Maximilian

Creator


Terminal Lance “Corporate Cock-Block”

February 4, 2014

I can’t have been the only person watching the Super Bowl on Sunday night, when the Budweiser commercial came on with Lt. Chuck Nadd’s “Hero’s Welcome” parade, thinking to myself, “Fuck, that must suck.”

I’m not going to go into some long-winded semantic about corporations and war and football like every other website talking about this, but let me explain…

It’s hard to actually find any solid info on him across the internet, but from what I understand he’s a helicopter pilot and went home for Christmas. His command sent him home a couple weeks early under the guise of a “Public Affairs” assignment. He was told a camera crew would follow him around to film a documentary on returning soldiers, and was surprised with a parade when he got home. More to the point though, this guy just spent months in Afghanistan. Of course, he’s happy to be home, but you have no idea how he’s feeling emotionally.

Let’s say his deployment was full of action, he’s been transporting casualties or providing close-air support for the last few months non-stop; he finally gets to come home and see his gorgeous¬†wife, all he really wants is peace and quiet and a warm vagina to slip in to. No one asks for such a ruckus, and no one thinks of themselves as a hero (at least not any hero I’ve ever met). In this scenario, a quiet welcome home by his close friends and family would probably be the best thing he could ask for–but that is definitely not what he got. On the counter, lets say his deployment was boring as shit. He’s spent the last 6 months on stand-by, his battalion hasn’t really done shit, everyone is bored and sitting around on post. In this scenario, he comes home to hundreds of people calling him a hero (including, but not limited to: people he’s never met and random Vietnam vets), he’s probably feeling somewhat pressured and maybe even a little guilty for all of the praise (even though he shouldn’t).

I think the gesture is nice, obviously, but I can’t imagine a time when any returning service member would actually want a parade over something more serene.

On a side note, did anyone else notice what was missing from all the military circle-jerking during the Super Bowl?

Fucking infantry Lance Corporals. I guess showing guys covered in shit with fucked up hair cuts cursing continuously doesn’t create the same wholesome image you want to see with the military. Next time, maybe Samuel Adams will give some busted down PFC a parade. He’ll have a low-reg haircut, a fucked up uniform and a morbidly obese wife with three kids.