Terminal Lance #388 “First Sergeant’s Cold Brew”

Have you ever noticed that Staff NCO’s seem to live off of coffee? Clad with a coffee mug in-hand nearly 24/7, you’d be hard pressed to find a set of rockers not hopped up on the glorious brown bean’s black life juice.

Scientists have recently discovered, however, that First Sergeants and above don’t actually have “coffee” in their mugs. Rather, they’re specially trained in the cold brewing process of collecting the tears of Lance Corporals and below with the employment of their black, frostbitten hearts hidden deep within their chest cavities.

They say it can take up to an entire 24 hours to collect a mug full of tears from a single Lance Corporal, but with enough anger, green-weenie buttfucking and malice, some can do it as fast as 5 minutes. Have you ever had a leave request that you waited to get approved for weeks, flying your entire family out to spend a nice time together after being assured it would go through, only to have it coldly denied? Have you ever had to stand by in the barracks while your girlfriend waited for you off-base for 7 hours, only to have liberty secured at the last minute?

These are cold-brewing techniques that First Sergeants and above use to collect the tears they need to thrive. Caffeine is addicting on its own, but fucking over Lance Corporals and below gives them a fucking boner.