Author: Maximilian

S E M P E R  F I G H T!!!

The Duel of the Century is upon us! The svelt tan-belt versus the voluptuous dad-bod defender for the crown of most motivated Marine! Who will walk away the victor? I’d say this is a pretty even toss-up.

Motivation in the Marine Corps is defined as how much you love… Well… The Marine Corps. How much do you love Marine Corps shit? Stuff like PT, haircuts, camouflage paint, putting EGA’s on everything you own. That is motivation.

Boots are naturally motivated by default. Extremely proud of their most recent (and only) accomplishment of being ordained the title of Marine through the fires of boot camp, they own their title with an unnatural and shameless pride that is annoying to basically every normal person. Then comes the fleet.

Upon arrival to the fleet, the new Marine will either succumb to the temptations of shit-baggery and attain their DD-214 no second too-soon; or they will keep that glimmer of motivation and keep reenlisting. With each reenlistment, their motivation levels increase, sometimes even doubling. By the time they reach the higher ranks of the Staff NCO, their motivation levels may be too high to function in normal society.

This battle is truly one for the ages.

In personal news, I’ve been away for a couple of weeks because my wife and I just had our first baby. It’s been a whirlwind of sleepless nights and poopy diapers, but please welcome Theodore Uriarte to the mix.

As time has gone on with Terminal Lance, I find that I talk about myself less and try more to keep the focus on the Marines and the Marine Corps. Rest assured, I’m alive and well and working on some exciting new endeavors for TL and beyond. Stay tuned, hopefully we’ll have some great news in the near future!

There is perhaps no other military rank shrouded in as much mystery as that of the elusive Chief Warrant Officers. Their colorful collars are adorned with flamboyant and powerful rank that give them unprecedented powers throughout the Marine Corps. No one has ever seen a Marine get promoted to the Warrant Officer ranks, it is thought that their ceremony is one of darkness and ritual.

Witchcraft.

In reality, the Warrant Officer ranks are in a weird spot because nobody actually knows who outranks them. They exist in a weird medium between enlisted and commissioned that grants them strange privilege. Enlisted can’t tell them what to do, but commissioned officers can’t find them because they aren’t as fluent in the skating arts as the enlisted. They are caught between worlds, in the nether realm of the Marine Corps.

You can learn about CWO’s and more in the Terminal Lance Bestiary of the Marine Corps eBook on Kindle. Check it out!

An article hit CNN yesterday that stated 40% of active duty Marines have thus far refused the COVID-19 vaccine (presumably after being offered). Anecdotally, this seems to line up with what people are telling me from the LCPL Underground in their platoons, shops and sections.

Ironically, a lot of Marines are really concerned about the potential health consequences of getting the COVID-19 vaccine. Keep in mind, this is the same group of people who volunteered to enlist, potentially go to war, and got injected with everything under the sun during their first week at bootcamp with no questions asked. This is the same group of people with practically zero inhibitions while sober, who will fuck any willing, wet hole, who line up outside of BAS every Monday with a new sore on their genitals for Doc to look at, who are concerned about what could be in the vaccine.

Wild.

Frankly I was surprised that this was even optional. Before I went to Iraq, I had to get all kinds of horrid injections and vaccines (anthrax, smallpox). No one enjoyed it, but no one cared either.

There is so much misinformation flying around and rampant conspiracy theories these days that frankly it’s disheartening. For what it’s worth, if you’re a Marine reading this, the vaccine is safe and effective. I just got the second dose yesterday. I have so far only received ONE unskippible ad for XBOX beamed directly to my occipital lobe. It wasn’t that bad.

For real though, a shot to the arm with minimal side effects is a lot better than being laid out with COVID for a week. As well, you get the vaccine to protect others, not just yourself. I suppose I’m old fashioned, I still believe that there’s some part of all Marines that enlist because they believe in their civic duty to protect the country.

You, a healthy young male or female with a 98% chance of survival will probably be fine if you catch COVID (in the long run). You will also likely be even more fine getting the vaccine. However, there are people with chronic health conditions, disabilities, etc, that prevent them from being able to get the COVID vaccine OR catching the disease itself. As a nation, we all need to become immune and squash out the viral menace for the sake of those that aren’t as fortunate as us to be so healthy.

It is as simple as that.

No one has paid me to say any of this, I just really believe in getting over this fucking pandemic because I want to go back to the bars sooner than later.

What could be a more valuable reward than the virtues of Marine Corps leadership? If you’re lucky, you may even find the grand prize egg containing an NJP. JJ tied a buckle for your sins, and today is the day that we celebrate his knot skills.

Grab your basket and start searching for hidden prizes.

By searching, I mean police calling the barracks. By basket, I mean trash bag.

Amendment III: No Soldier shall, in time of peace be quartered in any house, without the consent of the Owner, nor in time of war, but in a manner to be prescribed by law.

Seems pretty clear-cut to me that the 3rd Amendment of the United States Constitution was designed to stop would-be Jodie soldiers from bedding in places they aren’t supposed to. A soldier (specifically) sleeping in another man’s house surely makes the cut here, legally speaking. The founding fathers of the United States truly planned for everything.

Of course, a constitutional loophole is that this clearly only applies to Army soldiers, and not Marines, Sailors or Airmen. Maybe the founding fathers didn’t think of everything, after all.

Marines are famously great with money. Well, they’re not great at keeping it, but they’re great at spending it. All the more reason that the economic stimulus checks of $1400 are better spent with Lance Corporals than anyone else. If the purpose is to put the money back into the economy, Lance Corporals will happily dump $1400 into beer, strippers, and new cars faster than they got it.

This is what happens when most of your income is completely disposable. Of course, there are many Marines with real obligations and money sense, but the vast majority of young E-3’s live in the barracks, eat their meals at the chow hall, and don’t have to pay anything for health care. What else are you going to do with your guaranteed bi-weekly government paycheck?

This is why I’m announcing that I’m going to open a theme park outside of Twentynine Palms specifically for Marines to waste their money on. Beer, guns, strippers, coffee, roller coasters, you name it. Terminal Lance Land coming soon (not really).

I’ve always unironically loved those old-school recruiting posters from World War II. The art of bold, fast propaganda illustration is a lost art that I wish the military still utilized. Legendary artists like JC Leyendecker, Norman Rockwell, and even Walt Disney partook in the recruiting efforts of yore. It’s a shame we don’t have anything like that for today’s military.

Luckily for you, I’ve made this poster for the modern Marine.

Edit: Posters are officially sold out.

Enlisting into the Marine Corps can be quite the transformative experience. For some, moreso than others. While many are able to resist the temptations of becoming a total toolbag upon graduation from boot camp, there are just as many who succumb to the irreversible identity changes boot camp instills in young Marines.

What was once a chill, regular dude you went to high school will return home with a fresh high-and-tight haircut and a moto shirt he bought at the MCRD PX on graduation day. Instead of speaking like a regular person in your town, he speaks in strange idioms and manners he picked up from his Drill Instructors. He asks you, repeatedly, if you “undastand” him, or if you’re “tracking.”

Be patient. Do not blame him, for he knows not what he has become.

Give him a couple of years in the fleet to wash off all the moto, and slowly return to the person he once was. These things come in cycles, but be assured he does still exist in there somewhere.

There’s really no rhyme or reason to the fact that toilets across the Corps are often without any doors or dividers of any kind. Try as I might, I can’t think of any real explanation for this fecal phenomenon. In nearly any training environment built specifically for Marines, going to the head becomes a forced social event with you and your best buds.

Here’s where I’m confused: the DOD budget for 2021 was nearly $700 billion dollars. How much could a stall door possibly cost? I mean really.

I suppose it kind of makes sense when you’re talking about boot camp, where the point is to dehumanize you. But what about the rest?

My personal theory for Camp Wilson is that, at some point, there were doors and stalls.

One day, someone fucked up.

Their CO decreed that they no longer be allowed to have doors and stalls while they shit.

If there’s at least one upside to having to wear masks in the midst of the COVID pandemic, it’s that Marines can now safely grow out those thigh-ticklers in peace. When any Lance Corporal is given an inch, you can be guaranteed they will take it as many miles as they can. There’s nothing particularly fascinating or attractive about beards, but Lance Corporals make their money on small acts of rebellion, clinging to what slivers of identity they have left.

At this point I haven’t figured out if Marine veterans grow beards out of desire or out of spite for having not been allowed to grow it out for (at least) 4 years.

Can you believe the first comic strip I did about COVID was nearly an entire year ago? What a strange time we live in.