Maximilian

Creator


Terminal Lance “Clinically Trialed”

February 5, 2021

This is a joke, but it would surprise no one. With such little control over your own life while enlisted in the service of Uncle Sam, it should come as no surprise that you have equally no say over what vaccines you are given as well. You haven’t lived until you’ve stood in line with 150 other Marines to get a delicious cocktail of medically administered flu, anthrax, and smallpox vaccines all at once.

My entire battalion flew across the globe with swollen, disgusting scabs on our arms from the scar-inducing smallpox vaccine.

Of course, with the current state of affairs, Marines should be so lucky to be getting inoculated against COVID. Marines need to be kept healthy and ready; if not to fight our nation’s wars, then to at least keep Doc from dying of boredom.

(Funny how that strip from 11 months ago has aged. Like most, I really thought the pandemic would be over and done with by now, rather than a continued discussion almost an entire year later)



Maximilian

Creator

Terminal Lance “Happy Thanksgiving 2020”

November 25, 2020

It’s a weird time for everyone. To be honest, I thought this whole COVID pandemic was going to be over and done for within a few months. Here we are, 9 months later, unable to celebrate Thanksgiving with our loved ones and forced to eat chow hall for our biggest national food holiday.

For you Marines stuck in the barracks this year, I bless upon thee that you acquire a coveted PlayStation 5 and can spend your time playing Demon’s Souls instead of pretending to want to hang out with your ugly cousin.

Blessings upon thee.

Happy Thanksgiving, Marines… Or at least as much of a Thanksgiving as you can get.

Maximilian

Creator

Terminal Lance “Simple Things”

January 28, 2020

That’s it… That’s all of the things. 

Life as a Marine, as a general thing, is not something that’s meant to be enjoyed in a traditional sense. For instance, there’s nothing enjoyable about waking up at 0500 to go do morning PT; or stand around at the armory for 5 hours cleaning weapons that are already clean; or to cram into the back of a 7-ton with 20 other full-grown men, in the rain, to get to your field op, where you will be rained on for another 4 or 5 days and unable to shower.

These things aren’t enjoyable… But this is life as a Marine. Bitching about it, as Lance Corporals do, is probably a healthy reaction to the daily ins and outs of Marine Corps existence. As they say, a bitching Marine is a happy Marine… It’s when they stop bitching that you should worry.

Maximilian

Creator

Terminal Lance “Hashtag WWIII”

January 3, 2020

I can only imagine the surprise that Marines are arriving back to in their drunken and hungover stupors after the holiday leave block, as we kick off the New Year with quite a bang by assassinating a high level Iranian general in Baghdad. 2/7 Marines are already on the scene at the US embassy, many of them probably with alcohol and eggnog still on their breath as they drunkenly meander into the fray.

Hopefully there’s at least one Marine with some buzzers to administer much needed barracks cuts to those nasty scalps.

There’s been a lot of rampant Twitter speculation about this being the beginning of World War III, complete with its own hashtag and all. I won’t comment on the geopolitical dealings of such a surprising maneuver. I only hope that the Marines and soldiers being sent in are ready and willing for whatever happens next.

I’m sure they are.

I have a variety of emotions about the return to Iraq. Having been there myself on two deployments, years ago, it’s not something I was necessarily expecting. But, given the nature and history of these never-ending wars… perhaps I should have.

As a very unrelated aside, WE HAVE A CONTEST GOING ON! Check out the post below and submit your DUTY DOODLES to social@terminallance.com before the end of tomorrow (Saturday, January 4th, 2020)… We have some special stuff in store for the winners.

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TERMINAL LANCE DUTY DOODLE CONTEST: You have until the end of January 4th (11:59pm PST) to draw and doodle something fit for a portashitter wall! Draw anything! The only limit is your imagination, but try to imagine you’re bored on duty or stuck in a portashitter while drawing it. Email your high resolution drawing to social@terminallance.com with the subject “DICK DRAWING” or slide into our DM’s to submit a duty doodle. The best drawings will be featured on Terminal Lance and the winners will receive a free shirt. ORIGINAL ARTWORK ONLY. Please try to scan or get a high quality picture of your work, higher resolution the better! Happy doodling. #terminallance #usmc #marines #marinecorps #military

A post shared by Terminal Lance (@terminallance) on

Maximilian

Creator

Terminal Lance #545 “Officer Life”

April 30, 2019

Life in the Marine Corps can often be described as depressing…Or soul-destroying… Or just generally awful… Unless of course you’re a Commissioned Officer. Once they are adorned with those beautifully shiny ranks, officers of Marines become a whole different class of human in the world of the military. They demand to be addressed as “Sir,” simply for existing in your presence, and their paychecks equally demand to be exponentially larger than yours at all times. You must salute them as they walk by as if they were the colors themselves!

Of course, being an Officer of Marines isn’t without its challenges. For instance… Uh…

Who am I kidding? Officer life exists on an entirely different plane of existence from the lowly peasant enlisted class. The only bad part? The enlisted Marines know it. Not that it matters, but filling your empty life with hookers and expensive cars can only make one so happy, I’m sure.

Very happy.

In other news, I’m not going to bother saying much about the whole swastika thing but if you want to get my full take on it, listen to today’s Zero Blog Thirty episode where I explain that whole fucking thing. Long story short, if you’re a grown ass man and you need someone to tell you not to send swastikas in uniform to (Jewish) people you don’t know, you’re long past my ability to help you.

Maximilian

Creator

Terminal Lance #522 “All Of The Weather”

July 13, 2018

The most under appreciated issued uniform item is definitely the All-Weather Coat. It is so under appreciated, in fact, that to this day I have never actually taken the tag off of mine. However, did you know that you can wear it with any uniform? Even in civilian clothes! How rad is that?

It is so rad, that I am formally asking all of you to wear yours to formation, out in town, in the barracks, or wherever else you can, and send me photos. The best pictures will be featured on the Terminal Lance Instagram, and you will be the legend I always knew you could be. I want to see those Inspector Gadget jackets. I know they’re just sitting in your wall locker, so let’s put them to good use! The best one may even win a prize…

On a related note, I am going to be totally honest here: I’ve never actually read a Marine Corps Order prior to looking this one up for the comic strip. As a grunt in the Corps, I figured Marine Corps Orders were POG shit that I never needed to look at. I was totally right, because much like my All-Weather Coat, I went 4 straight (questionable) years without ever actually looking at one. I spent this afternoon trying to figure out the difference between a MARADMIN, ALMAR and MCO.

Spoiler alert: There’s no difference and it totally doesn’t matter, so don’t waste your time.

On a very unrelated note, check out this CBS radio episode feature myself and Duffel Blog creator Paul Szoldra if you want to hear some dope shit.

Maximilian

Creator

Terminal Lance “Assault Up”

January 9, 2018

This is bullshit. My MOS is getting phased out.

When Hope over at Military.com interviewed me for her breaking story, the first thing I thought to myself was: is this actually happening this time? For my entire enlistment, since the day I arrived at ITB West and tested for the 0351 MOS, I was told repeatedly that the Assaultman wasn’t going to be around much longer. Of course, this was written off as just being another Lance Corporal Underground rumor at the time, but it looks like it might actually happen now.

It’s bittersweet for me, I suppose. I loved the idea of shooting rockets at things and blowing stuff up with C4 on occasion, but we never really did it. During my first deployment to Iraq, myself and the rest of the Assault section were turned into a mounted platoon, where I sat atop an MRAP behind an M2 .50 cal machine gun. Needless to say, I wasn’t shooting rockets at anything.

They say it’s because they don’t need an entire MOS to shoot rockets… But I suspect they just don’t want some other pissed off 0351 Lance Corporal starting the next Terminal Lance.

Maximilian

Creator

Terminal Lance “Halloween 2017”

October 31, 2017

Too spooky for me.

Is it weird that as I get older I become more and more sympathetic to the plight of the Staff Sergeant? Of course, Terminal Lance will always center around the beautiful species known as the Lance Corporal of Marines, but the few guys I know from my unit that stayed in are now Staff NCO’s themselves. I see them from a distance, aging unnaturally and silently cursing the events that have led them to these moments.

Okay, not really, but still.

Anyway, Happy Halloween! Eat candy or something.

If you couldn’t tell, I’m still hung up on the new Mario game. I thought about starting an official Terminal Lance Mario Kart tournament, but well…

Maximilian

Creator

Terminal Lance “Little Blue Birdy with a Little Blue Bill”

July 28, 2017

Oh, you didn’t get the word?

The President announced sweeping military policy changes on Wednesday, via Twitter, regarding transgender service members. Beginning, uh… Sometime… Transgender service members will no longer be allowed in the military full-stop. This came as a total shock to the Department of Defense itself, as Secretary of Defense Mattis was on vacation, and General Dunford–the Chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff–put out a memo stating that no policy changes would occur until they received direction from the White House.

“I know there are questions about yesterday’s announcement on the transgender policy by the president,” Marine Corps Gen. Joseph Dunford, chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff, said in a memo to military leaders. “There will be no modifications to the current policy until the president’s direction has been received by the secretary of defense and the secretary has issued implementation guidance.”

“In the meantime, we will continue to treat all of our personnel with respect,” Dunford added.

Regardless of how you feel on the subject, I think it’s safe to say that Twitter probably isn’t the military’s first choice as far as passing down important word goes.

I brought up my own personal feelings on the subject on Wednesday, to which many maligned and disagreed–a few even quite respectfully–but I stand by what I said. Of course, Terminal Lance is always apolitical, but I feel like it would be strangely out of character for me to completely ignore a massive policy change that directly affects the entire United States Armed Forces.

The trans issue is unique in that, while it’s comparable in theory to homosexuals openly serving and even desegregation, it actually involves real logistics in regards to medical costs and confusing gray areas with PT standards and co-ed training. It is my personal belief that these are pretty easily solved and mostly innocuous issues to get hung up on, considering the very small number of trans service members currently active duty (about 5,000).

My solution is quite simple, and one that I’ve argued for in the past:

Remove all gender-based standards. A singular PFT that all must pass–male or female–to do the job required of a Marine… Any Marine.

Yes, you will lose a lot of weaker females (and males) and otherwise, but you will end up with a stronger military as a whole. It is the only real solution to both the transgender paradox and women in the infantry.

For the record, I refuse to shy away from subjects for fear of partisan backlash. If Terminal Lance and myself did things the same way as everyone else, it wouldn’t exist. So I’m gonna keep doing what I do, and you are welcome to go read content that doesn’t offend you.

Maximilian

Creator

Terminal Lance #478 “New Corps III”

June 9, 2017

Much to the dismay of senior leadership, the Corps is always changing and molding to the world in which it exists. Ever since the fall of Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell (remember when gays weren’t allowed in the military because they were gay?), new social orders have become the norm in a community that was previously steeped in its own cultures and traditions.

Many in the Corps and veterans on the outside decry these cultural shifts, but they are a product of the times. In my anecdotal opinion, it is the rise of social media that is to blame for pop culture working its way into the barracks. While new generations always bring new culture with them into the Corps, it used to be a very closed off environment once you got past those yellow footprints. Now, anyone and everyone is instantly connected via Snapchat and Instagram to the latest trends, and there’s not much the Old Corps can do to stop it.

Put on your rompers and flick your fidget spinners, cause it’s a new Corps out there.