Author: Maximilian

Don’t lie, we all know what movie you’re going to be seeing this weekend. You’ll make your excuses, you’ll tell everyone it’s because it is a movie about a Marine, or that you just want to make fun of it… but everyone will know the truth.

Okay anyway, I’m sure everyone is aware that “The Lucky One” is opening today. Yet another product of Nicholas Sparks’ chick-fantasy loins, this one happens to be about a modern day Marine played by none other than the atrociously good-looking, confusingly masculinely-effeminate Zac Effron. There was a lot of groaning when everyone found out that Zac Effron was going to be playing a Marine in this film, but not for any good reason, really. Effron is 24, male, good looking, in shape and could easily sleep with your girlfriend. Sounds like most Marines I know.

Regardless, like most Nicholas Sparks-based films, I’m sure the movie will be absolute trite Hollywood garbage, and I’m sure it’ll open to millions. How many fucking different ways are there to tell the exact same love story with basically the same characters? I dunno, but I’m sure Nicholas Sparks is rearing to find out.

In other news, I’ll be at the Palo Alto IRR muster tomorrow morning, so if you have a copy of KNIFE-HANDS you want signed or something, feel free to hunt me down. I’m not entirely sure what the plan is but I’ll be wandering around the event, at any rate. It’s also possible I’ll be making an appearance at The Escapist Comics Store in Berkeley at 6pm later in the day. Keep up with the Facebook fan page for live info.

It feels something like that.

Seriously though, I don’t know exactly what it is, but the barber at bootcamp is the most painful haircut you’ll ever receive. This is the kind of barber that asks if you have any bumps or moles on your head, then tells you they’re coming off. He then proceeds to force his 0-length buzzers into your scalp like he’s skinning a buffalo.

I’m guessing the reason for this is because they want your hair as close to bald as possible. Unfortunately, you can’t just bic your head like one might do in the fleet, they want it done at the barber shop with buzzers. I suppose I was never a huge fan of the holocaust victim look–and I remember the day in 3rd phase that we were allowed to get high-and-tight haircuts. Of course, like the shiny little boot I was, I ate it up and got the highest and tightest of ‘do’s. I remember later, when I was aboard SOI West at Camp Pendleton, I saw one of my compatriots with a strangely lower haircut, unlike all the other boot students. I asked him what he told the barber, and like it was some kind of inside-trader secret, he looked left and right and told me:

“…Tell the barber you want a ‘medium-reg’.”

…and I never looked back.

In other news, I’ll be at a couple of places on Saturday if everything goes as planned. If you’re going to the Palo Alto IRR muster, look for me there on Saturday morning. If you’re not, I might also be at a comic store in Oakland doing some kind of reading or otherwise comic-related thing there. I’ll post the details when I figure them out!

I don’t think I’ll be selling any books, but if you have a copy of “KNIFE-HANDS!!!” feel free to bring it by and I will bless it with my markings. If you don’t have one, there’s still time to get one!

The name on your chest in the military is both a blessing and a curse. It is your label, it is a word that people will associate with your physical essence. If you happen to have the unfortunate honor of carrying a family name that is laughable or remotely inappropriate, expect it to be used against you at every possible opportunity.

I suppose I only had this problem to a very limited extent. My last name is “Uriarte,” which was plastered across my breast for 4 years. If you’re 12 years old, mentally handicapped or dyslexic, you can possibly interpret the name to say “Urinate.” Regardless, since most people I knew just called me “Max” (including our Co. 1st Sgt), I never really had any serious issues with it.

I recall one event where I was literally walking past the barracks of another company. In the corner of my eye I spotted a nametape that I couldn’t ignore. I stopped in my tracks, walked over to this Marine, and without saying a word, took a picture of his nametape with my phone. It read, “BAGGINS”. Mind you, I’m a gigantic nerd and I thought it was hilarious, and the Marine laughed and said, “I’ve gotten a lot of shit for my name before, but no one has ever done that.”

Regardless, name tapes are generally an endless source of humor, since they’re very much impossible to hide from.

If you know someone with a funny nametape, snap a photo, without saying a word, and post it up on the Terminal Lance Facebook page!

It’s kind of like that.

For those of you unaware, “IRR” stands for “Individual Ready Reserve.” It basically means that even though you’re not active duty, you’re still under contract for another 4 years after your EAS date to attend IRR musters. The purpose of the IRR muster is really just to update your information with Uncle Sam and sit through an hour speech of people trying to convince you to reenlist. If you’re like me and you’re terribly uninterested in these sorts of things, the IRR musters really just serve as the Marine Corps’ way to get in a few last “fuck yous” while you’re off active duty trying to let your ass get fatter in peace. The Marine Corps always need you to know that you’re their bitch, even after the fact.

I suppose I don’t really see the point in the whole schpeal about reenlisting or talking to a prior-service recruiter in this day and age. 90% of the Marines I knew that got out at the same time I did tried to get back in. They were denied, like everyone else, because the Corps just isn’t letting anyone in right now.

To their credit though, the IRR musters do offer some good information about benefits and such that you should be getting after you get out. If you’re like me, however, and you already access your benefits every day, it’s kind of moot. I always found it strange though how many Marines get out and don’t use their GI Bill to go to school. When you ask them why, you get something like, “I hate school,” and it’s like, “MOTHERFUCKER THEY LITERALLY PAY YOU TO GO TO SCHOOL”. There is not one remotely good reason to not take advantage of the Post 9/11 GI Bill after you get out, honestly.

Any way, I suppose this is just on my mind because I recently got orders for an IRR Muster coming up this month. This will be my 2nd one since I got out. Last time there was free coffee, so I guess that’s something to look forward to.

If you went to Iraq, you’ll get it.

Who doesn’t love the Ugandan guys that guard the American bases overseas? Honestly they were some of my favorite people over there. Throw them a “Jambo” as you walk into the DFAC and you’ll be greeted with a mighty return of favor. You can actually read a longer description of this epic event in the link above, so I won’t bore you again. I can only imagine, however, that the dream of every Ugandan over there is to open up a juice parlor in America that rips off an established franchise.

Okay, honestly I don’t really have a whole lot to say about this strip, since it’s kind of ridiculous any way, it’s actually been sitting in my sketchbook for a long time. Like many strips though, I will think of an idea, write it down, and forget about it or get tired of the joke. It’s a strange conundrum, because if I lose interest in my own joke after going over it so many times I no longer want to do the strip–despite the fact that no one else has ever seen it, so it would still be funny to any third party (theoretically at least).

As for the late update, well, I spent like 2 hours dealing with technical issues today. I was originally going to live stream the strip being made, but then I ran into a problem with Illustrator while make the Jambo Juice logo and I didn’t want to broadcast my inability to expertly navigate Adobe’s convoluted program.

But really, in the near future look forward to me live streaming some stuff, whether it be Terminal Lance or not. I’ll throw it up on Facebook when I plan on doing it. As well, if I can find time, it’s possible I’ll rent a server for BF3 and do some of that again, which turned out to be a great success last time. With the latest patch DICE went and made it easier (read: possible) to host my own game, which is cool.

The condition and overall demeanor of a Marine’s uniform can say a lot about that individual. At a glance, the subtleties of a uniform unapparent to the average person become immediately noticeable to the average Marine.

Low or sloppily bloused boots, dirty cammies (we don’t call them utilities), patches or holes, hand-sewn name tapes, faded cammies, a cover with a ring of sweat around the brim, salt rings on the blouse, worn-out and destroyed boots, black rifle stains and scratched rank are all component signifiers of the typical “salt dog”. These Marines have been around the block (or the world, literally) a few times and have decided that the intricacies of maintaining a proper appearance are no longer a priority. These small, seemingly insignificant additions to the uniform say more about the experience and character of a Marine than even their rank.

This is the Uniform of the Day for the average Terminal Lance.

With that said, not all Marines choose to look this way. Even as the most Terminal of Terminal Lances, I actually liked maintaining a good appearance for my own sake. Simply put: I just liked to look good–but to each his own. If a Marine chooses to wear his saltiest of garments, then he should be allowed to do so, and not a single fuck should be given.

I think something that many Marines struggle with when coming back to the civilian world is profanity. It’s entirely true, Marines use profane language in everyday conversation so much that it becomes very difficult to drop it when you need to. Case in point, a child’s birthday party is probably a place you should stow away your fucks and replace them with something more socially acceptable, like “sexual intercourse” or “teddy bear”.

I’ve also found, personally, that it’s not even just the language barrier that’s hard to get used to. The very subject matter that Marines will bring up in daily smoke-pit conversation is almost never appropriate for any civilian populace whatsoever. Marines very frequently talk about race, sex, women, and… well that’s really it. An office environment, or a school environment in my case, usually isn’t the best place to bring these subjects up. The next time you want to bring up all the terrible, disgusting things you’d want to do with Scarlett Johansson in your workplace, it might be best to just stay quiet.

On an unrelated note, I just wanted to point out that Terminal Lance has, and has for a long time, sold T-shirts and coffee mugs and such with the logo of the site on them, for those of you that are a little more disgruntled than others. You can purchase these things by clicking on the “Store” button at the top of the site, above the comic.

Please keep in mind, you can’t purchase the “KNIFE-HANDS!!!” book via the regular storefront. If you’re looking for the book, click the little banner at the top of the page or just click here.

There’s some big things coming down the pipeline in regard to TL, I just need to somehow find the time to get them done in between my 18 credits of classes this semester. I suppose sleep can wait.

I recall quite un-fondly the many times we were forced to Field Day the barracks when someone important was on the base. The Lance Corporal’s worst day is the day the Commandant comes to visit the base, because whether or not you even see him in any of his physical forms, you can guarantee yourself that you’ll be field daying the entire base up to a week in advance. It usually goes something like what you see here.

Word will be passed, “The Commandant is coming this week, I need 20 bodies to go on a battalion working party to police-call the entire base.” The entire company will sigh in anguish, because even if you don’t get put on this working party you’ll end up having to literally scrub the walls of your barracks building just in case the Commandant comes within a city block of your room.

This happened all the time, and somehow in my 4 years of enlistment I never once even saw the man with my own eyes. This of course isn’t limited to the big man himself, sometimes it’ll just be the SgtMaj of the Marine Corps traveling solo, President Obama (he’s Kama’aina), random and relatively unheard of generals, maybe the base commander’s nephew–who knows. Whatever excuse they can think of to get everyone to clean the entire base in a panic, they usually take it.

In other news, did you know I have a book? If not, look at my balls:

But seriously, if you haven’t purchased “KNIFE-HANDS” yet, go haze yourself. $20 for a book with tons of extra shit not seen on the site isn’t a bad deal. Then again, what do I know… I’m just a lowly Lance Coolie. (Actually I’m a Corporal according to MOL, but I never got pinned).

For those of you not in the know, Katy Perry released a music video yesterday for her song “Part of Me” that was filmed with real Marines. I can only imagine the amount of desperate and idiotically brave Marines that tried to get her number, or ask her to the Marine Corps Ball. Of course, I’m sure she was least impressed with our 1171 friend here, who always seems to think he’s got a lot more game than he really does.

Here is the video in question:

For the most part, the video actually isn’t all that bad. Going against my Terminal Lance instincts, I know I should naturally hate anything that’s so deliberately moto. However, I suppose I just feel like it could have been a lot worse. Of course, there are many laughable instances about the piece that any Marine that’s been in longer than 5 minutes can find. For starters, women don’t have to cut their hair to be Marines. You don’t get handed cammies with your name on them in boot camp, I have no idea what MOS she’s supposed to be, and the part where she’s trying to shoot her rifle with her ginormous kevlar in her face gets me every time.

Little gripes aside, there was one thing that legitimately confused me: Why the hell does she wrap her breasts? I was expecting some kind of GI Jane gender-bender thing but she just… joins the Marines. Women join the Marines all the time… as women… so this was probably the most confusing part of the video for me. It just doesn’t seem to have any relevance to the whole thing. It also sucks because Katy Perry has a pretty fantastic rack, which has been put under wraps for this video.

In any case, I think the Corps should really consider throwing out that most recent recruiting video they put up a couple weeks ago and replace it with this. Katy Perry dancing under a gigantic flag is a way better idea, I’m sure female recruiting just spiked at the same rate as everyone’s moto-boners (and real boners).

The Marine lifestyle is an unstable one at best. As a result, the animal that is the United States Marine is no stranger to the long distance relationship. Most Marines probably start off with one, some girl from “back home” that writes to them in boot camp. 80% of those women will leave them while they’re in bootcamp, the other 20% will either cheat on them or leave them later (or both). Regardless, the long distance Skype webcam sex session is also no stranger to the Marine Corps.

Skype has done wonderful things for the world, especially the military. One of those wonderful things is the power to flog your Cobra Commander in front of your significant other from thousands of miles away. This is ultimately a great thing, webcams have done wonders in the elimination of time and space in regards to long distance relationships.

Even so, these sort of relationships are always hard. Most couples don’t make it, but many actually do. I personally dealt with the long distance relationship as much as anyone else, being with my wife since before I enlisted. It will always be hard, and it never gets any easier. Skype, cell phones and the internet close the gap quite a bit, but it will be entirely up to you to make sure that your relationship stays alive.

Lastly, if you find that you need to spank your wank with your girlfriend or otherwise, at least have the common courtesy to do it in private. As well… don’t do it on someone else’s computer… that’s gross.