I honestly don’t know if everyone can relate specifically to this situation, but I will tell you that the moment the blue shitter-water splashes up on your ass is the most terrifying thing a man can experience. This, of course, being the inevitable result of blasting the pot with a week’s worth of Chicken Patties and Wheat Snack Breads in what I can only imagine is a literal equivalent of being on the receiving end of intensely-gaping interracial anal sex.
I recall the moment it happened to me–it was CAX, 2007 at the “FINEX”. We were back at the “FOB”, it was day 6 or so (out of 11), and I had been clogged up for a few days due to the daily MRE intake. When I finally squeezed one out, the projectile fece exited my buttocks with such a force as to cause the foul water to propel itself onto my backside. My first reaction was to rationalize it, I thought to myself, “No… maybe I just imagined it…”
But I knew it wasn’t so.
Panic struck me, I reached for the toilet paper and wiped and scraped until I was raw. I pulled everything back on and ran to the hooch to grab my hand-sanitizer. Once I had the Purell in hand, I ran back to the “Honeybucket” and poured the Purell onto the toilet paper and began sanitizing every inch of my rear end–as I knew I wasn’t going to shower for another 5 days at least.
Overall it was a horrifying experience. If it ever happens to you though, try to stay calm and remember that you’re not alone.
For those of you back in the rear, it would be a great time to pick up a copy of “KNIFE-HANDS!” yeah? CLICK HERE TO BUY THE BOOK.
For those of you unconvinced, just ask any of the motivators that came out to get their books signed last weekend. The book contains Terminal Lance strips 1-100 and tons of extra content–and it’s only $20! Check it out here.
Seriously though, buying it supports the site! If you like Terminal Lance and want a way to help out, buying the book is a great choice.
In personal news, everyone at my school has been sick over the last couple of weeks so naturally I managed to catch whatever disease is floating around. Of course, it didn’t start kicking in until Friday and lasted all weekend. Cause, you know, that’s how I like to spend my free time–sick and miserable.