Maximilian

Creator


Terminal Lance Easter 2021

April 4, 2021

What could be a more valuable reward than the virtues of Marine Corps leadership? If you’re lucky, you may even find the grand prize egg containing an NJP. JJ tied a buckle for your sins, and today is the day that we celebrate his knot skills.

Grab your basket and start searching for hidden prizes.

By searching, I mean police calling the barracks. By basket, I mean trash bag.

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Maximilian

Creator

Terminal Lance “Happy 244th Birthday, Marines!”

November 8, 2019

This weekend, the Marine Corps will celebrate its 244th birthday. It is the Corps’ holiest of holidays, where Staff NCO’s, Commissioned Officers, NCO’s and Lance Corporals alike will drink, eat cake, and drunkenly dance to embarrassment. All of the wives and most obscure uniform items will come out to play–from mess dress blues, to NCO swords, to funny hats and maybe even a wondrous boatcloak.

On that note, I have a serious bone to pick with my Marine Corps experience… Why did I never see a single boatcloak during my entire enlistment? This one uniform item has the potential to drop panties and feed boners unmatched by any other, and yet none of my Staff NCO’s or officers decided to spend the extra $650 on it.

Why not?

I mean, most of them already had the $1300 “Evening Dress” coat, you’re telling me you couldn’t spring the extra $650 to look like a total baller in front of all your Marines? Hell, I probably would have reenlisted if I ever saw someone so majestic at any of my Marine Corps Birthday balls. Rock that shit.

Happy 244th Birthday, Marines.

Maximilian

Creator

Terminal Lance #550 “Technological Advantage”

June 7, 2019

Life as a junior enlisted Marine is arduous enough as it is, what with the constant, ever-flowing stream of bullshit drifting your way each and every day. Miscellaneous Staff NCO’s make that life even more annoying, as they seem to be lurking around nearly every corner on base (and sometimes even off base) to “correct” you in behavior that is deemed as unbecoming of the Corps. This is naturally more tedious than it sounds, since this is never about anything important, but random slights that no one is actually sure are real rules.

Forgetting to shave, not wearing a belt, or even just walking on some grass can be grounds for a massively butt-hurt lifer Staff NCO to spawn out of nowhere and make you the victim of his undiagnosed anger management problems. Even leaving your barracks room with a day old shave makes you feel uneasy, because you know they are lurking, seemingly everywhere, specifically to make your life that extra bit miserable than it needs to be.

Meet Lyfr, the app that lets Staff NCO’s track down Marines that may (or may not) be breaking arbitrary base-wide or MCO rules that no one cares about.

Be careful out there this weekend, gents… You never know who might pop up to yell at you.

Maximilian

Creator

Terminal Lance “Obsessive Compulsive”

January 11, 2019

Oh… This explains a lot. Staff NCO’s can’t stand seeing even a speck of dirt, or uneven grass, or uneven lines in the sand. They will go out of their way to make sure every aspect of a Marine Corps installation is perfect, because all of them have intense, undiagnosed OCD (and potentially tourettes syndrome).

Why pay for therapy when you can just yell at Lance Corporals to make you feel better?

Terminal Lance connoisseurs will notice that this comic was previously published in the Marine Times. Terminal Lance is on a bit of a hiatus at the moment while I finish up my next major project. Fear not! Terminal Lance isn’t going anywhere, and new comics will return shortly.

Stay tuned for more news and official announcements by the end of the month…

Maximilian

Creator

Terminal Lance “Happy Thanksgiving 2018”

November 20, 2018

Every year you will hear the same gestures of kindness coming from the mouths of Staff NCO’s across the Corps. Come over on Thanksgiving or Christmas day if you have nowhere to go. It seems genuine and nice, but no one would ever know if it’s for real…

…Because no Lance Corporal in their right mind would actually show up to a First Sergeant’s house of their own free will, for any reason.

Happy Thanksgiving, Marines!

Enjoy some turkey if you can. If you have duty, well I don’t really know what to tell you. Maybe start an EAS countdown timer on your phone?

Maximilian

Creator

Terminal Lance “Jeopardy”

October 5, 2018

What is… Anywhere else?

The military is a weird thing–especially as infantry–where you and all manner of other individuals from across the country get plucked and pulled from your past life and placed into a single spot, where you all can wallow in misery together. Very rarely are you placed somewhere very close to your home of record, unless you happen to hail from Oceanside or Jacksonville. In a rare twist, I had a guy in my platoon that was born and raised in Kailua (we were stationed in Hawaii).

For the rest of us, going home was quite the endeavor, reserved only for specific times of the year. Of course, being stationed in Hawaii was a unique thing on its own. If I were in Camp Pendleton, making a drive to see family would have been fairly easy, being from the west coast myself. However, flights off the island are expensive and few and far between.

More to the point though, a junior enlisted Marine will often find themselves wondering how and why they ever ended up there in the first place. Don’t worry, we all feel it. There are days where you’re pretty sure not a single member of your platoon actually wants to be there, but for some reason you all show up and sound off for roll call anyway.

Don’t fret.

The Green Weenie can stop a lot of things, but the one thing it can not?

The clock.

On an admin note, you’ve probably noticed my updates have been spotty lately. Not intentional, but I’m working on a really important deadline this month and it’s going to be like this until I’m done with it. The thing I’m working on? You’ll all find out soon enough.

Maximilian

Creator

Terminal Lance #530 “You’re a Mean One III”

September 7, 2018

I found myself in yet another familiar predicament today when I woke up to a bunch of panicky emails from distressed Lance Corporals asking me to remove a video they had sent to me under the threat of non-judicial punishment. Keep in mind, the military operates on non-judicial punishment and not judicial punishment because the latter would require actual due process and, like, rights and stuff. By keeping things non-judicial, the military reserves the right to fuck you over for basically any reason they want.

What I find most despicable about this is the idea that some scared 19 year olds need to reach out to me instead of just the Staff NCO threatening to ruin their careers. I find myself to be quite a reasonable guy. If some SgtMaj of some battalion sent me an email saying something like:

Hey dude, I know this is stupid but I have douchebags breathing down my neck about (VIDEO), can you please take it down? My Marines are idiots. Thanks. With love, SGTMAJ Schmuckatelli

I’d more than likely not give two fucks about taking down some video with this kind of candor and honesty. Instead, I get something like this:

Because I am so disgusted at the fact that some poor LCPL’s have to plead with me, terrified, in poorly worded emails, now the entire Marine Corps has to see how fucking dumb this is.

Maximilian

Creator

Terminal Lance #527 “Herding Cats”

August 14, 2018

Marines are a special breed of animal. They call themselves “Devil Dogs,” but really, they’re more like cats. They can sleep anywhere and on anything, skulk around at night looking for something to mate with, and can’t really be controlled by their masters. Just when you think you have them where you want them, they go and do something strange and unusual as soon as you turn your head.

I say we change Teufel Hunden to Widerspenstige Katze, or “Unruly Cat” according to Google Translate.

I know for a fact that every staff NCO and officer truly believes that Marines in the field are Marines out of trouble. While yes, they aren’t getting DUI’s, strippers pregnant, or causing a ruckus out in town; they’re surely up to no good in some way or another.

Marines are trained to fight trouble, and if they don’t have trouble to fight, they’ll make their own.

Just do me a solid and film it and send it over to the Terminal Lance Instagram page for the entertainment of others.

Maximilian

Creator

Terminal Lance #523 “The Search”

July 17, 2018

One of the many banes of a Marine’s existence is gear accountability. Lose any piece of serialized gear in the field, and find your entire platoon police calling for hours on end. Despite the fact that Uncle Sam throws about $500 billion to the US Military annually, losing a $1000 piece of gear will mean the end of your world if you happen to be so unlucky. Most Marines will spend that much in a single weekend in single dollar bills at the strip club, but you’d better believe the universe will pause if a serialized piece of gear goes missing.

With that said, it’s difficult to lose an entire rifle. With that also said, I’ve seen it happen multiple times.

Oh shit, where are our weapons? 🔈 up #terminallance #usmc #marines #marinecorps #military

A post shared by Terminal Lance (@terminallance) on

Once you pull your rifle out of the armory, that thing is like an annoying little metal child that can’t leave your side. You’ll eat with it, sleep with it, and just generally be annoyed by it as it rubs a hole into your cammies over the course of a few months on deployment. Accidentally leave it behind, and you will feel the wrath of the green weenie like never before.

If you check out the official Terminal Lance Instagram IG TV channel, you’ll see a video of me catching up with the Marines after a cold night at Bridgeport. That same night prior, one of the Marines lost his rifle in the snow, resulting in a 300 man working party to comb the mountainside for it.

A fun night indeed.

Maximilian

Creator

Terminal Lance #519 “A Glitch in the Matrix”

June 5, 2018

This is how Staff NCO’s are made. Every Marine knows this one simple truth: whenever you forget to shave or get a haircut, or otherwise don’t do something you know you were supposed to, some Staff NCO will appear out of nowhere to chew your ass. You could be stranded on a desert island with nothing but your thoughts and an imaginary friend you’ve built out of your own human hair, and somehow a Staff NCO will materialize from nothing to ruin your day.

This is one of those supernatural aspects of the Corps. You see, Staff NCO’s are dark agents of the green weenie, gifted with unnatural powers to serve its diabolical deeds. They have a particular set of skills, and they will find you. Be it at the PX, at home on leave, or in your own barracks room… You can never escape the watchful green eye.

Stay on guard, warriors of the light. Your butthole depends on it.