Author: Maximilian

If there’s one thing we know about Marines, it’s that they positively, absolutely, fundamentally love to salute the shinies. They just can’t help themselves. Curiously, despite the fact that Marines are known to engage in rigorous physical activity in their day to day, most standard issue rank is made from shiny brass with some black paint put over the top. This inevitably leads to the paint chipping away against flak jackets, et all, revealing the shiny beneath.

Can you blame Marines for saluting the mistaken sheen? Life aboard a Marine base is stressful as a junior enlisted. You are constantly on edge waiting for a Staff NCO or Officer to come around the corner and demand to be greeted–and greeted properly. God forbid you get the rank or rate wrong, even though collar rank is barely an inch wide.

Having never been an officer myself, I have to assume that the feeling of being saluted is elating. You simply exist, shiny and chrome, and the enlisted must acknowledge your existence by military law, with their disgusting un-shiny ranks atop their collars.

What a life.

I was born and raised on the west coast of our beautiful United States and have lived here my entire life (outside of my time as an infantry Marine with 3/3 in Hawaii). While the best coast is blessed with much less hurricane-y weather than our opposite end, devastating wildfires in Oregon and California are par for the course ’round these parts.

Between Twentynine Palms and Camp Pendleton, California is home to more Marines than any other state in the union. Knowing this, it seems like a missed opportunity to use their god-forsaken-given powers to fight these natural disasters.

If it aint raining, Marines aint training. Not by choice, of course, it just happens to rain everywhere Marines train. This is a natural phenomenon much like a desert mirage, or POG’s getting promoted to Corporal after like a year in the fleet. Send grunts out to the field, you’re guaranteed to get some rain.

After all, how else would they train?

The Marine Corps Exchange (colloquially known as the PX) is especially skilled at separating young Marines from their hard-earned paychecks. Among the top categories for junior enlisted to blow their cash on is the tactical section of every store, where the hottest coyote-brown gear from your favorite manufacturers is ready for the purchasing. How can one resist the allure of Oakley M-Frames with interchangeable lenses? You will surely be the most hardcore operator in your platoon when you show up in non-issued gear on your next field op.

There’s a social angle here too, as those that have the most privately purchased gear in place of their issued items is considered saltier and more experienced. Taking a whole custom chest rig out to the field looks so much cooler than having to wear the standard-issue (if your command allows it).

The Corps issues every Marine two disgusting, plastic, green canteens, but god forbid you actually use them.

Real Marines use Nalgene bottles hanging from a carabiner.

On a sidenote, I was turned off the green canteens personally because the very first ones I was issued in bootcamp had mold (and god knows what else) in them. I went to take a drink on day one and got a mouthful of nasties.

I suppose this should have been an indication of the kind of adventure I was in for…

As a nation, we’ve been talking about pulling out of Afghanistan for many years. Well, by talking about, I mean kind of thinking about doing it at some point. No real plan, just, like, I dunno, whenever.

Well, it seems that period of mulling it over is over. The US has essentially abandoned Bagram air field in the dark of night and left the Afghan government to fend for itself. Naturally, the Taliban has quickly moved in to claim vast swaths of territory.

I am not a veteran of the Afghanistan war (my war was in Iraq) but I know many Marines who are. (However, I did do a lot of research on the nation when I was working on Battle Born: Lapis Lazuli.) Afghanistan has historically always been a difficult place to fight a war, and the US is not the first to call it quits without a defined victory. I’ve seen mixed opinions across the board, some of it genuine and some of it hyper-partisan based on their opinion of the current administration (of course). At the end of the day, 20 years is a long time to be engaged in any war, and it was going to need to end at some point.

Better to pull the bandaid off in one motion, arm hairs and all, than to drag it out.

These are the four bosses of the Holiday 96 liberty brief. You must defeat them in order to enjoy your weekend.

This weekend is Independence Day, the day that America celebrates its EAS date from Great Britain in 1776. Since the holiday falls on a Sunday, you’re likely to get an extra day or two off for a coveted “96” holiday weekend. It is customary, then, that your chain of command waste your time on Friday afternoon to tell you all of the amazing things they want to tell you prior to you getting to enjoy yourself.

There are other bosses that were not depicted here due to brevity requirements, but rest assured, you’ll also be given a briefing by your Company First Sergeant, Platoon Commander, Platoon Sergeant, and ultimately your Squad Leader, who will most likely just tell you to fuck off peacefully into the night.

That’s all I got for you, gents. Enjoy the holiday.

The every day infantry life is full of little hacks and tricks to keep your life moving. One technique practiced across the Corps is the pack-slam. The pack-slam allows you to fit nearly anything and everything into your pack. You will never run out of room again if you utilize this technique.

It’s simple:

1. Pack is full?
2. Slam your fucking pack on the ground a bunch of times to jostle everything into place.
3. Fit anything else.

You’ll never be under-prepared for the field with this brilliant and efficient life hack. Sure, everything inside will be fucked, but it’s all issued shit anyway! Sounds like Uncle Sam’s problem.

Marines never die. Well, according to mythology at least. If we’re to believe the Marine’s Hymn, basically all Marines are guaranteed a spot in heaven. However, the song also dictates that Marines will be forced to work…

If the Army and the Navy ever look on heaven’s scenes, they will find the streets are guarded by the United States Marines

(What I like about this verse is that not only is it stating that Marines guard the streets of heaven, it’s a total dig at the Army and the Navy.)

I did my first comic about Memorial Day back in 2012, which was an observation about the dialog surrounding the veteran and military space around the time of Memorial Day. The point of the comic, and my blog post, was that it was more than okay to just enjoy Memorial Day and not to be dragged down by the self-righteous guilting of other veterans for not spending the day crying at graveyards or something. I’m happy to report that, nine years later, this toxic nonsense is alive and well, and in fact probably even worse.

What was once a solemn Monday holiday has now become a week-long competition leading up to it for every person even tangentially connected to the military to post a long-winded diatribe about the importance of the day and why you should feel bad.

Some people like to spend the day visiting national cemeteries, or just posting sad photos on social media. For me? Memorial Day is a day of silent reflection. I don’t feel the need or urge to make long-winded Facebook posts about it because my mind is filled with the lives and deaths of Marines I once knew. I sit and I play video games to try to quiet my brain. That’s basically all I do on Memorial Day.

However you decide to spend your Memorial Day, do it your own way, and don’t worry about what anyone else thinks.

Marines are a demographic of people that spend most of their time sleeping in the wilderness and fiercely battling both each other and other animals. It’s no wonder that they fit right into the animal kingdom, with all walks of life drawn to their wild aura. Marines are always told to leave the wildlife alone, but the wildlife never seems to want to leave Marines alone.

Despite their reputation as killers and their questionable taste in songs about little yellow birds, Marines actually tend to be quite fond of animals. Go to any Marine Corps installation and you’ll see a wide array of wildlife unafraid of people, because the people they live with live at peace with them. Marine Corps installations are also often home to endangered and protected species, from the bison of Camp Pendleton, to the Mojave desert tortoise of Twentynine Palms. In Hawaii, we had endangered booby birds living on the rifle range, where Marines were regularly shooting their weapons.

I recall training at the MOUT town of Schofield Barracks in Hawaii. We were in between training evolutions and some wild pigs came from the forrest to mingle with the Marines. These black pigs just hung out with us for like 30 minutes before scurrying back into the wild.

It is their wild nature that makes Marines closer kin to the animal kingdom than you’d initially think.

Real American Hero pic.twitter.com/cL2epKuPv8

— Terminal Lance (@TerminalLance) May 28, 2021

Also known as the Roach Coach, the Gut Slut, the Dragon Wagon (in Japan) and the Chalupacabra. The Gut Truck is a sight for sore eyes across the Corps for tired and thirsty Marines of all creeds. It gracefully arrives on the ranges, seemingly at random, to offer ice cold refreshments and warm food at ridiculous prices.

They may be expensive, but an icy cold White Monster in between ranges is worth whatever these dank and dirty Marines are willing to pay for it. In that sense, $9 for an energy drink might be considered a bargain.

These trucks come in different shapes and sizes. I believe most of them are run by MCCS or the base, but occasionally there are privately owned ones that come around as well to sell their wares to weary Marines.

In case you missed it, the CDC announced last week that we can stop masks and social distancing for people that are fully vaccinated. Of course, use your best judgement as to whether or not that pertains to you in your bi-annual gas chamber training.

It probably doesn’t.

The gas chamber is a ubiquitous Marine Corps experience that we all love to hate. Your first journey into the spicy bunker starts in boot camp, where you learn how to equip your issued mask and clear it, etc., in a room filled with CS (tear) gas. The training becomes bi-annual after that (or rarely if at all, depending on your unit).

If nothing else, the gas chamber is a fun place to watch recruits and Marines alike experience immense regret for their life decisions up to that point. It’s also great to clear out the sinuses.