Maximilian

Creator


Terminal Lance #293 “There’s an App for That”

September 20, 2013

I remember back in my days at SOI in 2006.

Smartphones weren’t really a thing back then. Well, they were, but they sucked. The pre-iPhone era of smartphones were clunky, ugly and hardly intuitive like the stuff you see today. I happened to have one of those shitty things, it was an HTC-something-something that ran Windows Mobile 5. I didn’t really care what it ran or how smart it was, I just knew it was smart enough to look at porn.

I mean really, I was probably one of the only guys who could sneak off to the head at night and rub one out to legit porn. It was fantastic, but still before the smartphone revolution took place. While I was in Iraq, I was able to accomplish mostly the same results using my PSP with a couple gigs of smut I had downloaded prior to departing. This was more than a suitable solution at the time, since the PSP fit in my pocket just fine.

Marines are going to jerk off, there is nothing that can stop this.

Nothing.

However, the advent of modern technology certainly makes it a lot easier. I always found it kind of ironic how the Marine Corps is literally a group of men and women that get paid to legally kill people, yet are extremely sensitive on the issue of pornography. It’s considered contraband overseas, but everyone you know probably has about 3 Terabytes of hard drives loaded with nothing but the most raunch of porn, including your Battalion Commander. Sure, there might be a couple photos of his wife on there, but it’s in the folder next to “Two Girls One Cup” and “Japanese Fisting Gameshow Bukkake Extravaganza.”

I don’t really know where I’m going with this.

I’ve got phones on the mind lately with the iPhone 5S launching today. I’ve had the 4S since the day it came out two years ago, I skipped the 5 and I’ve been due for an upgrade for months, impatiently waiting for Apple to take their sweet fucking time releasing a new phone. iOS 7 was launched on Wednesday, which I of course downloaded immediately, desperately craving the taste of something new. It’s actually really great, the functionality has been improved as equally as the design has. With that said, I worry it might be slightly too feminine for some. It doesn’t bother me, but I could see how it would turn off someone desperately trying to maintain a masculine demeanor with their phone.

Speaking of phones, have you noticed that phones are like politics these days? I swear to fuck, you can’t even mention iPhone, Android or Windows Phone without like seven desperate tryhards that swear their allegiance to their opposing digital god bickering up a dickstorm of specs laden with biased bullshit. It’s pretty sad when I have to be conscious of what phones I draw in a comic strip because I know there’s going to be like 9 retards in the comments on Facebook getting into an argument about which phone they think is better (or worse).

For the record, Abe has an iPhone and Garcia has a Galaxy S4 in this strip.

Reading the comments on Fox News and CNET are about the same. “OBAMA IS A MOOSLIM TERRORIST” and “THE IPHONE IS FOR FAGS” carries about the same intellectual weight in my book–which is to say: you’re a fucking idiot. Buy whatever phone you want, at this point they’re all pretty god damned amazing.

Seriously, have you ever stopped to think about how fucking amazing your phone is? I mean just stop for a second and think about it. It lets you talk to people anywhere in the world, video call, browse porn, stalk your ex girlfriends on Facebook, say stupid shit on Twitter, it’s less than an inch thick and weighs basically nothing. If you need to spend your time online bitching about why your phone is the best, you need to desperately visit a third world country, cause you’re suffering from a severe case of first fucking world problems.