Terminal Lance “Area 51”

July 23, 2019

Boy they sure are going to be disappointed when they get to Area 51 and it’s just another really boring air wing base filled with POG’s. I would say the aliens aboard Area 51 probably aren’t even attractive enough to have sex with, but it’s an Air Force base and everyone is attractive.

Have I mentioned before that the Air Force is bizarro Marine Corps? Everything is the opposite.

They have an Area 51… We have a 51 Area at Camp Pendleton. Area 51 is super famous, mysterious, and full of hot aliens that everyone wants to dick down. 51 Area has like… a gas station Marine Mart MCX? Not nearly as interesting, but it’s all we have.

In the meantime, do me a solid and don’t tell the general public that Marines don’t actually know anything about Area 51… It’ll help me out with something.



Terminal Lance #549 “Meet the Fleet”

May 31, 2019

During your stay at the luxurious Marine Corps resort and spa, you’ll have numerous days and moments that will stick with you and many that you would consider somewhat terrifying. There are few days as nerve-wracking as those first moments of arrival at an infantry unit.

Fresh off the parade deck, little boots from SOI are shuttled over to their new place of duty on the same day of graduation, still paying off their negative leave balance from the 10 days of boot leave a couple of months prior. For some, it can be a short drive across the base from 52 Area of Camp Pendleton to one of the infantry strongholds. Others may spend a couple of hours driving over to Twentynine Palms.

For myself and the other 15 boots in my section, we were taken over to San Diego International Airport, where we hopped on the next evening flight to Honolulu, arriving at my new infantry battalion home sometime around 9 or 10. At this point, the barracks was awash with the lingering smell of alcohol abuse and depression, with shirtless Lance Corporals catcalling from the catwalk as we arrived at Mackie Hall.

I suppose I lucked out personally, because the two Machinegunners I got roomed with were too drunk and tired to care that I arrived. They pointed to a rack and said “that one’s yours,” and went back to sleep in their silkies.

The boot friends that I arrived with?

Well they weren’t as lucky. They were fucked with until the wee hours of the morning.



Terminal Lance #501 “Everything New is Old Again”

January 23, 2018

To be honest, most of the things that happen in the Corps have little purpose other than to mess with you and keep you miserable. In reality, infantry Marines probably don’t really need to go to SOI at all. Well, the weapons MOS’s probably should learn some baseline stuff specific to their jobs like mortars and the soon-to-be-defunct Assaultmen; but the rest can and probably should just be taught on the fly. ITB and SOI teach you one set of skills that are rarely translated into the fleet, at least not specifically. I suppose there’s merit to doing the multitude of hikes across the alpha shelf of Camp Pendleton, but very little else is going to make it to your final destination.

When I arrived at 3/3 in Hawaii, I was told nearly this same thing.

Forget everything you’ve learned so far.

Well. Shit. I mean. That’s all I’ve got. The MCRD recruit depot doesn’t teach you how to do convoy operations in Iraq, nor does ITB–but that’s what I ended up doing when it mattered most. The idea of boot camp itself has shifted from being an actual training event to being more of a symbolic rite of passage. “Breaking you down” is more important for boot camp than any knowledge you’re taught. It’s worth noting, however, that there were actually Marines in the Korean War that never even went to boot camp, yet earned the title of Marine on the battlefield.

At the very least, I learned in boot camp that you can have pink eye in both eyes coupled with pneumonia all at once, and it fucking sucks.

On a sidenote, shout out to Bridgeport, where I’ll be freezing my balls off next week with the Marines in the field. As well, shout out to Publisher’s Weekly for giving the upcoming Terminal Lance Ultimate Omnibus some kind words, including comparing me to the legendary Bill Mauldin. I’m incredibly honored to be held in such high regard, and the Ultimate Omnibus is available April 24th in stores everywhere, preorder now!