Terminal Lance #538 “Phase One”

Don’t get too close to the recruits… Not only are they laced with more diseases than rubella-stricken children of anti-vaxxers, but they also smell deeply of hand sanitizer and farts. Boot camp is a disgusting place, filled with badly shaven teenagers and the crushed souls of the damned, underscored by the distant echoes of frog-voiced drill instructors screaming their anger away.

People talk about the honorable work that Drill Instructors do for the Corps and Country, and I am inclined to agree. I don’t know how they do it. Cellulitis, pink eye, pneumonia, bronchitis, and other mostly eradicated diseases make regular appearances at the Marine Recruit Depots so much that it would put a 1950’s quarantine ward to shame. Drill Instructors deserve a goddamn medal or a 96 or something for their honorable work corralling these fucking plague rats every day.

For the next war, I suggest instead of sending the recruits to the fleet we just send them to the frontlines midway through phase two. With all these idiotic anti-vax parents out there, you know the next generation of recruits is going to be a biological weapon in of itself filled with ancient bacterias and antibiotic resistant pandemics.

Jihadi Joe is going to start worrying less about IED’s and AK-47’s to defend himself and more about MSRA and polio.