Terminal Lance #325 “Battalion Commander Jokes”
May 30, 2014
To your Battalion Commander’s credit, it doesn’t really matter if the joke is funny or not; that’s really not the point. Your battalion could be led by LtCol. Jerry Seinfeld and you’d still hate everything that comes out of his mouth during his addresses. This is the man that stands between you and your trip to Waikiki to try your latest lame pick up line on the freshly legal girls at the club.
(I’m telling you now, ‘my SMAW is 83mm’ doesn’t work as well as you think it does.)
He is the final boss of the week, transforming into different monsters with each defeat. He starts as the Battalion Sergeant Major with a rousing speech mostly consisting of the words ‘understand me?’ His second form may take the place of the Battalion XO or the Battalion Commander–you never know! Just when you think you’ve defeated the most powerful boss, your HP is near death and you’re completely out of Megalixers, your company First Sergeant scoops you up just before you can scatter away and watch the lengthy ending and credits. He may or may not be the true final form, there’s still your company Gunny and your Platoon Sergeant that all want to tell you the same shit but generally less concise the further down you go.
For my own weekend liberty brief, I’d like to tell you a story about a young man named… Well we’ll call him Max.
Okay, I’m kidding, stop reading this and go fuck something.