The existence of a Lance Corporal in the Marine Corps is pain. You spend all day, every day just trying to avoid getting yelled at and shit on in every direction. Among the reasons for your severe depression are the various institutional roadblocks you’ll come across from time to time.
The front desk POG at IPAC (where you need to go to handle all your paperwork, records, etc) is almost always too busy and annoyed to care about what’s going on with your shit. The SODEXO employees are damn-near trying to kill you with salmonella. The armory custodians make nearly every day twice as long as it needs to be with their insane standards of rifle cleanliness… And finally there’s CIF (now called IIF), who can essentially stop-loss you on the spot if they feel like your flak has one too many stains on it.
How can you pick just one?
In other news, there’s some fun new stuff planned for TL that I’m hoping to launch soon, but we also have a lot of fun going on over at the official TL Discord. Think of this as the official “group chat” of Terminal Lance. Come by, hang out, say hi. Link below:
If you’re anything like me, you love some Gran Turismo. Not to date myself, but I’ve been playing the game since the PS1 days. I swore to my dad that if you squinted hard enough, the replays on Gran Turismo 2 looked real. Here we are 25 years later with Gran Turismo 7, Polyphony Digital’s latest in the long-running flagship series, now on the PlayStation 5.
I feel like I don’t really need to describe what Gran Turismo 7 is, because you surely already know. It is a game where you race cars against other cars on tracks. As such, Gran Turismo 7 is equal parts incredible and incredibly frustrating.
Back in the 90’s, there weren’t many realistic racing games, and Gran Turismo had little competition. It’s 2022 however, and the years in between have seen the rise of games like Forza make incredible quality of life improvements to the genre. GT7 is an impressive technical marvel on the track, with cars that look, sound, and feel more real than ever before. However, the game stumbles over itself by hiding the meat behind an incredibly cumbersome series of menus and talking heads.
Yes, talking heads. You spend way more time than anyone should have to getting talked to by a series of stock photo characters that lecture you on cars and car history. This isn’t optional either, it’s all part of the game’s incredibly strange “career” mode. The career mode of GT7 is handled through the Cafe, where you get menu books that tell you to go do a race, which unlocks that track/race etc. I wish I was making this up, but I’m not.
Somewhere along the line, the creator of the game though that lecturing the player about cars was more interesting than just letting the player play the game and build a virtual racing career. I’m not sure how detached from reality you have to be to think this is what people want, but the same game also forces you to sit through an 8 minute long montage scene about cars.
I had a lot of fun with Gran Turismo 7, even suffering through the incredibly generic conversations I was being forced to have with Luca.
go away Luca
It’s frustrating that this is how the game is set up, because the core driving mechanics are incredible. Every car feels real, the DualSense controller lets you feel every bump in the road, and the graphics are second to none. Why they felt the need to hide all of this behind layers of inane nonsense is beyond me.
Gran Turismo 7 chooses to take a different approach to being a racing game (as discussed above). It took me a while to wrap my head around, but I believe the intent behind GT7 is to be less of a game about racing and more of a game about cars and car culture. You load up the game, pick a car from your garage, and then take it on the track. I found myself spending a lot of time just doing time trials on real courses like Laguna Seca or Willow Springs rather than actually racing, which is exactly what you’d be doing in real life.
When I’m not having my own track day, I would load up Sport mode, which is essentially the same as it was in GT Sport (PS4). Sport Mode is a selection of prescribed daily races that you enroll in and compete with other real life players around the world. There are restrictions on car type and customizations in order to standardize the race for all players. Sport mode can be as frustrating as it is fun, with a very cumbersome penalty system that unscrupulous players can (and do) take advantage of to knock you off the track and force you to take a time penalty.
Despite these flaws, I found myself really drawn to Sport mode a lot. There’s something about the loop of qualifying time trials, racing, and repeating, that kept me hooked for hours at a time.
Of course, if you want something more free-form, there are traditional player-hosted lobbies you can hop into and drive around in.
Overall, GT7 is a strange game that made some strange choices, but it’s a good one. It has the vibe of a “dad game” that you boot up and just hang out in. In the end, I do wish it it had a more traditional career mode ala previous Gran Turismo games; but if you enjoy cars, you’ll enjoy your time with Gran Turismo 7.
It’s basically impossible to talk about Elden Ring in a vacuum. The game is not officially part of the Souls series from the same creator, but it is the same tried and true formula (including some very familiar art and sound direction). If you’ve played any of the following games beforehand:
Demon’s Souls
Dark Souls
Dark Souls 2
Bloodborne
Dark Souls 3
Sekiro
…You’re going to feel very comfortable starting up Elden Ring.
Where Elden Ring surprises and exceeds expectations is in its sprawling open-world design. Not since 2017’s The Legend of Zelda: Breath of the Wild have I felt so immersed and transported into an open world. Like Zelda, Elden Ring doesn’t hold your hand when it tosses you into the Lands Between. You are dropped into the dark fantasy world, given a basic rundown of your moveset, and given the keys to the kingdom to go anywhere you please. There’s an undeniable and rewarding sense of discovery and awe as you traverse the vast landscape on your mystical mount, finding little pockets of story and adventure around every corner.
As I said before, it’s impossible to talk about Elden Ring on its own, because the game borrows so much from so many other games. Obviously, the previous Miyazaki/FromSoftware titles, but also nearly as much from Zelda and Dragon’s Dogma. It’s the blend of genres and ideas, filtered through the good taste and eye of its director, that make Elden Ring an experience of its own that is hard to put down.
Combat in Elden Ring is essentially the same as any Dark Souls game, with the main difference being the new Ashes of War system (weapon arts), that allow you to imbue essentially any weapon with powerful skills featuring distinct animations and effects. It adds another layer to the formula that makes it unique enough to feel fresh.
I will admit that the boss selection in Elden Ring was not my favorite. The highs of Dark Souls and Bloodborne are hard to top, but there are some memorable encounters that will certainly test your skill (and your sanity).
These games have a reputation for their difficulty, but I never felt like being difficult was the point. Like the titles before it, Elden Ring is a game that refuses to help the player. It presents itself to you as it is, gives you the tools you need to succeed, but requires that you rise to the challenge. There’s no difficulty slider here, you either win or you lose and try again.
As far as art direction and lore goes, the game was heavily advertised as a creation of George RR Martin. I wasn’t particularly excited about this aspect, because I felt like Miyazaki didn’t need George RR Martin to make something interesting. As such, I actually found Elden Ring’s world to feel more generic high-fantasy than Dark Souls or Bloodborne, but it wasn’t necessarily a bad thing. I think the open world environment demanded a more sprawling idea. You can go deep if you want into item descriptions and background, but the game doesn’t require you to. (I still barely understand half of it)
As a huge fan of FromSoftware’s selection of games mentioned above, I really enjoyed the 130 hours I put into my first play-through of Elden Ring (pure STR build, Greataxe). After I finished the game, I found that the open world was the game’s greatest strength and also its greatest weakness when compared to the other titles. It’s easy to jump into a second round of the tightly-woven Dark Souls 3, but I have yet to have any desire to do another run of Elden Ring. The sense of discovery and wonderment as the sprawling map opens up to you is part of the experience, and without it, the game loses a lot.
With all that said, I found the game to be an impressive feat of both technology and gameplay. I played the game natively on PS5, where load-times were diminished to fleeting moments (only when fast-traveling). It’s truly a masterpiece in many ways, and one that will keep you hooked from start to finish.
Chongo makes his return (7 years later!) to illustrate the simple standards of Marine Corps leadership. Does a Marine need to be smart and/or a decent person to be a leader? No, not as long as he can shoot good, run fast, and take apart weapons and put them back together again real quick.
Chongo get haircut every weekend. Chongo yell at new employees. Chongo strong, does many pull-ups. Chongo marry stripper.
Chongo would be the perfect Marine (if he weren’t an employee at a Fortune 500 company).
Everyone in the Corps has some kind of experience on the rifle range. Marines qual upon enlisting during boot camp, and then maintain their qualifications annually. (If you’re infantry, you’re probably shooting a lot more than that.)
One thing that never changes for everyone, regardless of MOS or rank, is that person in the tower (or kart depending on the range) that officiates the range activities. As an average Lance Corporal, I never really knew where this guy came from. Was he in our unit? Did he work there permanently? He sounds the same at every range; does he follow me from rifle range to rifle range? I still don’t really know the answers to any of these questions, but I do know that this dude loves the word “targets.”
SHOOTERS, YOU MAY COMMENCE FIRING WHEN YOUR TARRRRRRRRGETS APPEAR!
CEEEEEEEEEASE FIRE, CEASE FIRE, UNLOAD, SHOW CLEAR
These phrases are burned into my memory like my hot brass burnt into my buddy’s neck on Tables 3 & 4.
In case you have been out in the field for the last week and/or prefer to only get your news from incredibly good-looking, well-endowed artists, I need to inform you that the Queen of the United Kingdom died a couple days ago. Queen Elizabeth II has served as the reigning monarch of the United Kingdom for 70 years, and even did a stint in the UK military during WWII (doing POG stuff, but still).
I know people have… Opinions… On the Queen, royal family, the British, etc., but I don’t need to get into any of that. Having been married to a British woman for the last 5 years, I admittedly have a soft spot for London and the UK. For my own part, I never thought much about the royal family at all prior to meeting my wife. However, having been to London on numerous occasions, seeing Buckingham Palace with my own eyes, and even getting a behind-the-scenes look at the King’s Guard horse stables (courtesy of a fan in the British Army), I probably have a more personal appreciation for our friends across the pond than most Americans.
The UK is a beautiful country. As someone born and raised in the American west–the frontier–I’m always awe-struck at the weight of lineage and history on display in London and across England whenever I visit.
Maximilian Uriarte at Buckingham Palace (2019)
I am, by all accounts, a dedicated and fiercely loyal American. I unironically love and believe in America more than most people probably realize, and I continue to live happily in the American west (California). With that said, this week, my heart goes out to my British friends.
God Save the King.
On a personal note, I apologize for the lack of new comics lately. I just did a house move during the hottest Labor Day weekend on record in southern California. I probably lost about 20 lbs hauling heavy shit up and down stairs in 100 degree heat over the last week. On top of this, I’ve kind of just been in a personal funk, to be honest. Without going into too much detail, it’s been a hard year for me in a few different areas and I’m trying to pull myself out of it. With a 16 month old baby, I kind of reclused a lot and just focused on him.
I don’t really get personal on here anymore like I used to. In some ways this is better and allows me to stay focused on humor and on-brand, but I do sometimes feel like I’ve lost that personal connection with the audience that I used to have. In any case, I’m back up and running here and am looking forward to getting things rolling again.
Nothing turns friend into foe more readily than being handed pugil sticks and an ugly helmet. These stupid toys turn the tightest of bros into the loosest of acquaintances; lovers into fighters; roommates into roomenemies.
Pugil sticks are one of those terrible things that your CO will bust out of the police shed once in a blue moon so that he can laugh and watch you all beat the shit out of each other. It’s one of those things that makes for a “fun” morning PT instead of the usual laps around the base, but still ends up being miserable for pretty much everyone while also incredibly entertaining for the riotous crowd of blood-thirsty Marines watching violence in front of them.
Overall, a great time for all (except when you get the shit beat out of you with a big Q-tip like I did).
In the Marine Corps, you live, eat, sleep and operate as a team. Often times, this means getting punished as a team as well. To the detriment of, well, everyone, group-punishment is a very common (and explicitly taught) leadership tactic in the Marine Corps. The idea is that if you make everyone pissed off, they’ll “encourage” their team mate do better and reduce their fuck-up ratio.
Whether this works or not is a whole other story, but that’s the idea at least.
Unfortunately for, well, everyone, it means that you’re going to end up doing some stupid shit for something you probably didn’t even know happened. My entire platoon once got liberty cancelled on a weekend because one Marine got a DUI out in town. I had no idea this had happened. I was at home. It had nothing to do with me. He wasn’t even in my team or section.
Ah, finally a movie about a love story as old as time: a Marine Lance Corporal marries a girl in Oceanside for the money and benefits. Finally, a movie that speaks to me and my people.
Purple Hearts is a Netflix original that tells the story of a young waitress and aspiring musician, named Cassie, who desperately needs health insurance (because of her diabetes). A young Marine Lance Corporal named Luke owes a drug dealer some money (or something), so the two form a perfect arrangement with each other for the extra cash and Tricare bennies.
This could be the perfect plot of a solid military romantic comedy, but instead unfolds far too seriously as a romantic drama. Anyone with practically any experience around Marines knows that “contract marriages” are a dime a dozen, and the seriousness with which they treat their predicament is laughably silly. In an early scene, the two unrequited lovers sit at a diner and discuss, in utmost secret, how everyone will be watching them, and they need to be incredibly careful. You’d think they were plotting to commit a murder instead of entering a sham marriage.
(This is likely due to the official Marine Corps involvement with the film, as many scenes were filmed at Camp Pendleton. When productions opt for official military support, the script needs to be reviewed by the entertainment liaison. Essentially, it needs to be approved. The entertainment liaison will likely say something like, “yes the plot is fine and you can film here, but he needs to be court-marshaled in the story for it to be approved.”)
The positive: Any Marine watching this film will find countless things to nitpick (like the guy’s fucking haircut throughout the entire movie), and while there’s a ton of cringe moments, it isn’t the worst movie ever. Maybe I’m just desperately craving films that aren’t over-produced $200 million blockbusters, but for what it’s worth, the original music in the movie is actually pretty solid and at least it’s original. It’s also worth noting that it’s one of few movies that actually attempts to understand Marine Corps life outside of combat, and it was filmed on-location at Camp Pendleton and Oceanside.
(I still hold that the film would have been a perfect romantic comedy rather than a drama)
Purple Hearts is currently the #1 movie on Netflix (as of writing). If I had to guess as to why it blew up, I would say it’s probably because the amount of women in the United States and abroad that have had illustrious and stupid flings with infantry Marines over the years adds up to potentially billions of people.
(Please note, this infographic could also apply to Marine Corps Air Station Yuma as well)
Twentynine Palms is as ubiquitous throughout the Corps as it is miserable. Most Marines will find themselves there at some point, whether they’re stationed there or not. Many Marines pass through and spend a nice vacation at Camp Wilson during any one of the major training exercises aboard the California base. During both of my workups for Iraq, my battalion spent a month living in the quonset huts of Camp Wilson and generally hating everything about it.
Though some Marines swear by its “good training,” Twentynine Palms is truly a punishment of sorts in terms of places to get stationed. It’s in California, the most beautiful and geographically diverse state in the country, but it’s in the middle of the desert, hours away from anything worth seeing. Contrast this to Camp Pendleton, just a couple of hours drive away, which sits on some of the most prime beach real estate in the nation in between San Diego and Los Angeles.
I suppose if desert meth heads are your thing, you may get more mileage out of it.
