Terminal Lance #525 “Mentorship”

August 3, 2018

As a Senior Lance Corporal of Marines, it is your duty to train the upcoming generation boots below you to survive at home and abroad. Don’t worry about teaching them tactical stuff, they learned all of that at SOI (LOL). What the Marines of today really need is someone to teach them how to avoid bullshit and cut corners in every day garrison life. These skills will be more valuable to them during their 4 years in the Corps than anything else you can teach them.

I had the great honor of being a guest speaker at a Lance Corporal Leadership and Ethics Seminar graduation last week at Camp Pendleton, where I told the Marines the importance of staying true to yourself (and how I believe that Lance Corporals are the dick and balls of the Corps, among other things). I asked the junior Marines what the course actually consisted of (since they didn’t have it while I was active duty) and they told me it was essentially a bunch of moto stuff about Corps Values, JJDIDTIEBUCKLE, etc.–yada, yada, yada. I suppose that’s about what I would have expected, but it is also disappointing. When I think of leadership and mentorship, I think of passing down realistic, practical, and essential knowledge and values rather than just repeating platitudes heard since boot camp over glazed over Lance Corporal eyes.

Last week I was also honored to receive the VFW (Veterans of Foreign Wars) Media Award for Terminal Lance at their national convention in Kansas City. Kansas City was cool, but extremely empty. The convention itself was cool, but got really weird when Trump showed up. Overall it was certainly a fun time and I’m grateful to have been nominated for the award. It’s been a busy month for me on a personal level, but having just relocated and settled into my new place in Santa Monica (with the help of some awesome young Marines from Camp Pendleton), I hope to be back in the regular swing of things for the foreseeable future.

Stay tuned, there’s plenty more to come.



Terminal Lance “Tax Day 2017”

April 18, 2017

Well it’s that time of the year again… The time when PFC’s and Lance Corporals across the Corps learn how to do their taxes for the first time in their fresh adult lives. For the average young Marine, they’ll find they most likely get a nice refund, as most states tend to pay back in full any taxes paid while active duty (at least that’s how it was for Oregon).

This money will be cycled back into the economy in a number of ways, though most likely through the thong of a stripper in Oceanside in the form of a crisp $1 bill.

Anyway, I don’t have much to add. I just paid my taxes today and I’m going to go cry. Late update today, cause Mike Dowling invited me out for his birthday with about 5 minutes of warning, so I’m writing this from a bar in North Hollywood.

Stay tuned, lots of good stuff coming down the pipeline in Terminal Lance land.

Oh one last note! I’ll be at the Los Angeles Book Festival on April 23rd from 12:00pm – 1:00pm on a panel and book signing. If you’re in the LA area come by and say what’s up! The details are here.



Terminal Lance #463 “Repent”

March 10, 2017

Lance Corporals are my people, but let’s be realistic, they’re a fucking headache.

But that’s why we love them, right? It’s like owning a cat. The cat doesn’t give a shit about you. The cat most likely actively despises you. But still, you feed it, clean up its shit, and give it a warm place to sleep at night because their antics are entertaining. Plus, I mean, someone has to do menial labor around the Corps, and it sure as hell aint gonna be Staff Sergeant.


As the fallout from this whole female Marine nude scandal continues to simmer over the week, I find myself sympathizing with the top having to deal with this shit storm. At a press conference earlier today, General Neller, a 63 year old man, had to field questions from reporters and the highest levels of government because some shit heads decided to share nude photos of women on Facebook. Abstractly, that concept alone is both hilarious and sad, but it makes the comic strip today ring even more true.

Dealing with Lance Corporals is indeed punishment to senior leadership for their sins, in this life and possibly the past.

Repent while you can.

In Abe’s defense though, there could be valuable scientific information gleaned from sleeping inside of a cow like Luke Skywalker in a Hoth snow storm. I’m sure when his paper is published in journals across the nation, he’ll be the last one laughing.

And showering.