Terminal Lance “History in the Making”

February 20, 2021

For the first time in history, women have begun training as Marines at the Marine Corps Recruit Depot in San Diego, marking a historic first for “Hollywood Marines.” [Marines trained in San Diego are colloquially known as Hollywood Marines, despite the fact that Hollywood is absolutely nowhere near San Diego.]

This is of course a complete non-issue for most sane people, but it hasn’t stopped the vocal minority of Angry Facebook Veterans from espousing their displeasure at the idea that… Women are being trained in a new location? This doesn’t make any logical sense, since women have been in the Marine Corps since Opha May Johnson in 1918. The idea that there’s some sacred tradition of not training women in San Diego is the most neckbeard incel shit I’ve ever heard.

Some people still don’t believe that recruits go to the Padres game at MCRD San Diego, but I am here to tell you that they in fact do. I went to the game myself when I was a recruit, and I stuffed my fat fucking face with all of the junk food I could buy. Women will now be graced with this blessed excursion from the Depot, if only for a couple of hours.

Let them eat hot dogs.



Terminal Lance “La Enfermedad Fina”

March 3, 2020

Coronavirus is wreaking havoc across the globe and we all know who is to blame… Recruits. Any Drill Instructor can tell you that recruits are the most renown and reliable of disease vectors, carrying a microscopic world of unknown and undiscovered pathogens across every square inch of their nasty bodies.

While most people live their lives with the occasional seasonal cold here and there, recruits spend the entirety of twelve weeks aboard the recruit depots exchanging and developing new potentially weaponizable in the dank crevices of their squad bays. Take one step into a recruit squad bay and risk walking out with incurable super-bugs that could wipe out all of China.

I’ve read a lot of conspiracies regarding the Coronavirus pandemic gripping the headlines, but the only one I believe is that the recruits of MCRD are to blame and China is the coverup.

Open your eyes, sheeple…

…And fill them with hand sanitizer, because recruits carry and spread pink eye.

On an incredibly unrelated note, my new book, Battle Born: Lapis Lazuli is available for preorder. This is a 352 page FULL COLOR hardcover graphic novel from yours truly, the creator of Terminal Lance. Battle Born is the story of Marine Sgt. King in the mountainous Badakhshan province, fighting for the heart of Afghanistan against the Taliban. Please check it out here.



Terminal Lance #570 “The Ultimate Gamble”

January 24, 2020

There’s a lot of different people that join the Marine Corps. Some are pragmatic and measured in their decisions, factoring in a variety of different life variables in what should be a fairly major life decision of joining the US military. Maybe they’re thinking about career prospects in the future. What MOS should I pick that I can use to get into a lucrative career? Or maybe you’re an artist looking for an experience that enriches the soul, so you join the infantry, hoping to find that something that you don’t quite know…

…Or maybe you just straight up don’t give a fuck and you go open contract.

This is the ultimate gamble for the enlisted Marine, vesting your fate solely in Lady Luck. Perhaps you are a gambling addict, or maybe you grew up in Las Vegas. Maybe you have a disease of the brain that prevents you from making smart decisions, or maybe you have a terminal disease and you just don’t give a fuck where you go anymore.

These are the kinds of people that go open contract.

Open contract can lead you anywhere from the trenches of war as infantry, to the trenches of the chow hall as a cook. The options are limitless. Those who choose this option are the Marine Corps’ ultimate thrill seekers.

Would you take the gamble?



Terminal Lance #563 “Bootcamp: Winners and Losers”

December 3, 2019

While it might seem cruel for a Drill Instructor to bet against his own recruits, I want to assure you it is only because they truly hate you and want you to fail. We make fun of Drill Instructors a lot around here–it’s hard not to, with their frog voices and often exaggerated character traits–but the life of a Drill Instructor is actually quite miserable in itself.

Herding a platoon of 60+, badly shaven and terribly odorous 18 year olds has to be among the worst jobs in America. I would call it similar to herding cats, except cats actually clean themselves and don’t spread pink eye and cellulitis to their owners (not discounting brain parasites). While the life of the recruit itself is certainly not something to admire in any context, imagine being the one responsible for keeping them in their constant state of misery. Sure it sucks to be woken up at 5am every morning by a sweaty, screaming rageaholic; but imagine waking up at 4:30 just so you can get dressed and go yell at these nasty bodies.

You are there day and night, from sunrise til sunset, the first and last thing they see… Like a kind of fucked up momma bird to a room full of plague rats.

Make no mistake, I admire them, but I do not envy the Drill Instructor.

It’s not their fault they’re so angry…

…You’d be too.



Terminal Lance #538 “Phase One”

February 26, 2019

Don’t get too close to the recruits… Not only are they laced with more diseases than rubella-stricken children of anti-vaxxers, but they also smell deeply of hand sanitizer and farts. Boot camp is a disgusting place, filled with badly shaven teenagers and the crushed souls of the damned, underscored by the distant echoes of frog-voiced drill instructors screaming their anger away.

People talk about the honorable work that Drill Instructors do for the Corps and Country, and I am inclined to agree. I don’t know how they do it. Cellulitis, pink eye, pneumonia, bronchitis, and other mostly eradicated diseases make regular appearances at the Marine Recruit Depots so much that it would put a 1950’s quarantine ward to shame. Drill Instructors deserve a goddamn medal or a 96 or something for their honorable work corralling these fucking plague rats every day.

For the next war, I suggest instead of sending the recruits to the fleet we just send them to the frontlines midway through phase two. With all these idiotic anti-vax parents out there, you know the next generation of recruits is going to be a biological weapon in of itself filled with ancient bacterias and antibiotic resistant pandemics.

Jihadi Joe is going to start worrying less about IED’s and AK-47’s to defend himself and more about MSRA and polio.