Terminal Lance “Coronabusiness”

March 13, 2020

The world is crumbling to virally infected pieces and there’s nothing more American than capitalizing on it. While civilians flock and fight their way to the toilet paper aisles across America, Marines have a secret advantage… Every MRE comes with a weird little pack of toilet paper that is usually thrown away and forgotten about. In these trying times? This is a profitable endeavor for any Marine willing to rat-fuck their way to financial success.

Marines are possibly the best equipped people on earth to deal with a viral epidemic, as their gratuitous exposure to unknown diseases in boot camp, combined with a powerful cocktail of constant immunizations, has made them nearly indestructible and immune to most human illnesses.

Stay safe out there and wash your nasty hands.

Speaking of capitalistic endeavors, you may remember a couple months back to our DUTY DOODLE CONTEST! After a bit of an unexpected production hiccup, we’ve got the winners here… ON OUR NEW DUTY DOODLE SHIRT AVAILABLE ON THE TERMINAL LANCE STORE.


This shirt features the artwork of our 5 Duty Doodle contest winners, master artists of their dick-craft, who will be receiving a free shirt of their own. Look and feel like a shitter wall in this new phallic masterpiece available in all sizes in Skivvy Green and portashitter blue. (Make sure you pick the correct color when you buy)

Buy this shirt here!



Terminal Lance #569 “Price to Pay”

January 14, 2020

Lack of pay is one of the most common complaints among the lower enlisted. The young Lance Corporal of Marines can expect to bring home around $2000 a month in a regular paycheck. After bills, alcohol, and strip clubs, this may often leave them with little to no moneys after 48 hours of receiving that direct deposit from Uncle Sam.

It’s worth noting that our armed forces are entirely voluntary, and the enlisted pay charts are public information.

It takes a certain kind of person to be a Marine… One must risk their lives on combat deployments and even push themselves through some of the most physically and mentally arduous training on the planet; all while being treated like human garbage by their chain of command for the near entirety of their enlistment.

…All for a scant couple grand a month.

I don’t know what kind of person that is, but I know I like them.

[I was going to make a joke here about Marines being prostitutes, but prostitutes are often treated better than Marines and they make more money.]



Terminal Lance #536 “Slim Pickin’s”

January 29, 2019

The Marine Corps infantry is a brutal place. It is kill or be killed, eat or be eaten, and pick the best MRE’s for your pack or eat the worst ones. Modern Marines have lucked out on their selection of food items available in those brown boxes, and anyone who’s spent any time enlisted in the past knows there’s always one item no one wants to eat. For my generation, it was the “Veggie & Cheese Omelet,” which neither resembled vegetables, cheese or an omelet.

It was a bland, yellow mass that tasted exactly like it looked: a slab of gelatin mixed with plastic of some kind. Before the ubiquitous breakfast item was the Country Captain’s Chicken (from what I’m told). This took the crown from the previous worst-in-show MRE known as the fingers of death, or officially known as the “Smokey Beef Frankfurters.” You don’t even need to see a photo of either of these to imagine how horrible they must have been, but I’m thankful that they were before my time.

As I mentioned before, the modern list of MRE’s is probably the most respectable it’s ever been, which I will paste right here for your entertainment:

01 – Chili with Beans
02 – Shredded Beef in Barbecue Sauce
03 – Chicken, Egg Noodles, and Vegetables, in Sauce
04 – Spaghetti with Beef and Sauce
05 – Chicken Chunks
06 – Beef Taco 07 – Beef Strips in a Savory Tomato Based Sauce
08 – Meatballs in Marinara Sauce
09 – Beef Stew
10 – Chili and Macaroni
11 – Vegetable Crumbles with Pasta in Taco Sauce
12 – Elbow Macaroni in Tomato Sauce 13 – Cheese Tortellini in Tomato Sauce
14 – Creamy Spinach Fettuccine
15 – Mexican Style Chicken Stew
16 – Chicken Burrito Bowl
17 – Maple Pork Sausage Patty
18 – Beef Ravioli in Meat Sauce 19 – Beef Patty, Grilled, Jalapeno Pepper Jack
20 – Hash Brown Potatoes with Bacon, Peppers and Onions
21 – Lemon Pepper Tuna
22 – Beef Goulash
23 – Pepperoni Pizza Slice
24 – Southwest Beef and Black Beans with Sauce

The Pepperoni Pizza Slice MRE is the most recent addition and arrived to much critical acclaim. You can read up more about that glorious event here. Out of this bunch, I’m not entirely sure which is the worst one because this is after my time and I haven’t had the opportunity to sample these delectable luncheons. Feel free to enlighten me via DM or email.

Terminal Lance is mostly back up and running, though I’m still putting the finishing touches on my latest project. I’ll announce more in the near future but stand by to stand by and be ready for an adventure…



Terminal Lance #526 “Good Eats”

August 10, 2018

MRE Menu item 23 has been in development for some 30 years, as scientists scoured the earth to find the right ingredients to make the saddest slice of pizza they could imagine. With a lot of hype, the lauded and dreamlike pizza MRE became a reality this year. This is an actual photo of it:

The Pizza MRE

How sad is the life of a Lance Corporal that this is something people are excited about? When your whole world is shit, the person beating you can give you a piece of candy and you’ll think he’s a really nice guy. It’s like being excited that Buffalo Bill is giving you lotion to put on your skin, because the dirt down here really dried you out. Marines are so elated to eat this thing that it should tell you more about the conditions of being a Marine and less about the quality of the pizza. You’re basically getting leftover refrigerator pizza that’s able to survive at room temperature for 3 years.

With that said, being a Marine sucks, so any bit of goodness is a welcome addition to the lexicon of MRE culinary tricks. Throw some Tabasco and jalapeño cheese spread on that bitch and eat your feelings in the field.



Terminal Lance #484 “MRE Chef”

July 21, 2017

When you spend enough time in the field, eventually the entire MRE menu becomes a bit of a bore. This is when it’s important to have an MRE chef in your squad that can mix and match the tepid ingredients of the meals to make 5-star concoctions for you.

There’s always at least one guy that swears he can make an MRE taste amazing. This usually involves little more than pouring the entire salt packet and mini tabasco bottle into the mix and declaring themselves Iron Chef of the platoon. Other common mixes usually involve the chocolate peanut butter packet thrown into basically anything else sweet, or perhaps adding jalapeño cheese to one of the main courses! 😱

No matter what though, there’s not actually much you can do to save an MRE from itself. Despite how much they might try to lure you with the promise of Skittles and chocolate peanut butter M&M’s, MRE’s are meant to be consumed rather than enjoyed.

More importantly, someone should figure out the recipe to get the MRE’s out of your butthole without damaging it.