Maximilian

Creator




Cruise Control

June 5, 2022

Tom Cruise has done wonders in the field of military recruiting and awakening the latent homosexuality of young men everywhere with the release of Top Gun back in 1986. 35 years later, he’s done it again with the release of Top Gun: Maverick, currently sweeping the box office by storm across the globe. Tom Cruise has single-handedly recruited more hopeful pilots and naive POG’s into the US military at-large than even the the most distinguished of recruiters.

It’s only fitting that, combined with his three divorces and questionable sexual orientation, we bestow Tom Cruise with the honor of commissary privileges and GI Bill benefits. Now maybe Mr. Cruise can finally finish that Associate’s Degree he’s been working on at AMU while living off that sweet LA county BAH.

Congratulations, Mr. Cruise, and welcome aboard.