Maximilian

Creator


Terminal Lance #490 “Island Hopping”

August 29, 2017

Leave it to the Marine Corps to take one of the nicest places in the world and turn it into one of the most miserable locales I’ve ever had the displeasure of visiting.

Pohakuloa Training Area (colloquially known as PTA), is the largest training area in the Pacific, offering Hawaii Marines a chance to shoot some of their bigger and badder weapons for a couple of weeks each year. Anybody that was infantry or arty from MCBH Kaneohe Bay (yours truly) has been here, and as a denizen of both, I can tell you that it’s profoundly worse than the ubiquitous Camp Wilson of Twentynine Palms.

For the most part, you won’t spend a lot of time at the actual encampment of PTA, as most of your short time on this terrible volcanic rock will be spent sleeping in the dirt out on the ranges. With that said, with the lack of the constant Marine presence you find at Camp Wilson, the PTA camp is minimally staffed and largely miserable. A singular, dank little MCX store exists with limited hours of operation, and good luck standing in line at the shitty little pizza shop when your entire company is given liberty for the night.

Of course, this isn’t even going into the depressing, black landscape you’ll spend your nights in. Down Saddleback Road, you’ll find a plethora of large ranges for Marines to attack. You’d think Hawaii would be a nicer place to shoot than Twentynine Palms, but I would trade the heat for the constant rain any day of the week.

Don’t think that these ranges are immune to the powers of a range-stopping endangered animal like the Mojave Desert Tortoise, either. While short on boxed reptiles, the island is home to the Hawaiian state bird, the Nēnē. Should one of these endangered geese fly into your platoon’s range time, you can expect at least a few hours of ceasefire while the game warden tries to figure out how to remove the bird without disrupting it.

If you’re a Hawaii Marine and you’re on your way to PTA in the near future, I wish you the best of luck. God hath forsaken these lands, and you will need it.

Aloha, motherfuckers.



Maximilian

Creator

Terminal Lance #453 “Cease Fire”

January 17, 2017

Cease fire! Call the game warden, the range is closed until this fucking tortoise either goes away or someone can safely move it.

That’s right, an entire range, costing the United States military millions of dollars in manpower and equipment to run, will grind to a screeching halt in the event of a dumb fucking tortoise meandering into the middle of it. This is also true of the many other endangered animals that mysteriously like to inhabit dangerous Marine Corps training areas, like the Hawaiian Nēnē, the water buffalo of Camp Pendleton, and the booby birds of the MCBH rifle range.

Gangway, motherfuckers.

Gangway, motherfuckers.

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Nene

Boob

Boob

No endangered animals are known to inhabit Camp Lejeune because it’s a shit hole and not even they want to live in Jacksonville.

Here’s an idea, endangered animals: MAYBE YOU WOULDN’T BE ENDANGERED IF YOU DIDN’T LIVE IN THE SAME PLACE WHERE MARINES SHOOT LIVE AMMO ALL FUCKING DAY.

Fuck!

Don’t get me wrong, I’m 100% onboard as a wildlife advocate, but there’s nothing more frustrating than being a grunt about to run Range 10 at PTA and having to wait six hours for some endangered fucking geese to figure out what the fuck they’re doing with their lives. And don’t even think about moving them yourselves, the tortoise could piss itself and die. That’s not a joke.

It will piss itself and die.

Okay.

What a majestic fucking animal.

On an unrelated note, this weekend I sat down with my friend Marissa and recorded a podcast for her show. Check it out here!