Terminal Lance #328 “Avengers Assemble”

Okay but let’s be realistic here, if each hooker even weighs only 100 lbs that’s actually going to hurt like hell.

Have you ever noticed that superheroes and heroic military movie characters are always higher ranking? Captain America, for example, displays his pride for the American cause prominently and is constantly brimming with the kind of motivation typically only found in poolees and fresh boots (and I’m not referring to Danners). The lead character of the new Godzilla film is a Lieutenant (a super disappointing film, but a fact that has nothing to do with his rank).

You really couldn’t have a Lance Corporal in the good Captain’s shoes, it just wouldn’t be the same. Lance Corporal America would spend half the movie avoiding working parties, drawing dicks on the bathroom wall, and debating about whether or not Captain America could kick Wolverine’s ass with other Lance Corporals (Captain America would win); while the other half of the film would mostly just be him complaining about having to do whatever it is he has to do.

I pride myself on my Lance Corporal status–some would even say Terminally–but let’s be realistic here: this comic wouldn’t exist if I didn’t love to bitch about things. I know I picked up Corporal in the IRR, I refuse to accept it until I get pinned.

Anyway, I’m surprised it took me this long to put Captain America in a strip, he’s been my favorite superhero for as long as I can remember. I was pleasantly surprised with the quality of the most recent cinematic offering, The Winter Soldier. To be honest, I sometimes feel like the only person that didn’t love the first Captain America movie a few years back. It was okay, but a WWII movie without a single swastika? And laser weapons? Come on. It was already on thin ice being directed by the same guy that did Jurassic Park III, those notes and a montage scene didn’t help its case for me.