Terminal Lance “Barracks Lawyer II”

March 27, 2021

Amendment III: No Soldier shall, in time of peace be quartered in any house, without the consent of the Owner, nor in time of war, but in a manner to be prescribed by law.

Seems pretty clear-cut to me that the 3rd Amendment of the United States Constitution was designed to stop would-be Jodie soldiers from bedding in places they aren’t supposed to. A soldier (specifically) sleeping in another man’s house surely makes the cut here, legally speaking. The founding fathers of the United States truly planned for everything.

Of course, a constitutional loophole is that this clearly only applies to Army soldiers, and not Marines, Sailors or Airmen. Maybe the founding fathers didn’t think of everything, after all.

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Terminal Lance “Barracks Lawyer”

September 19, 2020

In every barracks exists one Marine that’s been through the ringer so many times, he has become an expert on Marine Corps Orders and regulations, and all matters pertaining to the Uniform Code of Military Justice (UCMJ). That Marine is the Barracks Lawyer, and he’s there to represent you in your time of need.

He knows that Article 134 is a bland catch-all that essentially means nothing. If you take it to Court-Martial, there’s no way they can prove beyond a reasonable doubt that you did anything wrong.

You got this in the bag, bro. They got nothing on you.

The reality is that he’s probably right. While many Marines make mistakes worth real punishment, some just get burned by their command for the sake of getting burned. In these unfortunate instances, when you’ve been truly wronged by a system that cares more about itself than its Marines, its time to seek out a barracks lawyer.



Terminal Lance “Social Distancing”

March 20, 2020

While nearly all infantry Marines are renown for their ability to entertain themselves in times of intense boredom, there is a subset of this group that takes it even a step further into absolute mastery. These are the line company’s Restriction Marines. Locked away in their barracks with little to nothing to do but go to the chow hall and check in with the duty 3 times a day, Restriction Marines have developed all manner of techniques and skills to keep themselves entertained amidst a total lack of stimuli.

As an anecdote of my own experience, a group of restricted Marines in my company had developed a game of baseball using nothing more than a stop watch and a notepad. You start the stopwatch and try to stop it at exactly 20:00 seconds. On the mark is a home run, and within .03 seconds is first, second, or third base. Outside of that is a foul ball. You get three strikes. The Marines split into two teams and played stopwatch baseball for hours.

Truly masters of their craft.

As we all get quarantined in our homes and barracks amidst the global pandemic of coronavirus, we could all stand to learn a thing or two from the life of the party of every platoon… The Marines on restriction.



Terminal Lance #561 “The Clown”

November 1, 2019

The Career Jammer (as he’s affectionately known, colloquially) is a close relative of the Recruiter. Both Marines are specially trained in their fields of deceiving people, perhaps even so much that they believe the lies themselves. While the Recruiter specializes in prowling for underage and underprivileged children, the Career Planner preys on young Corporals coming up on their looming EAS dates.

Retention goals abound, they are tasked with convincing the next generation of young men and women that they should enlist yet another four years of their lives in the service of Uncle Sam’s Misguided Children.

They will tell you that, with your newfound NCO status, you’ll be treated with respect this time. You can choose where you want to go. Like a desperate, abusive partner, they’ll tell you the second time will be better. They promise.

Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice…

…Consider me a clown.



Terminal Lance #557 “Restriction”

August 30, 2019

Before we begin this post, I just want to take a moment to honor all of my boys that can’t be with us today because they’re on restriction in the barracks. May they yeet in peace in between their hourly check-ins with the duty desk.

Restriction is one of those uniquely military things that only kind of makes sense in context, and would be absolutely outlandish in the civilian world. You see, the reason they call the weekends and other days off “liberty” is because you are off work at the liberty of your commanders. Your time doesn’t belong to you, it belongs to the Marine Corps. It’s important to see it this way, because the Marine Corps considers that liberty a gift.

A gift that can be taken away.

Do something dumb enough and you’ll land yourself on “Restriction” status, which is where all your friends go have fun and you get stuck back at the barracks day and night, in uniform, being forced to check in with the duty every hour and do menial work. In typical military fashion, this punishment is nonjudicial, and is basically a long, annoying time out.

So while all of you are out this weekend, make sure to keep in your thoughts and prayers those Marines stuck in cammies in the barracks that couldn’t be with you. Thoughts and prayers.



Terminal Lance #520 “The Birth of a Lifer”

June 12, 2018

Seeing your friends reenlist is always a sad moment. On one hand, you want to be supportive of their decision, even though you know it’s bad; quite like watching your best friend get engaged to that horrible woman everyone hates and knows is terrible for him. On the other, you know that you’ll probably never see them again, and they’ll have to skip starting that irreverent veteran T-shirt/coffee company you were planning in favor of their new career.

Worse yet, you know they’ll eventually turn to the dark side of the Corps. No longer content with the goings on of the Lance Corporal, they soon crave power and malice. You watch their souls slowly disintegrate as they become NCO’s, and then Staff NCO’s. You watch from Facebook as they proudly pin on rocker after rocker, knowing full well they’ve become the very thing they swore to hate when you were all young.

It’s sad, but it happens all the time, and all you can really do is sit back and watch.

If you know someone who might be thinking about reenlisting, tell them that the Post 9/11 GI Bill is totally a great alternative.