Terminal Lance “La Enfermedad Fina”

March 3, 2020

Coronavirus is wreaking havoc across the globe and we all know who is to blame… Recruits. Any Drill Instructor can tell you that recruits are the most renown and reliable of disease vectors, carrying a microscopic world of unknown and undiscovered pathogens across every square inch of their nasty bodies.

While most people live their lives with the occasional seasonal cold here and there, recruits spend the entirety of twelve weeks aboard the recruit depots exchanging and developing new potentially weaponizable in the dank crevices of their squad bays. Take one step into a recruit squad bay and risk walking out with incurable super-bugs that could wipe out all of China.

I’ve read a lot of conspiracies regarding the Coronavirus pandemic gripping the headlines, but the only one I believe is that the recruits of MCRD are to blame and China is the coverup.

Open your eyes, sheeple…

…And fill them with hand sanitizer, because recruits carry and spread pink eye.

On an incredibly unrelated note, my new book, Battle Born: Lapis Lazuli is available for preorder. This is a 352 page FULL COLOR hardcover graphic novel from yours truly, the creator of Terminal Lance. Battle Born is the story of Marine Sgt. King in the mountainous Badakhshan province, fighting for the heart of Afghanistan against the Taliban. Please check it out here.



Terminal Lance #563 “Bootcamp: Winners and Losers”

December 3, 2019

While it might seem cruel for a Drill Instructor to bet against his own recruits, I want to assure you it is only because they truly hate you and want you to fail. We make fun of Drill Instructors a lot around here–it’s hard not to, with their frog voices and often exaggerated character traits–but the life of a Drill Instructor is actually quite miserable in itself.

Herding a platoon of 60+, badly shaven and terribly odorous 18 year olds has to be among the worst jobs in America. I would call it similar to herding cats, except cats actually clean themselves and don’t spread pink eye and cellulitis to their owners (not discounting brain parasites). While the life of the recruit itself is certainly not something to admire in any context, imagine being the one responsible for keeping them in their constant state of misery. Sure it sucks to be woken up at 5am every morning by a sweaty, screaming rageaholic; but imagine waking up at 4:30 just so you can get dressed and go yell at these nasty bodies.

You are there day and night, from sunrise til sunset, the first and last thing they see… Like a kind of fucked up momma bird to a room full of plague rats.

Make no mistake, I admire them, but I do not envy the Drill Instructor.

It’s not their fault they’re so angry…

…You’d be too.



Terminal Lance #538 “Phase One”

February 26, 2019

Don’t get too close to the recruits… Not only are they laced with more diseases than rubella-stricken children of anti-vaxxers, but they also smell deeply of hand sanitizer and farts. Boot camp is a disgusting place, filled with badly shaven teenagers and the crushed souls of the damned, underscored by the distant echoes of frog-voiced drill instructors screaming their anger away.

People talk about the honorable work that Drill Instructors do for the Corps and Country, and I am inclined to agree. I don’t know how they do it. Cellulitis, pink eye, pneumonia, bronchitis, and other mostly eradicated diseases make regular appearances at the Marine Recruit Depots so much that it would put a 1950’s quarantine ward to shame. Drill Instructors deserve a goddamn medal or a 96 or something for their honorable work corralling these fucking plague rats every day.

For the next war, I suggest instead of sending the recruits to the fleet we just send them to the frontlines midway through phase two. With all these idiotic anti-vax parents out there, you know the next generation of recruits is going to be a biological weapon in of itself filled with ancient bacterias and antibiotic resistant pandemics.

Jihadi Joe is going to start worrying less about IED’s and AK-47’s to defend himself and more about MSRA and polio.