Maximilian

Creator


Terminal Lance “The Places You’ll Go”

May 29, 2020

Every Marine Corps installation is surrounded by some weird little small town that pretty much only exists because the base exists and married Marines need somewhere to spend their BAH. Camp Pendleton is actually home to both Oceanside and San Clemente. Both of which are actually pretty nice. The only really negative thing you can say about them is that they’re full of boots on liberty from SOI, but that’s to be expected anywhere.

Outside of Camp Lejeune is the quintessential Marine town known as Jacksonville. Being a west coast guy, I’ve never been, but I hear it’s… Nice.

Of course, Twentynine Palms is home to… Well… Twentynine Palms. The California desert oasis is the kind of place no one chooses to live, but many people end up. It drips with the aura of small town rural America combined with the unique trials and tribulations of western desert life.

Naturally, there are others, but those are the biggest bases. I was stationed in Hawaii, which had Kailua right outside of it. There’s nothing funny about it, because Kailua is fucking awesome and Teddy’s Bigger Burger is my shit.



Maximilian

Creator

Terminal Lance #496 “The Warrior’s Club”

October 20, 2017

Welcome, weary traveler!

In need of a pint of fine ale? Or perhaps just a cool seat in the blistering heat? Welcome then to the Camp Wilson Warrior Club!

Enjoy our splendorous offerings of the finest burgers, curly fries, chicken strips, fish sticks and more! Take refuge from the hot desert sands with an ice cold Coca-Cola product in our finest of facilities!

Not hungry? Fear not! Assorted activities of the finest entertainment await you for mere quarters!

Aye, there is nary a thing the Warrior Club cannot provide to the battle-tired denizens of Camp Wilson. Join us for a drink, or simply to gather with your friends and watch network news on our selection of digital televisions!

Refuge awaits you at the Warrior Club, warrior. Come by today! (Subject to command approval)

 

Maximilian

Creator

Terminal Lance #485 “Mojave Rain”

July 25, 2017

In case you hadn’t heard, it rained in Twentynine Palms yesterday.

Marines have a tumultuous relationship with rain in most parts of the Corps. However, in Twentynine Palms, the story is much different. Don’t believe me? Look at how much the Marines of the desert lost their shit yesterday because of some precipitation.

It rained in Twentynine Palms yesterday. #marinecorps #marines #terminallance #usmc #military

A post shared by Terminal Lance (@terminallance) on

It rained in Twentynine Palms yesterday. #marinecorps #marines #terminallance #usmc #military

A post shared by Terminal Lance (@terminallance) on

It rained in Twentynine Palms yesterday. #marinecorps #marines #terminallance #usmc #military

A post shared by Terminal Lance (@terminallance) on

This was an event.

Can you blame them? Life in Twentynine Palms is so sad that a tiny bit of rain is essentially a base-wide snow-day. So while most Marines scoff at the curse of rain in the field, Marines in Twentynine Palms beg for even just a little bit of water to hit the tops of their covers. Anything that breaks the monotony of the desert is a welcome change of pace.

One can only hope that the rain suppressed the smell of Lake Bandini for even just a day.

Click to buy!

 

Maximilian

Creator

Terminal Lance #453 “Cease Fire”

January 17, 2017

Cease fire! Call the game warden, the range is closed until this fucking tortoise either goes away or someone can safely move it.

That’s right, an entire range, costing the United States military millions of dollars in manpower and equipment to run, will grind to a screeching halt in the event of a dumb fucking tortoise meandering into the middle of it. This is also true of the many other endangered animals that mysteriously like to inhabit dangerous Marine Corps training areas, like the Hawaiian Nēnē, the water buffalo of Camp Pendleton, and the booby birds of the MCBH rifle range.

Gangway, motherfuckers.

Gangway, motherfuckers.

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Nene

Boob

Boob

No endangered animals are known to inhabit Camp Lejeune because it’s a shit hole and not even they want to live in Jacksonville.

Here’s an idea, endangered animals: MAYBE YOU WOULDN’T BE ENDANGERED IF YOU DIDN’T LIVE IN THE SAME PLACE WHERE MARINES SHOOT LIVE AMMO ALL FUCKING DAY.

Fuck!

Don’t get me wrong, I’m 100% onboard as a wildlife advocate, but there’s nothing more frustrating than being a grunt about to run Range 10 at PTA and having to wait six hours for some endangered fucking geese to figure out what the fuck they’re doing with their lives. And don’t even think about moving them yourselves, the tortoise could piss itself and die. That’s not a joke.

It will piss itself and die.

Okay.

What a majestic fucking animal.

On an unrelated note, this weekend I sat down with my friend Marissa and recorded a podcast for her show. Check it out here!