The reason I decided not to make fun of “The King’s Speech” is really because I haven’t seen it. I did, however, see last year’s Best Picture winner, “The Hurt Locker,” and it made me want to gouge out my prostate with an MRE spoon. This isn’t the first time I’ve brought up Kathryn Bigelow’s wretched excuse for an Iraq film, but it is the first time I’ve brought it up in any illustrated form.

I could go on for days about why I hated The Hurt Locker. For any of you reading that don’t understand the unabridged rage I feel when it is mentioned, I’ll just tell you that beneath the shallow characters, the worthless storyline, the poorly researched military aspects and the tepid underlying themes–what bothered me the most is that Gears of War didn’t come out until 2006, and you can clearly see one of the soldiers playing it on an XBOX 360–a system that didn’t come out until 2005.

The film takes place in 2004.

As far as the Oscars went, I was happy to see Natalie Portman win best actress for Black Swan. I personally loved that film, and while I was cheering for The Social Network to win Best Picture, I was secretly hoping Black Swan would pull an underdog. I absolutely loved David Fincher’s The Social Network, though; and although Inception had a fairly successful Oscar night, I think it lost it’s chance at winning Best Picture by being largely forgotten by the time the fall rolled around. Summer releases are ideal for blockbusters, but they don’t tend to stick in peoples’ minds come Oscar season.

In the end though, what I was most upset about the Oscars this year was the fact that the baby in Natalie Portman’s womb isn’t mine.