support of a husband. I want to make it clear that these are not the wives I am making fun of here.

But I must digress, Valentine’s Day is tomorrow! There’s never been a better time to ask that stripper you just met to be yours for the rest of your lives. To help you in your endeavors this weekend, I’ve created some Valentine’s Day cards for you! Feel free to print them out and use them!


Infantry Marine turned Combat Artist turned animator turned bestselling author turned dad.

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