Maximilian

Creator


Terminal Lance – Stimulated

March 22, 2021

Marines are famously great with money. Well, they’re not great at keeping it, but they’re great at spending it. All the more reason that the economic stimulus checks of $1400 are better spent with Lance Corporals than anyone else. If the purpose is to put the money back into the economy, Lance Corporals will happily dump $1400 into beer, strippers, and new cars faster than they got it.

This is what happens when most of your income is completely disposable. Of course, there are many Marines with real obligations and money sense, but the vast majority of young E-3’s live in the barracks, eat their meals at the chow hall, and don’t have to pay anything for health care. What else are you going to do with your guaranteed bi-weekly government paycheck?

This is why I’m announcing that I’m going to open a theme park outside of Twentynine Palms specifically for Marines to waste their money on. Beer, guns, strippers, coffee, roller coasters, you name it. Terminal Lance Land coming soon (not really).

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Maximilian

Creator

Terminal Lance “Ambiance of Camp Wilson”

February 26, 2021

There’s really no rhyme or reason to the fact that toilets across the Corps are often without any doors or dividers of any kind. Try as I might, I can’t think of any real explanation for this fecal phenomenon. In nearly any training environment built specifically for Marines, going to the head becomes a forced social event with you and your best buds.

Here’s where I’m confused: the DOD budget for 2021 was nearly $700 billion dollars. How much could a stall door possibly cost? I mean really.

I suppose it kind of makes sense when you’re talking about boot camp, where the point is to dehumanize you. But what about the rest?

My personal theory for Camp Wilson is that, at some point, there were doors and stalls.

One day, someone fucked up.

Their CO decreed that they no longer be allowed to have doors and stalls while they shit.

Maximilian

Creator

Terminal Lance “Masked Up”

February 20, 2021

If there’s at least one upside to having to wear masks in the midst of the COVID pandemic, it’s that Marines can now safely grow out those thigh-ticklers in peace. When any Lance Corporal is given an inch, you can be guaranteed they will take it as many miles as they can. There’s nothing particularly fascinating or attractive about beards, but Lance Corporals make their money on small acts of rebellion, clinging to what slivers of identity they have left.

At this point I haven’t figured out if Marine veterans grow beards out of desire or out of spite for having not been allowed to grow it out for (at least) 4 years.

Can you believe the first comic strip I did about COVID was nearly an entire year ago? What a strange time we live in.

Maximilian

Creator

Terminal Lance “The After-Field Drive Thru”

February 8, 2021

Things get emotional when you come home from the field. The drive thru immediately after turning your weapon into the armory is a ritual we’ve all partaken during our enlistments. After days or weeks of little sleep, no showering, and a gut full of slowly digesting MRE’s, a McDouble off the dollar menu is a beefy treat from the gods.

Fast food workers are the real heroes to Marines fresh from the field.

Of course…you’re going to need some fast food to move those MRE’s along.

Maximilian

Creator

Terminal Lance “Lonely Fans”

October 22, 2020

Lance Corporals don’t get paid enough for what we put them through. It’s no wonder that many of them are seeking alternative means to support their income. In an age where anyone can get paid for basically anything, why not make an extra buck?

After all, these kinds of illicit activities have been expressly endorsed by the United States Military as of yesterday, courtesy of the official Ft. Bragg Twitter account commenting on an amateur porn star’s adult oriented tweets.

The hustle doesn’t stop for anyone.

In a little bit of good unrelated news, did you see that THE WHITE DONKEY: TERMINAL LANCE has officially been added to the Commandant’s Reading List? This was a welcome surprise, and this book would have never happened without the support of all the fans of Terminal Lance that contributed to the Kickstarter campaign back in 2013. You guys are the real MVP. The book is available in hardcover everywhere books are sold.

Maximilian

Creator

Terminal Lance “Marriage Story”

July 15, 2020

“I’m trying to knock up a stripper to get out of the barracks,” is what one Marine told me during my travels. The quest to get out of the barracks leads many Marines down the path of the dark side of marriage. As an institution, the Corps tacitly encourages young marriages by making life for single Marines so abjectly terrible that anything else seems like a better idea. On the contrary, married Marines are treated better in nearly every way, simply by virtue of not having to live in the barracks.

Get married and suddenly your quality of life skyrockets (by LCPL standards). Suddenly, you’re offered a choice: double your paycheck and collect BAH or be given a rent-free private home to live on base for you and your spouse. Meanwhile, your single friends are back in the barracks getting yelled at for not cleaning under the rim of their own toilet on a Thursday night.

Tough choice.

Maximilian

Creator

Terminal Lance “He’s a Marine”

June 26, 2020

He’s a Marine

First to fight, he’s loyal

Honor, courage, commitment

Corps Values, Semper Fi

Oorah,

He’s a Marine

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Maximilian

Creator

Terminal Lance “Dear John”

June 12, 2020

Relationships and the Marine Corps go together like… Wait, no they don’t. They don’t go together at all. It’s no wonder that marriages in the Corps end at about an 85% divorce rate.

This sounds bad, of course, but I feel like if you compared the relationships and divorce rates of most 18-22 year olds, regardless of their enlisted status, you’d get similar results. It’s a simple fact of life that young love burns bright and burns fast. People just barely moving out of their parents house and figuring out who they are probably shouldn’t be making lifelong commitments to begin with.

Who am I kidding? If Marines weren’t the impulsive type they are, they would have never signed that contract at a strip mall anyway.

Maximilian

Creator

Terminal Lance “Shitter Paper”

June 6, 2020

Racists are having a really hard time these last couple of weeks. It turns out that most of the world is kind of tired of their shit, and even longstanding mainstays of married cousins like the confederate flag are no longer welcome aboard our military installations (and in most normal parts of America).

Of course, this comes about 150 years too late, seeing as the confederacy lost the war for slavery against the Union, like, a long ass time ago; but I suppose late is better than never.

Maximilian

Creator

Terminal Lance “Liberty Interrupted”

May 15, 2020

Marines get liberty on the weekends. Liberty means you leave me the fuck alone for at least 48 hours and I’ll deal with your bullshit on Monday.

In a world where every thought and action is controlled and regulated, the few brief hours of conditional freedom you get at the end of the day or on the weekend is to be cherished and savored, not interrupted and ruined by the whims of NCO’s and drunk First Sergeants.

Are you an NCO? Thinking about texting your Marines about something that “NEEDS” to get done on the weekend? Maybe just put a pin in it until Monday.

It can wait.