Terminal Lance “Corpsman Up: Coronavirus”

March 27, 2020

While all the hype in the medical pandemic world is centered around the infamous COVID-19 virus, Corpsmen across the Corps have been at the frontlines of battling microbial infections in genitals across the military for years. In a report released in summer of last year, sexually transmitted infections amongst military personnel are on the rise, keeping Corpsmen and medics across the spectrum of the armed forces busier than birds and bees.

With the Marines “socially isolated” from each other and the civilian population at large, I can imagine that venereal diseases, unplanned pregnancies, and general dumbfuckery are down quite a bit. Imagine being a Corpsman in this time, having spent the last years of your life examining odd blemishes on Marine genitalia for the majority of your career, only to have it taken away from you at a moment’s notice.

The coronavirus affects us all.

In all seriousness, and this should go without saying, I’m not here to make light of the seriousness of the coronavirus situation. Living in LA, I’m as grateful as anyone to see the Navy’s hospital ship arrive this morning to help with the national crisis at hand.

God bless all of our medical workers right now, Corpsmen included.



Terminal Lance “Doc”

February 4, 2020

Poor Doc… We don’t deserve Corpsmen. These brave sailors have taken on possibly the most difficult job in all of the United States Armed Forces… Keeping Marines safe. Not just from enemy fire, but themselves as well. Marines are a special needs breed of animal that requires constant adult supervision to keep it from destroying itself. This responsibility alone should warrant some kind of special hazard pay or bonus, but alas, Doc just takes care of us because he has to, and he asks for nothing in return.

It takes a certain kind of person to voluntarily take care of Marines. Imagine, if you will, day in and day out, spent looking at the genitals of concerned Marines after a weekend of unprotected adventures out in town. This lump here, this bump there. It’s an existence caught somewhere between purgatory and hell.

Next time you see your Doc, give him a pat on the back and an ice cold alcoholic beverage.

He needs it.



Terminal Lance #528 “Core Temperature II”

August 21, 2018

Like most normal humans, I have had a fever before. Again, like most normal humans, I have used a thermometer to take my temperature. However, never in my life have I thought to myself, “…what if I put this thermometer in my ass instead of my mouth?”

The United States Navy has convinced you all through complex information operations campaigns that sticking a thermometer in your asshole is a medical necessity. Did you know there are very common thermometers that take temperature based on your ear? Is there a reason Doc can’t carry one of those in his med bag? I mean, let’s be realistic here, the symptoms of heat stroke are fairly obvious.

When it’s 104 degrees outside and you’re running for 2 hours because Staff Sergeant is a depressed alcoholic, we can safely assume that a Marine passed out on the ground is probably a heat casualty. Like, anyone can tell this just by looking at him, and a simple ear thermometer would be able to confirm this fairly easily as well.

It’s a trick. It’s a dirty, dirty trick designed to keep the fear of Doc in you, should you fall out of the hump. The ubiquitous silver bullet awaits those who fail the test of fortitude.

Don’t be the one.

…Unless you’re into that sort of thing.