Cease fire! Call the game warden, the range is closed until this fucking tortoise either goes away or someone can safely move it.
That’s right, an entire range, costing the United States military millions of dollars in manpower and equipment to run, will grind to a screeching halt in the event of a dumb fucking tortoise meandering into the middle of it. This is also true of the many other endangered animals that mysteriously like to inhabit dangerous Marine Corps training areas, like the Hawaiian Nēnē, the water buffalo of Camp Pendleton, and the booby birds of the MCBH rifle range.
No endangered animals are known to inhabit Camp Lejeune because it’s a shit hole and not even they want to live in Jacksonville.
Here’s an idea, endangered animals: MAYBE YOU WOULDN’T BE ENDANGERED IF YOU DIDN’T LIVE IN THE SAME PLACE WHERE MARINES SHOOT LIVE AMMO ALL FUCKING DAY.
Don’t get me wrong, I’m 100% onboard as a wildlife advocate, but there’s nothing more frustrating than being a grunt about to run Range 10 at PTA and having to wait six hours for some endangered fucking geese to figure out what the fuck they’re doing with their lives. And don’t even think about moving them yourselves, the tortoise could piss itself and die. That’s not a joke.
It will piss itself and die.
What a majestic fucking animal.
On an unrelated note, this weekend I sat down with my friend Marissa and recorded a podcast for her show. Check it out here!