Terminal Lance #568 “Reinforcements Inbound”

January 10, 2020

Baghdad, Iraq, zero-three-hundred hours… You’re jolted awake in your sleeping bag by a loud rumbling at your side… An enemy attack? You’re not sure. You unzip the bag and pop your head out to take a look… It’s your racist uncle, fast asleep. He forgot his sleep apnea machine and his snores are louder than any mortar you’ve heard so far.

There’s obviously a very touchy geopolitical situation going on in the Middle East right now. Tensions are on the rise as the threat of war with Iran looms over the heads of our young men and women deployed to Iraq. They may or may not have feelings of their own about the situation. Most of the time spent as a Marine is just doing what you’re told, whether you want to or not. Your opinion, as a Marine, doesn’t matter there.

Of course, the opinions on the internet of divorced alcoholics with enlarged prostates don’t really matter either, but that sure doesn’t stop them from putting them all over the internet. As with anything that would be better off without them (like their ex-wives), the hardline Facebook Veterans are out in full force, stumping for a war with Iran that they won’t have to fight.

Let’s send them, I say. In the great words of Ken Watanabe…



Terminal Lance #553 “Bridge the Divide”

July 19, 2019

There’s no greater tool to understand another culture than empathy. As we’ve explored before, life as an officer in the military is very different than life as a peasant an enlisted member. The military is one of the few professions on earth where a 4 year bachelor’s degree immediately qualifies you for irreproachable god-status within the organization. You get much better pay, housing, O-Club access, general wellbeing and treatment, and more attractive women by becoming an Officer of Marines over the lowly enlisted.

Marine Corps uniforms are full of great history and symbolism. The shiny ranks of the officer represent a beacon of light that may guide us in our darkest of hours. The blackened rank worn on the enlisted collar is to represent the dirty, unkempt underclass that lives in the shadow of the glorious Commissioned Officer.

Of course, none of this is true, but we could all benefit from trying to understand each other better every once in a while.




Terminal Lance #545 “Officer Life”

April 30, 2019

Life in the Marine Corps can often be described as depressing…Or soul-destroying… Or just generally awful… Unless of course you’re a Commissioned Officer. Once they are adorned with those beautifully shiny ranks, officers of Marines become a whole different class of human in the world of the military. They demand to be addressed as “Sir,” simply for existing in your presence, and their paychecks equally demand to be exponentially larger than yours at all times. You must salute them as they walk by as if they were the colors themselves!

Of course, being an Officer of Marines isn’t without its challenges. For instance… Uh…

Who am I kidding? Officer life exists on an entirely different plane of existence from the lowly peasant enlisted class. The only bad part? The enlisted Marines know it. Not that it matters, but filling your empty life with hookers and expensive cars can only make one so happy, I’m sure.

Very happy.

In other news, I’m not going to bother saying much about the whole swastika thing but if you want to get my full take on it, listen to today’s Zero Blog Thirty episode where I explain that whole fucking thing. Long story short, if you’re a grown ass man and you need someone to tell you not to send swastikas in uniform to (Jewish) people you don’t know, you’re long past my ability to help you.



Terminal Lance “The Natural Age Progression of a Weapons Platoon Commander II”

September 26, 2017

Yesterday saw the official graduation of the first ever female Marine Corps Infantry Officer from Infantry Officer Course, and I have a feeling she will immediately regret it when she realizes that her job is akin to herding 45 hyper-masculine, sexually frustrated cats. There’s always a lot of noise around these sorts of events, but I can’t help but wonder if the glory of making history fades slow or fast when the reality sets in that the infantry is actually quite miserable.

Sure, it’s an accomplishment, but so is punching yourself in the face 100 times and would probably be less damaging to your body in the long run than being in the Marine Corps infantry.

Years back, the stereotype of the infantryman was one of the idiot. The term “grunt” being used affectionately, but also derogatorily as someone who couldn’t score high enough marks to do some POG job. The old requirement for being infantry was simply being able to do 3 pull-ups and being able to point a rifle in the correct direction. This changed almost immediately as soon as women were up on the chopping block for combat roles, adding a few more hurdles into the qualifications in an effort to weed out the “weak.”

This is bullshit, of course, since these steeper requirements didn’t exist prior to last year. As a grunt myself, I can tell you that most of the guys I served with in Iraq would not have been able to fireman carry me in full gear to save my life, were it necessary. Suddenly, being infantry has become the most prestigious of titles, reserved only for the most fit and amazing of Marines.

With that said, I’ve always been partial to the infantry on this site, so I don’t mind the newfound reverence. There are still many out there decrying the entrance of women into the infantry as part of a long debate spanning a few years now.

For my part, I think we’re well past the point of debate, so long as the rifles stay pointed in the correct direction.