Maximilian

Creator


Terminal Lance #315 “Moto Boner”

April 8, 2014

This is not a regular boner. This is a moto boner.

Singing with cadence is as American as a kick-ass military that excels at fucking shit up. Still, it’s one of those things that everyone kind of hates, but the Lieutenant probably really wants to do because his entire life he’s been led to believe that Marines actually love doing it. Now that he’s a newly minted, hardcore, United States Marine, he has to whip some motivation back into his ass-dragging platoon and cadence is the first place he’ll start. While there are some entertaining cadences out there, they are tiresome for the most part.

Don’t get me wrong, it’s not like I’ve never been forcefully woken up at 5:30 am and thought to myself, man I know I’m hung over and tired and there’s a weird sore on my dick but I’d really love to go for a run and sing some fucking pirate shanties or something. I mean, who hasn’t done that? Shut the fuck up, no you haven’t.

Still, they’re here and they’re not going anywhere. In all honesty the cadences can actually be kind of fun if you’re in the right mood. In a weird way, it actually makes running easier because it forces you to control your breathing. While they’re lame or moto or whatever, one thing I love about Marines is their uncanny ability to turn even the shittiest, lamest situation into immense fun. It’s a talent Marines have developed over many, many years of being in shitty, lame situations all across the globe.

As for Lieutenants… Well, I’ve said it before, they’re a really easy target to make fun of. I’ll tell you why… it’s because they accomplish two things simultaneously that no one else can:

  • They’re in charge of you.
  • They’re fucking boots.

This is always a recipe for hilarity, and a lot of grief. While you can normally tell the average PFC boot to fuck off and stop booting off so much, you’re kind of stuck dealing with the Lieutenant’s bootisms on a fundamentally intrusive and oppressive level. If he wants everyone to get high and tights and sing songs while you run, you kind of have to do it, lest ye face the wrath of the Ninja Punch.