Terminal Lance #530 “You’re a Mean One III”

I found myself in yet another familiar predicament today when I woke up to a bunch of panicky emails from distressed Lance Corporals asking me to remove a video they had sent to me under the threat of non-judicial punishment. Keep in mind, the military operates on non-judicial punishment and not judicial punishment because the latter would require actual due process and, like, rights and stuff. By keeping things non-judicial, the military reserves the right to fuck you over for basically any reason they want.

What I find most despicable about this is the idea that some scared 19 year olds need to reach out to me instead of just the Staff NCO threatening to ruin their careers. I find myself to be quite a reasonable guy. If some SgtMaj of some battalion sent me an email saying something like:

Hey dude, I know this is stupid but I have douchebags breathing down my neck about (VIDEO), can you please take it down? My Marines are idiots. Thanks. With love, SGTMAJ Schmuckatelli

I’d more than likely not give two fucks about taking down some video with this kind of candor and honesty. Instead, I get something like this:

Because I am so disgusted at the fact that some poor LCPL’s have to plead with me, terrified, in poorly worded emails, now the entire Marine Corps has to see how fucking dumb this is.