Terminal Lance #553 “Bridge the Divide”

July 19, 2019

There’s no greater tool to understand another culture than empathy. As we’ve explored before, life as an officer in the military is very different than life as a peasant an enlisted member. The military is one of the few professions on earth where a 4 year bachelor’s degree immediately qualifies you for irreproachable god-status within the organization. You get much better pay, housing, O-Club access, general wellbeing and treatment, and more attractive women by becoming an Officer of Marines over the lowly enlisted.

Marine Corps uniforms are full of great history and symbolism. The shiny ranks of the officer represent a beacon of light that may guide us in our darkest of hours. The blackened rank worn on the enlisted collar is to represent the dirty, unkempt underclass that lives in the shadow of the glorious Commissioned Officer.

Of course, none of this is true, but we could all benefit from trying to understand each other better every once in a while.




Terminal Lance #545 “Officer Life”

April 30, 2019

Life in the Marine Corps can often be described as depressing…Or soul-destroying… Or just generally awful… Unless of course you’re a Commissioned Officer. Once they are adorned with those beautifully shiny ranks, officers of Marines become a whole different class of human in the world of the military. They demand to be addressed as “Sir,” simply for existing in your presence, and their paychecks equally demand to be exponentially larger than yours at all times. You must salute them as they walk by as if they were the colors themselves!

Of course, being an Officer of Marines isn’t without its challenges. For instance… Uh…

Who am I kidding? Officer life exists on an entirely different plane of existence from the lowly peasant enlisted class. The only bad part? The enlisted Marines know it. Not that it matters, but filling your empty life with hookers and expensive cars can only make one so happy, I’m sure.

Very happy.

In other news, I’m not going to bother saying much about the whole swastika thing but if you want to get my full take on it, listen to today’s Zero Blog Thirty episode where I explain that whole fucking thing. Long story short, if you’re a grown ass man and you need someone to tell you not to send swastikas in uniform to (Jewish) people you don’t know, you’re long past my ability to help you.



Terminal Lance #486 “The Babysitter’s Club II”

August 1, 2017

There’s nothing worse than getting saddled with the Platoon Commander during your PT or field op. There’s something inherently off-putting about officers, as if they decorate themselves with fine perfumes prior to every field op. They look and smell nice, but that’s exactly why the enlisted hate them to so much. There’s an explicit otherness to officers that is impossible for the average enlistee to ignore.

Perhaps its their extended education or their characteristically hot wives. More commonly, it’s because the stench and aura of the boot is hard to shake. Marines in the infantry respect rate above all else, meaning they value the virtue of experience moreso than the rank that might be on your collar. This puts new officers in a tough situation, since you’re essentially universally hated as a boot, despite the fact that you are in charge of the entire platoon.

Lest we forget, the worst sin of the Marine Corps is that of the boot.

However, it’s totally possible to be a boot and not act like a complete boot. Boots are easily spotted by their beady eyes and remaining bits of excessive Marine Corps motivation. They can also frequently be heard from a distance impersonating drill instructors.

As well, cammo paint is generally boot as fuck unless you’re literally Arnold Schwarzenegger in a 1980’s movie.

In other news, we got some cool new stuff coming down the line, so stay tuned. Lastly, I want to mention that The White Donkey should have a new cover imprint with the best seller tag, so check that out if you’re into collectables!



Terminal Lance #462 “It All Rolls Downhill”

March 3, 2017

For years, scientists such as Albert Einstein have been looking for a unified theory of everything; something that reconciles quantum physics and relativity. In the Marine Corps, I have developed my own unified theory of everything:


Shit is the overarching theory of everything in the Marine Corps.

Field ops are shit.

The food is shit.

Working parties are shit.

Duty is shit.

It’s all shit.

The most important facet of this law is also the physics involved with the direction in which the shit moves.

Shit only moves one way: Down.

Most of your time as a junior enlisted Marine will either be spent doing literally nothing, something, or being yelled at for something, or nothing. Understanding the laws of the Marine Corps, if you can’t figure out why you’re being yelled at, you can deduce, through scientific method, that the shit must have come from above–as shit can only move one way.

Perhaps your Team Leader caught shit for something you did, which was received by his Squad Leader, who in turn received a shitting from his Platoon Sergeant, who got shat on from the Platoon Commander, who took massive shit from the Company Commander; etc.

Never forget, shit only moves one way.

Don’t be at the bottom when it lands.