Maximilian

Creator


Terminal Lance #550 “Technological Advantage”

June 7, 2019

Life as a junior enlisted Marine is arduous enough as it is, what with the constant, ever-flowing stream of bullshit drifting your way each and every day. Miscellaneous Staff NCO’s make that life even more annoying, as they seem to be lurking around nearly every corner on base (and sometimes even off base) to “correct” you in behavior that is deemed as unbecoming of the Corps. This is naturally more tedious than it sounds, since this is never about anything important, but random slights that no one is actually sure are real rules.

Forgetting to shave, not wearing a belt, or even just walking on some grass can be grounds for a massively butt-hurt lifer Staff NCO to spawn out of nowhere and make you the victim of his undiagnosed anger management problems. Even leaving your barracks room with a day old shave makes you feel uneasy, because you know they are lurking, seemingly everywhere, specifically to make your life that extra bit miserable than it needs to be.

Meet Lyfr, the app that lets Staff NCO’s track down Marines that may (or may not) be breaking arbitrary base-wide or MCO rules that no one cares about.

Be careful out there this weekend, gents… You never know who might pop up to yell at you.



Maximilian

Creator

Terminal Lance “Obsessive Compulsive”

January 11, 2019

Oh… This explains a lot. Staff NCO’s can’t stand seeing even a speck of dirt, or uneven grass, or uneven lines in the sand. They will go out of their way to make sure every aspect of a Marine Corps installation is perfect, because all of them have intense, undiagnosed OCD (and potentially tourettes syndrome).

Why pay for therapy when you can just yell at Lance Corporals to make you feel better?

Terminal Lance connoisseurs will notice that this comic was previously published in the Marine Times. Terminal Lance is on a bit of a hiatus at the moment while I finish up my next major project. Fear not! Terminal Lance isn’t going anywhere, and new comics will return shortly.

Stay tuned for more news and official announcements by the end of the month…

Maximilian

Creator

Terminal Lance #534 “Standard Issue”

December 18, 2018

The Marine Corps issues its members a variety of gear and clothing associated with the position of killing for Uncle Sam. One of those that is rather understated is the luxurious, soft and shitty underbody of the Staff NCO. Upon reaching Staff NCO status—usually in your mid-to-late twenties and after popping out a few kids with your shotgun marriage wife from your Lance Corporal days—your body goes through some… changes.

This is most regularly expressed in the form of the dad-bod. The dad-bod is a specialized shape of male fitness provided by years of neglect and beer. All Staff NCO’s are typically given a dad-bod upon reaching the higher enlisted ranks.

…Or if they’re not, you’d certainly think they are.

I haven’t posted in a bit, but I’m sure if you follow Terminal Lance on other avenues you probably noticed the continuing drama between myself and the abstract social media policies at large of the Marine Corps. Simply put, I think the Marine Corps has (in typical Marine fashion) misunderstood the intent of the social media guidelines created in the wake of the Marines United scandal a couple of years ago.

What began in earnest as a way to protect women and other Marines against online harassment has spiraled into a dogmatic witch-hunt against any Marines appearing on social media for anything ever. Unit commanders get nervous, fearing that a video of a Marine doing something funny will get them in trouble. After all, everyone answers to someone. So, as a response, they do silly shit like demand that a video get taken down from a private, civilian-owned company under threat of revoking an entire battalion’s liberty on Thanksgiving.

For the record, I find this to be an outright act of cowardice and a disgrace to the Corps values that these people pretend to embody. That’s really all I can say about it, other than the fact that Terminal Lance’s social media policy is not the Marine Corps’ social media policy. Last week, a representative from the Marine Corps’ media relations offered to have a conversation with me about it, but when I called he never picked up or called me back.

Oh well.

Maximilian

Creator

Terminal Lance “The Suck Sucks”

August 17, 2018

Don’t give them ideas, because they’re always looking for ways they can make your life worse. By “they” I mean your command, and by your command I mean literally anyone that’s in charge of you.

Marines (and other branches) are often known colloquially as “brothers in arms,” which is an apt description of the familial relationship that Marines have with each other. They love each other, but also low-key hate each other and kind of want to see them suffer any chance they can. If you’ve ever had a brother, you know what I’m talking about. I suppose that’s why they don’t call Marines “cousins in arms.” Also probably so the Marines from Alabama don’t start trying to fuck each other.

Never forget, it could always be better too.

Maximilian

Creator

Terminal Lance #519 “A Glitch in the Matrix”

June 5, 2018

This is how Staff NCO’s are made. Every Marine knows this one simple truth: whenever you forget to shave or get a haircut, or otherwise don’t do something you know you were supposed to, some Staff NCO will appear out of nowhere to chew your ass. You could be stranded on a desert island with nothing but your thoughts and an imaginary friend you’ve built out of your own human hair, and somehow a Staff NCO will materialize from nothing to ruin your day.

This is one of those supernatural aspects of the Corps. You see, Staff NCO’s are dark agents of the green weenie, gifted with unnatural powers to serve its diabolical deeds. They have a particular set of skills, and they will find you. Be it at the PX, at home on leave, or in your own barracks room… You can never escape the watchful green eye.

Stay on guard, warriors of the light. Your butthole depends on it.

Maximilian

Creator

Terminal Lance #459 “Higher and Tighter”

February 21, 2017

As the Staff NCO moves up, his hairline follows. This is the unwritten rule, a creed by which all Staff NCO’s are bound. While this comic just illustrates the beginning, this will eventually culminate into the highest and tightest of haircuts: the Screaming Eagle.

Know this, however, that the Screaming Eagle haircut is actually a scream for help. Help from within; for inside of every Staff NCO is a Lance Corporal wondering what happened. Every knife-hand filled with regret, and the regrets beget new knife-hands in its place. Every ass-chewing a lament, ruing the weight of the rockers upon their collarbones.

Luckily for him, base barbers are experts at crafting the $7 art piece to sit atop one’s head, an ever obvious indication of their cry for help.

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I apologize for the absence last week, I was in London yet again visiting my beloved for Valentine’s Day. In the meantime, I’m really happy that Jeff Sornig was able to fill in for me in the interim. He’s a super talented guy working here in LA at Nickelodeon, a retired Master Sergeant, and all around cool dude. You can see more of his work here. I was slightly absent in the upcoming to my trip, only because I was trying to finish up a new Terminal Lance project before I left…

I was thinking of trying to do some kind of travel blog thingy during my trip to London, but I was jet-lagged as fuck for the first 3 days and then sick as a dog the remainder of the trip.

For the record, I am currently back stateside, so look forward to more TL on Friday! In the meantime, follow the official TL channels on Twitter, Instagram and FB for more hilarity.

Check the buttons below.

Maximilian

Creator

Terminal Lance #452 “Defense Mechanism”

January 10, 2017

In Abe’s defense, his company First Sergeant hasn’t shown to historically be the most friendly toward his kind.

There’s very few reasons for a Lance Corporal to be in a First Sergeant’s office at all, and at least half of those reasons involve cleaning the floors. Generally speaking, Lance Corporals should never talk to anyone over the rank of Sergeant unless something is terribly wrong. This is why fraternization rules are so important. Why the hell would you want to hang out with a Staff NCO anyway? Doesn’t seem to stop some, but to each their own.

The relationship between Staff NCO’s and the lower enlisted variety is often one of significant give and take. They give you shit and you take it. This leads to one ultimate outcome: you either get out after 4 years because you don’t like taking shit, or you reenlist so you can inevitably give shit to someone else (and enjoy it immensely).

Naturally, I chose the former, which brought us to this webcomic.

Plenty more to come, stay tuned…