Author: Maximilian

I’m not sure what I was expecting with Hideo Kojima’s latest game, Death Stranding… But I certainly wasn’t expecting it to be the most realistic depiction of Marine Corps infantry life I’ve ever seen to date.

You play as this guy named Sam (played by Norman Reedus), who is tasked with hiking all over America carrying a giant, heavy pack; you drink literally nothing but Monster Energy; you have to take care of another man’s baby the entire time, and you’re haunted by the ghosts of the dead. If this isn’t the most Marine Corps infantry shit ever made, I don’t know what is.

Kojima has done it again.

In all seriousness, I’m kind of obsessed with this game right now, if you couldn’t tell. Those of you that have followed TL for a long time know that I’m a big Metal Gear Solid fan, and even did a 10-part Terminal Lance/MGS crossover series you can read here. With Kojima ousted from Konami, I knew that unleashing him upon the world could yield… Odd results… If nothing else. From the trailers, it was impossible to tell if Death Stranding was actually going to be good, or just really fucking weird.

I am happy to say that there’s just something about this game that makes it kind of amazing. To me, the management of the minutiae of your comfort and survival is more “infantry” than say something like Call of Duty. While the latter will focus on the intense, cinematic firefights of military action, those realistically only make up about .0001% of your time in the Marine Corps, if at all.

It’s weird to say that Death Stranding is somehow more “real,” given that its story exists in an incredibly odd science fiction setting, that is equally as brilliant as it is confusing. However, what the game does do is force you to think through every single step, feel the weight of this insane cargo on your back, change your boots, tactically distribute weight so you’re well-balanced, stay hydrated, take a piss, etc. These are actually the things that make up life as an infantryman, and somehow this fucking strange game about an unborn baby guiding you through a ghost-filled post-apocalyptic America has got it right on.

I give Death Stranding 10 Monster Energies out of 10.

Change your socks.

This weekend, the Marine Corps will celebrate its 244th birthday. It is the Corps’ holiest of holidays, where Staff NCO’s, Commissioned Officers, NCO’s and Lance Corporals alike will drink, eat cake, and drunkenly dance to embarrassment. All of the wives and most obscure uniform items will come out to play–from mess dress blues, to NCO swords, to funny hats and maybe even a wondrous boatcloak.

On that note, I have a serious bone to pick with my Marine Corps experience… Why did I never see a single boatcloak during my entire enlistment? This one uniform item has the potential to drop panties and feed boners unmatched by any other, and yet none of my Staff NCO’s or officers decided to spend the extra $650 on it.

Why not?

I mean, most of them already had the $1300 “Evening Dress” coat, you’re telling me you couldn’t spring the extra $650 to look like a total baller in front of all your Marines? Hell, I probably would have reenlisted if I ever saw someone so majestic at any of my Marine Corps Birthday balls. Rock that shit.

Happy 244th Birthday, Marines.

The Career Jammer (as he’s affectionately known, colloquially) is a close relative of the Recruiter. Both Marines are specially trained in their fields of deceiving people, perhaps even so much that they believe the lies themselves. While the Recruiter specializes in prowling for underage and underprivileged children, the Career Planner preys on young Corporals coming up on their looming EAS dates.

Retention goals abound, they are tasked with convincing the next generation of young men and women that they should enlist yet another four years of their lives in the service of Uncle Sam’s Misguided Children.

They will tell you that, with your newfound NCO status, you’ll be treated with respect this time. You can choose where you want to go. Like a desperate, abusive partner, they’ll tell you the second time will be better. They promise.

Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice…

…Consider me a clown.

The Career Planner is a weird guy. He’s like a recruiter, except instead of luring high school students to Applebee’s, he preys on already-enlisted Marines. Each Marine he re-enlists is another notch on his belt, feasting off of the legendary power of DD-214’s that were never to be, and youth lost to the Corps.

Don’t fall for his ruse, for it is… a ruse.

There are few reenlistment incentives that can match the holy power of the Post 9/11 GI Bill. The career planner knows this, so he will try to trick you with bonuses and promises of a better future, perhaps even select items of your choosing. The second term is better, he says, you’ll be treated with more respect.

You must resist, for this deal can not be undone. A second enlistment leads to a third, and then a fourth, and next thing you know, you’re at the PX eyeing that mess dress uniform and justifying its $1300 cost.

There is no justification.

…It’s all a ruse.

Charge as hard as you want, the infantry experience will always catch up to you sooner or later. It turns out that spending four years avoiding medical and destroying your body, either through a point of personal pride or through peer pressure, turns your knees and back into a ragged wreck beyond your young years. Combine this with excessive alcohol abuse and you end up with the body and liver of a seventy-year old at the age of 22.

Don’t worry, when you get out, at least you will have the love and care of the VA healthcare system to keep you going. lmao

In case you missed it, yesterday a prior-service Marine came forward with some pretty steamy accusations about Elizabeth Warren. Joined by career disappointment Jacob Wohl, ex-machine gunner with 1st Bn, 3rd Marines Kelvin Whelly claimed that he had multiple sessions of BDSM debauchery with the senator, some of it even involving a green dildo. The whole event was laughably insane, equal parts funny and bullshit. Immediately, Whelly’s service record came into question, as he claimed in front of a national audience that he was wounded in Afghanistan in 2012.

I wouldn’t normally consider a Marine having sex with anything to be “news”, but I was so intrigued by this incredible shitshow, I did some Lance Corporal Underground sleuthing of my own. I normally try to steer away from anything overtly political, but when an infantry Marine (0331) comes forward, very publicly, with salacious and hilarious allegations about a sitting senator, I consider it well within my jurisdiction to make fun of it. I’m not one for the whole stolen valor thing either, but this absolute fuckery is so insane and stupid that I couldn’t look away.

Multiple Marines have come forward to me with Whelly’s actual Marine Corps story, which I got into over the last couple of days on my Twitter feed. I’ll summarize it here:

Whelly being a machine gunner with 1st Bn, 3rd Marines out of Hawaii is true. However, that is essentially where the truth ends. Whelly never deployed to Afghanistan in 2012. In fact, he enlisted in 2014 and got kicked out before his 2 year mark. At some point, he apparently stole an RMR off of a 240 and tried to sell it to another Marine, where he was caught and sent to an 0311 platoon because the machine gunners all hated him. The closest thing to a deployment that he did was go to Okinawa, where he was sent home after a few weeks because his wife left him. There’s also some bits about him being incredibly un-hygienic and requiring supervision to bathe.

It’s actually kind of a sad tale, to be honest. However, standing in front of a crowd and flagrantly lying about your Marine Corps service when it’s so easily disproven is a whole other level of gall that I’m not sure I understand.

If nothing else, Elizabeth Warren is about to get a whole lot of birthday ball invites.

Check out the whole story on my Twitter here:

LCPL Underground provides. I dunno about that last part though…

3/3 > 1/3 🤙 pic.twitter.com/w6lfmlJQKS

— Maximilian Uriarte (@TLCplMax) October 4, 2019

Haircuts and Marines… Name a more iconic duo. I hope you’ve cleared your weekend of any plans, because you’re about to spend at least 4 hours of your Sunday at the PX waiting for your weekly $7 head-scraping. Dare to show up Monday morning without a fresh ‘do and see how far you get before Staff Sergeant loses his damn mind.

I dare you.

Haircuts are as much a part of Marine culture as camouflage and dependents, but for whatever reason it seems to be one of those understated parts of the enlistment that you don’t really think about when you sign up. It’s also something that Marine bases are oddly underprepared for.

Literally the entire Marine Corps knows that 93% of the population needs to get a fresh haircut for Monday, yet each base stocks maybe 4 civilian barbers on any given Sunday to rake in those $2 tips.

In all seriousness, since it’s such a huge part of the culture, it should really just be an MOS. There’s already a dedicated Mexican in every barracks that can do a fade, just send him to beauty school already and put him in a squad bay with 40 other barbers each Sunday to glow-up the whole base.

It would take like 45 minutes tops.

CLAP THEM CHEEKS!

This is among the many catchy slogans being chanted outside of the top secret Air Force base in Nevada today, otherwise known as Area 51. Today marks the big day, where memelords and internet dwellers of all stripes gather to see them aliens and to clap them alien cheeks.

Protesters outside #Area51 are chanting "clap them cheeks" at 5 AM local time.

I don't know what to make of this. https://t.co/Qn5o4rZtxy

— Joel Franco (@OfficialJoelF) September 20, 2019

We all know that something is hidden in the secretive facility, one can only guess it must involve succulent alien cheeks. Weirdly enough, this isn’t the only alien-military news to come out into the light this week. The US Navy yesterday confirmed that the UFO footage released last year is indeed real, and probably shouldn’t have been released.

Perhaps the UFO’s in the sky are just the drunk, internet-fueled millennial aliens storming earth to clap some human cheeks.

The truth is out there.

Something that most civilians probably don’t know about the Marine Corps (and military at large) is that there is an unexpectedly large population of nerds and weaboos among the ranks. Anime posters, waifu body pillows, furry suits, video game collections, and other nerd paraphernalia are common sights in the barracks. In an organization where you’d expect to find nothing but the jocks and star athletes from high school, there is clearly something about the military lifestyle that attracts the misfits and the overlooked as well.

Perhaps there’s something to be said about succeeding in a space where no one would expect you to. Maybe there’s something about an organization known for its phenomenal ability to end human lives abroad attracts more interesting characters than you’d expect.

Whatever it is, you’ll find no shortage of the weebs, geeks, nerds and everything else across the ranks. For every typical drunken barracks brawl going on over the weekend, there’s likely a Mario Kart tournament or an Evangelion binge across the way.

Whatever you love to do, stay true to yourself. And remember… Your waifu is shit.

More than ever before, boots have a plethora of resources available to them to avoid the pitfalls of everyday boot existence. No longer do you have to wear horrible Moto shirts tucked into your mom jeans and web belt, because places like Terminal Lance and countless others have spent years highlighting what a fucking boot looks like.

However, some fall through the cracks. This is due to a number of reasons, most likely a failure of senior Lance Corporal leadership to teach them right from boot. If one of your Marines has posted a cringy Tik Tok video, there are a number of MCCS resources available. Check with your local Single Marine Program office for ways that your boot can stop being such a fucking boot.

Senior Lance Corporals, its up to you to set the example to your boot Marines.

Don’t let your Marines get high and tights, wear backpacks out in town, wear exposed dog tags, mom jeans or boots in civilian attire.

Lastly, and importantly… Don’t let your boots make Tik Tok videos.