Terminal Lance “Mr. Brightside”

May 22, 2020

I’m coming out of my room and I’ve been doing just fine, gotta gotta be on duty because I hate it all.

If there’s one emotion to define the entire Marine Corps experience… It’s hope. Hope that shit will stop sucking. Hope that the next day will be better. Hope that the next four years go by a lot faster than you think it will. Hope that no one in your squad got a DUI over the weekend so you don’t get fucked for it. Hope that maybe when you wake up, it’ll have all been a stupid fucking dream.

Counting the days until your EAS date is the one thing that may keep you going, because as they say, the only the Marine Corps can’t stop… Is time.

As an aside, if you find yourself getting out of the Corps and you’re not sure what you’re going to do, just use your fucking GI Bill. Like… Why wouldn’t you? You get to go hang out somewhere for four years and flirt with college girls all day… AND THEY PAY YOU FOR IT.

Too many Marines get out and don’t take advantage of this ridiculously great opportunity. Tuition paid and monthly housing allowance on top. It’s free real estate, guys.

Do it for the college girls. (Or guys, if you rather)



Terminal Lance #562 “Going Internal”

November 22, 2019

The Marine Corps experience will try and test you in ways you can’t possibly imagine. Of course, the recruiting commercials make this entirely about… Like… Boot camp, or something. However, the real challenge is hardly the physicality of being yelled at by sweaty drill instructors, or climbing the Reaper during the crucible. The real challenge is within, dealing with the every day dramas and tribulations of young adulthood and coming of age while being owned and operated by the United States Government.

The four year enlistment will generally span the average age of 18-22 years old. This is when you’re just coming into yourself, figuring out relationships new and old, and learning how to be an adult. This isn’t easy for anyone, but doing it with an alcoholic Staff Sergeant with a 4th grade reading level yelling at you for breaking a rule you didn’t know existed certainly doesn’t help.

While of course it’s fun to point and laugh when it’s not us, every single one of us will end up “going internal” at some point or another. Sometimes life is actually overwhelming. For what it’s worth, at the very least, you’re likely to be surrounded by Marine Lance Corporals just like you… And as we all know from the Terminal Lance Instagram page… Lance Corporals can cheer up just about anyone.

If you see one of your Marines dealing with some shit, don’t let him do it alone.

(Obligatory shout out to Terminal Boots for their classic PFT video of a similar subject)



Terminal Lance #551 “Firewatch”

June 25, 2019

It’s that time of year again! The time when nearly every week there’s a new, major fire breaking out at Camp Pendleton. There’s something about the combination of dry, California brush with Marines firing machineguns and explosives that seems to really light up Camp Pendleton. Perhaps there’s some science behind it–who really knows?

Last week, Camp Pendleton was ablaze with its first major fire of the season. Of course, this isn’t anything that the base isn’t already used to, but it never stops Marines from hoping that maybe work will get canceled. Camp Pendleton fires are like the snow days of the Marine Corps for those stationed aboard the SoCal stronghold, with Lance Corporals secretly wishing the mountainous wilderness will burn down just enough (with no injuries, of course) that it cancels next week’s five day field-op that absolutely no one was looking forward to.

Of course, with the luck of the average Lance Corporal against him, it’s been an unusually cold and wet start to summer here on the west coast. Maybe if we send a platoon of grunts to sleep in the fire, we can cheat nature into putting the fire out with the inevitable rain cloud that follows them… It’s worth a shot, at least.



Terminal Lance #545 “Officer Life”

April 30, 2019

Life in the Marine Corps can often be described as depressing…Or soul-destroying… Or just generally awful… Unless of course you’re a Commissioned Officer. Once they are adorned with those beautifully shiny ranks, officers of Marines become a whole different class of human in the world of the military. They demand to be addressed as “Sir,” simply for existing in your presence, and their paychecks equally demand to be exponentially larger than yours at all times. You must salute them as they walk by as if they were the colors themselves!

Of course, being an Officer of Marines isn’t without its challenges. For instance… Uh…

Who am I kidding? Officer life exists on an entirely different plane of existence from the lowly peasant enlisted class. The only bad part? The enlisted Marines know it. Not that it matters, but filling your empty life with hookers and expensive cars can only make one so happy, I’m sure.

Very happy.

In other news, I’m not going to bother saying much about the whole swastika thing but if you want to get my full take on it, listen to today’s Zero Blog Thirty episode where I explain that whole fucking thing. Long story short, if you’re a grown ass man and you need someone to tell you not to send swastikas in uniform to (Jewish) people you don’t know, you’re long past my ability to help you.



Terminal Lance #484 “MRE Chef”

July 21, 2017

When you spend enough time in the field, eventually the entire MRE menu becomes a bit of a bore. This is when it’s important to have an MRE chef in your squad that can mix and match the tepid ingredients of the meals to make 5-star concoctions for you.

There’s always at least one guy that swears he can make an MRE taste amazing. This usually involves little more than pouring the entire salt packet and mini tabasco bottle into the mix and declaring themselves Iron Chef of the platoon. Other common mixes usually involve the chocolate peanut butter packet thrown into basically anything else sweet, or perhaps adding jalapeño cheese to one of the main courses! 😱

No matter what though, there’s not actually much you can do to save an MRE from itself. Despite how much they might try to lure you with the promise of Skittles and chocolate peanut butter M&M’s, MRE’s are meant to be consumed rather than enjoyed.

More importantly, someone should figure out the recipe to get the MRE’s out of your butthole without damaging it.



Terminal Lance #467 “Relativity II”

March 28, 2017

They don’t call us devil dogs for no reason–Marines actually age in dog years. Every year in the Marine Corps is the equivalent of 7 years in normal, Earth spacetime.

There’s a lot of science behind this, so I’ll try to keep it simple. Basically, the amount of fuckery within the Marine Corps contains so much mass, it warps spacetime considerably for those inside of it. This is not too different from a black hole, and as we saw in Interstellar, it can fuck shit up.


The Marine Corps as viewed from an outside observer

Sorry, I didn’t mean to get too technical today, but this is important stuff.

Don’t think that you’re immune to these effects as a junior enlisted Marine either. I recall returning home from my first deployment to Iraq and finding that I had aged considerably even as a Lance Corporal. While most will EAS at the ripe age of 22-23, you’ll find that you look and feel about 45.

It’s good for picking up cougars.